Here is the May 2008 news from Hogspore Arkansas brought to you by its leading citizen, Clet Litter:
My dog Slump is already in trouble with the neighbors. Some chickens come up missing from down the road and Slump come home with feathers round his mouth. It don’t look good fer old Slump.
I kinda blame myself cause I’m always giving him a hunk or two of barbecued chicken meat every Friday. It’s gonna take a couple of weeks to reset him from his chicken stealing ways. In the mean time, we need something to keep folks from getting serspicious while he’s getting himself full broken away from them chickens.
I went out to see Chief Sitting Quietly to get some advice. He is somewhat of a dog whisperer in these parts, along with being an inventor and the last Cherokee in Hogspore.
He’s got himself a nice double wide wig wam just outside of town. He’s still out there inventing things. He fed taters and starchy foods to his Buffalo herd and come up with the first stay-pressed Buffalo hides.
His clothes and skins kept wearing out on the rough river rocks when the squaws slapped the clothes on the rocks to get em clean. He come up with the first smooth Teflon Coated rock.
When me and Slump got up to the Chief's place, he was a sitting real still, facing west, and chanting. I couldn’t make nothing out of it and then I heard something mighty strange. At the end of his chant, I thought I heard him finish up with, “Ohhwha yeah, oh baby.” Turns out he was singing the blues.
The Chief fixed up Slump with a dream catcher-flea collar combo. Now he’s got a reason to have them feathers round his mouth and nobody is wise to it. I thanked the chief and he graced us with another blues tune before we left.
It goes like this:
“Well I woke up this morning
Da Dumm, Da Dump
And my nation was gone.
Da Dumm, Da Dump
All the white man left me
Da Dumm, Da Dump
Was this stupid song.
Da Dumm, Da Dump
Now I got some cigarettes
Da Dumm, Da Dump
And some blankets to sell.
Da Dumm, Da Dump
And a rigged casino
To send all your money to hell.”
Jimmy Suspenders sez his wife is always a watching what he does, ready to point out everything that he does wrong.
He sez, “You ever been trying to get the lid back on the pickle jar and you turns it backwards fer a turn just to get the threads started right?
My wife seen me do that and she spouted off, ‘I think you’re turning the lid the wrong way.’
“Nothing I could say. I was double mad bout the whole thing cause that was my last jar of pickles. I couldn’t even throw the jar against the wall, cause like I say, that was my last jar of pickles.
So at some point a while back, I done a lot of growing up. I don’t throw nothing no more. I don’t even get mad much no more. I just stare out the window and daydream of the time real soon, when I can have my own full growed up heart attack and make my wife an early widow.”
Me and Punkin took in Mother’s Day over at Momma’s house. Brother Virgil was there from Little Rock. Momma’s still meaner than goat hide, so it weren’t long before we got an earful bout how both us brothers have come up short in life and been a disappointment in general.
Then she started comparing us to our young sister, Sugar, the Certified Nursing Assistant in Tulsa. Sugar was always the smart one.
Ebben Flo is back from rehab in Fort Smith. He couldn’t stop drinking water. It started off with tap water but right soon he started stealing so he could afford bottled water, then it was Spring water. It got so bad, that he knocked over a liquor store and stole some Perrier.
He tried to quit and go Cold Turkey, but we caught him one night with a block of ice and a hair dryer and sent him off to take the Cure. So far, he’s doing good. He carries a bottle of water with him all the time, but he don’t seem to be abusing it.
Hardy Barkins told me, “I applied for a fair good amount of insurance cause I want to have me a real expensive funeral and send-off when I go. I might have asked for too much insurance, cause they sent a real doctor over from Hot Springs to give me a physical exam.
He give me a little cup and asked fer a specimen. I got kinda scared till he explained what he wanted in the cup and I was somewhat relieved. I could do that. Heck, I do that all day long. I could do that standing on my head, but the examiner said that weren’t necessary and probably bordered on showing off.
I answered up yes to one of the medical questions. There was the time when I slept out on the porch with my dogs and got to itching. Doctor explained the question again and it turns out I never did have Phlebitis.
Then he asked me if I use alcohol, and if so, how much?
So I sez, ‘I don’t uuuuuusssssseeee alcohol … I drank it. And I don’t know how much, cause I usually pass out and don’t remember the next morning.’
“It ain’t a real good estimate to count the number of empty mason jars neither, cause some of them empty jars might be from a week ago or maybe from some put-up peaches that I like to eat when I’m dranking.”
So I asked Hardy, “You think you passed the exam?”
“Clet, I told you I went in that little cup.”
And I sez, “I asked if you ‘pAssed’ the exam.”
Hardy sez, “We was almost finished up when he took out a pair of them white stretchy type rubber gloves and snaps em over his hands. He told me what he was gonna do with one of his rubber fingers and I decided I didn’t want no insurance.
So I got a nice pine box, what comes with a pillow, up on lay-away at the funeral home. I got 2 years payments on it and then she’s mine. The deal includes some nice words to be spoke, from my coffin salesman bout what a wonderful man I was.
I don’t mind what the worms might do to me, once I’m gone, but there ain’t gonna be no rubber glove a coming at me from behind in this here life time. No Siree!”
The Duggar family’s got another one on the way, due up around January 2009. That makes 18 children.
City of Hogspore got together and sent the Duggar’s a little something for their house. Next time Mr. Duggar starts a wearing that add-a-new dependent grin, he can go take a cold shower cause the town give em a refrigerated shower head for their master bathroom.
Seems like with 18 children, there’s got to be some kind of law that’s been broken or at least some social rule got bent. If it was football, Mr. Duggar would a been called fer Piling On.
Aunt Pearl was complaining that Uncle Bert was a losing his hearing. Turns out he hears just fine but he’s got something called audio-immune disorder. His own immune system is attacking his ears and he just can’t hear his wife no more. Doctor says there’s no cure, but Bert could have many more years of happy marriage because of it.
Old Man Grimely was talking bout adopting a pair of toddler orphans. He’s got that big house with ten bedrooms and he was planning on painting the inside this summer. What with his arthritis, he can’t get down to do the baseboard trim. He figured a couple of grateful hungry orphans might could do up the low trim work.
The county adoption social worker told him that they don’t have a return policy and you can’t bring em back after the house is painted.
We got a new chiropractor moved in last month. Name is Ralph Cracker, originally from New York City. He said moving to Hogspore was a big adjustment fer him. Don’t know why he had trouble, cause adjustments is what he does fer a living.
I was telling Dr. Ralph bout how the folks of Hogspore got a long history of believing in the laying on of the hands fer healing. It’s them co-payments and out-of-pocket expenses that we don’t abide by.
Samantha Louise up in the hills was our old healer. She could just touch yer bad back or bum knee and you was cured. Seems like she was bout 150 when she died. She left all her herbs and recipes to daughter Jill.
Jill was such a shy thing that she wore gloves when she done the laying on of the hands. Them cotton gloves must a soaked up whatever gifts she had cause nobody got cured. This was bout the same time that Bickum’s Hardware started carrying horse liniment. So things always seem to have a way of working out like that.
I had to tell Jimmy Suspenders what I heard down to the barbershop. I sez, “Jimmy, I don’t know how to say this cept to just come out and say it. There’s talk that your wife might be seeing another man behind yer back.”
Jimmy has been taking some quiet down medicine fer bout a year and I think it must be working pretty good, cause this is what he said, “Well if she is, then I want him to start helping out with some of the groceries.”
I hope you had a great Memorial Day, did up some barbeque, drained a can or two of beer, and give up some quiet moments to say thank you to all our folks who gave up their lives for our country.
We all get real humble bout this time a year and that’s xactly the way it’s sposed to be, cause we get to live out peaceful lives, grow old, and watch grandchildren show off.
I got my own special friend that never come back and I bet most everybody has at least one. Sometimes, I feel guilty for being here when he didn’t make it. When the high school band comes marching by with Old Glory a leading the way, I can’t help but drop a few tears on the sidewalk.
So here’s to you, Frank Mazariegos. Thank you.
I seen Uncle Bert and Aunt Pearl over to the Piggly Wiggly. They got a system down fer grocery shopping that I seen other old folks using.
Bert stands at the front of the aisle a holding Pearl’s purse. She pushes her buggy down the aisle and selects up what they need fer the week. She gets to the end, turns around, and comes back to get Uncle Bert.
They both move on over to the next aisle and do the whole dern thing over again. At the check out, Uncle Bert surrenders up the purse to Aunt Pearl and it’s his job to keep his mouth shut up while she’s sorting out her coupons.
Bert just looks at the magazines, a shaking his head with wonderment at all the misery that Brittany Spears done got herself into. Maybe things will turn out better fer her younger sister.
Cheap old man Grimely took sick again. He turns ill once a year when he replaces his air conditioning filter. Course he don’t really change it, he just turns the filter around and blows out all the dust backward through the house and out the windows.
I am certain glad old man Grimely’s not a doctor of people’s lower plumbing. His cure for consterpation might take a lot of mouth wash to get over.
Junior Bickums discovered one of them mystery crop circles in his garden. The garden is only 10 feet by 10 feet so the crop circle weren’t any bigger than a large sized pizza pan. Sheriff Riley took pictures and did some impressions. Junior said the Sheriff does a real good John Wayne.
Sheriff Riley found some evidence of tomater sauce in the crop circle and later found a big pizza pan in Junior’s garbage can. He didn’t charge Junior with anything, cause they go way back, but I bet that come electing time, there’s gonna be a generous donation from Bickum’s Hardware into Sheriff Riley Combover's campaign fund.
Duncan Winslow took on a young apprentice mule. Right now Buley, the new mule, is shadowing Bertram, Duncan’s old mule. Buley is a learning them subtle mule ways.
Duncan is sending old Bertram out to pasture and promised him he would never take him to visit Uncle Elmer.