Funny Country News from Hogspore Arkansas 9-2011

09-07-2011

Hogspore did up Labor Day like we always do. We had the annual Catfish Fry at the Town Rectangle. Mayor Ringer was working the fish fryer but Hardy Barkins had to take over. Folks was complaining that the fish was too salty cause the Mayor kept sweating into the hot oil, hot grease popping everywhere.

Judge Hawthorne had a tough case to decide on last week. Sammy and Ferlita Muldoon from Winslow’s Holler finally decided to up and get divorced awhile back. 

Sheriff Riley Combover said, “My Saturday nights are gonna be awful dull if I don’t have to drive over to the Muldoon’s place to break up their Saturday night fights.”

They hadn’t got the papers signed yet cause they couldn’t agree on who is gonna get custody of their 12 children. Sounds like they did a lot of making up after every fight.

Judge Hawthorne finally decided that they both get joint custody. Sammy and Ferlita still ain’t happy bout that decision. It turns out they been quarreling over the custody problem cause neither one of em wanted any of the children.

Sort of a coincerdence happened to Judge Hawthorne. His next case was to decide on another custody problem. Farmer and Farmess Brown were untying the knot and they was concerned about who would get the nice flock of wooled up sheep that they’ve been raising.

Judge Hawthorne decided on their sheep problem. The couple will get sheared custody.

All the wives and girl friends in town always watch that Dancing With The Stars TV show. Some of the boys down to the barbershop was wondering about how Chaz Bono was gonna pull it off. Mumford Pickens said, “I don’t think Chaz Bono is gonna pull it off when he ain’t even had it put on yet.”

We all agreed in the barbershop that it is somewhat of a puzzlement why Chaz Bono is considered to be a Star. 

09-14-2011

Widow Fenster was complaining that nobody believed the amount of suffering she had from her aches and pains. “I have gone to every doctor in town and 6 doctors in Little Rock. None of them could find anything wrong, but I still got these aches and pains.

Some women suffer for years before they get diagnosed up proper and nobody ever believed them either. Finally I quit fighting it and gave my miseries to the Lord to solve.

Now I just might have to rethink some of those doctors’ opinions after the dream I had last night. The Savior came to me in a vision and he said, ‘Me and Dad don’t think there’s anything wrong with you either.’”

Muleberry County Fair starts up the end of this month. Mayor Ringer is already getting the food trailers lined up. Wet-rendered Lard is the only fat or oil what can be used with the vendors, just like last year. Most of the Hogspore men and boys go on stomach stretching diets to get ready for the Elephant Ears, Funnel Cakes, Corn Dogs, Cotton Candy, Chili Dogs, and Snow Cones. The Deep Fat Fried Twinkies are famous for causing shortness of breath and chest pains, even to 14 year old boys.

The midway rides are right there next to the Heart Healthy Cuisine Hawkers. The Hogspore Midway Macho March goes like this: Start out with a full serving of everything offered at the Lard Peddlers and then it’s off to the midway rides. After you ride the Tilt a Whirl and Hurl, the Carnies wash you off with the elephant watering hose. Return to the Chili Dog Stand. Repeat.

This year the First Non-Denominational Church of Backsliders and Mid-Week Sinners returns with the Find Religion Booth set up next to the Flip Flop Drop Ride. Seems like after that ride a lot of the older folks want to get some Right-Away Religion under their belts.

Preacher commented last year on how many folks got converted after riding them dizzy rides and eating the fried-up foods. He said, “Praise the Lard.”

09-21-2011

Hogspore is preparing to host the Republican National Convention next year. The final decision was Tampa but we’re ready in case Tampa messes up between now and then. I guess that’s about the only time that anything can ever be messed up is Between Now and Then. 

Mayor Ringer says we got enough rooms for all the delegates if we include haylofts and rooms that aren’t being used over to Larry’s Assisted Living Facility. The Mayor warned, howsomever, that we don’t have enough rooms for all the Republican candidates unless they all want to bunk together.

All the candidates have agreed to bunk together but they don’t want Michele Bachmann in the room cause, word on the street is, she snores.

Mayor Ringer tried to get the Democratic convention but Charlotte, North Carolina edged us out of the running. The Mayor likes to think big but not out of the box. The only time the Mayor thinks out of the box is when he’s got a box of hot fried chicken.

I’m not sposed the let on who I’m a pulling for, but the next President better have more ideas than just a tax cut. Tax cuts don’t mean much if you ain’t got a job and there’s nothing to cut. Just saying.

Junior Bickums and his wife are already starting a college fund for their youngin. Junior says he won’t have to save as much cause he’s not planning to prepay for a food plan. He hopes his daughter will catch an eating disorder. He figures that after she graduates, gets a job, and has health insurance that she can get some free psychological counseling then.

Mumford Pickens warned Junior not to use the word “graduate” around her cause it’s got one of them subliminal things in the word, graduATE.  Sounds like “glad you ate.”

If you didn’t think that last part was funny cause you have somebody in your family with an eating disorder, then help can be found at National Eating Disorders Association. Here’s their web site: http://nationaleatingdisorders.org/ 

09-28-2011

Morton Trubletoof’s sister had a baby over to Fort Smith last weekend. Morton was there with her. He come back and was telling me about the delivery in the hospital.

I sez, “Punkin’s gonna wanna know the particulars, like the baby’s name, time of birth, weight, length, and how the mother and baby are a doing.

Morton sez, “I forgot to get all them numbers, but let me tell you about the hospital cafeteria. They got made-to-order omelets in the morning with biscuits and gravy and coffee, all for 4 dollars. The lunch starts at 11 am and you can get a full meal with meat loaf, taters, biscuits, sweet tea, and a slab of pie for 4.50. They give me the hospital discount cause they thought I was a janitor there.

Oh Clet, I do remember one thing about the baby. I was in the labor room with my sister. There was a whole lot of activity going on down there but I’m pretty certain my sister had a real healthy looking boy … or maybe it was a girl with the umbilical cord still attached.”

Morton went on to tell me about the weekend specials in the hospital cafeteria, but just cause I had to hear it don’t mean that you have to hear it.

The Muleberry County Fair kicks off this Friday with the firing of the town cannon over to the fairgrounds. Junior Bickums is in charge of the black powder and fuse lighting. He got himself a 3 foot fuse this year cause he wants to get farther away before it fires. Last year the cannon’s back draft blew off Junior’s Dockers and under britches.

He was right embarrassed cause after he lost his pants and under drawers, for 2 weeks the town folk was still talking about Junior's short fuse.

In other news, all the antacids in town have been bought up by the men folk getting ready to do battle with the County Fair food vendors. Bring it on.