Funny Country News from Hogspore Arkansas 8-2011

08-03-2011

Hogspore had a roaring toad strangler this weekend. It rained for two days and there was bugs a crawling up the side of the house that nobody’s ever named yet. Mumford Pickens says that they feel the low pressure of the storm and that’s what makes em climb the walls, to get out of the water that’s a coming.

This must be one of them instinct things that insects got from surviving floods since God first give em 6 legs. Them little critters probably don’t know there’s a hard rain coming; they just get in the mood to climb a wall when the air pressure drops.

Morton Trubletoof is sorta like that. When a storm is a coming, Morton somehow feels the air pressure flop and starts eating tater chips. He don’t know why.

Mumford Pickens speculates that the Trubletoof’s have been doing this for thousands of year since the great flood what was told about in the Bible. Mumford says they was just trying to eat up all their tater chips before they got wet and soggy.

Here’s what Mumford said, “Archeologists have found evidence of tater chips in some of the digs around Fort Smith Arkansas. Those Trubletoof cavemen didn’t have no TV or movies to watch back then. They used to sit up at night munching tater chips and popped up corn while watching the stars crawl across the sky.”

Hardy Barkins started himself a side business. He’s got a trailer that he pulls behind his truck. It’s got a vacuum cleaner and a tank of water. His business is called Hardy Barkins Mobile Mule Grooming. Sounds kinda fancy-like for around here but we do love our mules.

Fellers, here’s some advice to live by, that I temporarily forgot this weekend:

If your wife ever brings up one of your old girlfriends, even if she’s just joking with you and not being serious, (I got no advice for you if she brings up a current girlfriend cept to get a bullet proof vest and a good cup from the sporting goods store), tell her repeatedly, “Darling, (just like Conway Twitty would say it), “since I met you, I only have eyes for you. The only thing I ever think about is how lucky I am to be hitched to you.”

That’s what you should say, but that’s not what I said. Punkin asked me, “You ever think of any of your old girl friends?”

I got to preface this by saying that my little Punkin ain’t fat. She’s perfect and sometimes I think she needs to eat a little more than she does.

Now that’s out of the way, here’s what I said. “ No Punkin, I don’t ever think of them gals. When I met you I knew I was moving on to bigger and better things.”

Some of you English Majored folks know I was being lazy and using one of them clichés “bigger and better.” Somehow Punkin didn’t take it that way and she let on that I might have been calling her fat.

I don’t remember what happened after that cause I entered some kind of hysterical space zone where I turned real stupid and couldn’t say nothing right. My back is a might sore for the last couple of days from sleeping on that boney old fold-out sofa in the living room.

08-10-2011

Rabbit season starts on September One.

Morton Trubletoof has been breeding his own hunting dogs for 15 years. First year it took a while for his wife to calm down before he fully explained that he weren’t in any way romantically connected to the breeding procedure. He said he’s starting a new pup later on in the season. “It’s something to see a new pup catch fire on his first good run.”

There ain’t so many places to hunt any more. We usually share a bunny or two with the owner of the land that lets us hunt. Eating rabbit stew on a cool October night is one of them rite of passage things.

There is one rule: If one of the feller laughs and says. “Hey, there’s a hare in my stew,” then the rest of the hunting party has the right to shoot him right betwixt the eyes for breaking the outdoor reverie.

“Hey, there’s bacon bits in my keyboard!” That’s what Punkin yelled right after she started looking something up on her computer. The next thing she yelled was, “Clet!”

I had to fess up that I was eating a mater bacon onion sandwich yesterday when I was looking up the weather on her computer. That’s all I know how to do on that thing. It’s more fun than just poking my head out the window to see if it’s raining.

I seem to be getting in a lot of trouble lately at home, so it might be a good time fer me to go fishing for a few days. It’s something I would be willing to do, to insure continued marital bliss.

I kinda know what you’re thinking. “The man gives and then just keeps on giving.” I can’t deny it. It’s just who I am, sorta like an angel put down here on God’s favorite patch of earth to help folks whenever I can. Sometimes, after doing a lot of good things in a short amount time, I get somewhat surprised that there ain’t no statue of me put up somewhere.

Hogspore stores are already running their Back to School Sales. Moffit Tires, right near the Hogspore Elementary School, has been running a tire sale. Mendell Moffit says that they’ve had a surprising number of older held-back fifth graders come in for new tires.

08-17-2011

How do everybody. Clet Litter here to give you a dose of the news from last week.

Hogspore celerbrated Left Hander’s Day on August 13. It’s a day to appreciate what left handers have to go through. There’s even talk about them left handers being smarter than the rest of us normal folks but I also heard that a lot of them left handed people tell more lies than us normal folks.

There’s a list of some famous folks that are left handed but I ain’t gonna give it to you. It would just encourage them lefties to flaunt their left handedness and pretend it was common and customary like the rest of us.

Cept for left handed baseball players, left handers really are just a bunch of whiny babies that can’t fit in. We can’t even send em back to England and Scotland where they come from. What we can do, is to keep forcing them to use their right hand when they're still just babies. That way they can grow up to be normal like the rest of us.

Me and the Missus visited Scooter’s Buy Here Pay Here Car Lot out on Highway 71. Punkin was kinda antsy bout getting a newer car. She wants a newer one that don’t take an antique license plate. Once we seen the prices of the newer model vehicles, we went home, locked the door, and pulled the window shades down for the rest of the day.

We met the new man in their finance office. Nice feller, Carlone Mann.    

This is the time of year when special prayers go out to all the Hogspore air conditioners to keep on plugging along til it gets cool again. There’s been a few cases in Arkansas of justerfied homicide just because it’s been too dern hot. I trust myself not to kill nobody … but I don’t trust my wife.

When it gets to 98 degrees at 11 PM, I sleep with one eye open and I pack a couple bags of ice on either side of Punkin in bed.

Mayor Ringer announced that this coming week is gonna be called Work What is Fun Week. It’s dedicated to men that like to use pressure washers and leaf blowers but claim that they are working. The Mayor is officially recognizing that these men have been a lying and were actually having fun.

08-24-2011

Hogspore’s Sundries and Notions is having a Back to School, Sit Down and Shut Up Whilst the Teacher is Talking sale. They got all their school supplies marked down for the students. They got the usual selections of guns, knives and bullet proof clothing for the teachers, just like last year.

Talking bout bullet proof clothing, Mumford Pickens told me he read up on a new product made out of a special goat milk what has spider web genes in it. I don’t even want to think about all the match making that had to go on before they could get them goats to hook up with them spiders. 

Scientist fellers use the milk from them special spider-gened-up goats and make a skin out of it. Then they let it grow on somebody until it re-grows into bullet proof skin. The first folks to get this bullet proof skin is gonna be close friends and hunting buddies of Dick Cheney.

So far the goat milk skin only stops bullets fired at a reduced speed, like if somebody threw the bullets at you. What them scientists outta be working on is something to protect sleeping husbands from cast iron frying pans. 

Norma, Ten Centimeters, Smith was our local midwife. She took some time off to get a vocational education in car repair in Fort Smith and Norma’s back in Hogspore with her own garage. 

She is inviting all her previous child birthing clients to try her out if they need their vehicles serviced or repaired. She uses some of her experience from mid-wifeing and she’s specially good at pulling car parts out of tight spaces.

Norma says, “The bonus of my new job is that the grease and dirt from being a auto mechanic is easier to clean up than child birthing. My prices are reasonable and, like the last job, I don’t charge much for labor.” She kept her old phone number which is area code 123-367-2377.  That’s area code 123-FORCEPS.

08-31-2011

Speculators are gonna build a high faluting subdivision out about 10 miles north on Highway 71. It’s gonna be for rich folk what can afford homes over $80,000. They said it’s gonna be a bedroom community for long distance commuters, but all the houses are gonna have kitchens and bathrooms too.

They’re gonna have a lot of deed restrictions: Houses have to be painted in earth tone colors. Mail boxes have to be a certain size and they got to sort of blend in with the environment.

There’s gonna be a home owner’s association what has to approve the color on your door. There won’t be no fences or children’s swing sets. If your children have crooked teeth, they have to be fitted with braces. You can have one pet as long as it weighs under 49 pounds and it’s gotta to be earth tone too.

No car washing and no yard sales. If you have pizza delivered, the pizza delivery guy has to drive a new car and the home owner’s association has to approve all the toppings.

The fellers that are building the homes had a rough time coming up with a name since all the good ones have been taken. On their last project in Fort Smith, they bull- dozed down all the oak trees and called the subdivision Hidden Oaks.

The developers come up with a name for this new community that sorta describes the type of folks that are gonna be living there: Snooty Acres.

Here’s why they could never do something like that in Hogspore. Snooty Acres don't allow no bass boats or airboats or camper trailers in the front yard. Here’s the worst one of all: NO MULES, not even if they are earth toned.

Morton Trubletoof cut his arm whilst he was sharpening his knife. He had to get it all bandaged up, but he’s a doing fine.

The first night he went to bed and during his sleep he chewed off the bandage. Morton is more like just an animal that can talk and eat corn on the cob.

Morton’s wife, Portia, carried him back to the doctor and they fitted up Morton with a cone-like collar so he can’t get to the bandage when he’s sleeping.

Everything was fine until Saturday morning when Morton woke up and walked down his mile-long driveway to the road to get his morning paper. He was still wearing his cone of protection. It was raining pretty hard and by the time he got to the road, he was drowning. It took him another minute to figure out that he might want to lean over and tip out all the water. 

He walked back to the house tipping his head from side to side to slosh the water outter his cone. He kinda looked like Ringo Starr on the old Ed Sullivan show.  

How many of you readers just tried tipping your head from side to side? Makes you dizzy, don’t it?