Funny Country News from Hogspore Arkansas 11-2011

11-09-2011    

Hogspore newcomer Ruffert Pound spent his whole lawyering career working for a group called PETA. He retired here bout 2 years ago. Everybody in Hogspore got along with Ruffert cause we was under the impression that PETA meant People Eating Tasty Animals.

Ruffert showed up his true colors last week. He drove to Little Rock to file a class-action international lawsuit against the estate of Sir Alexander Fleming.

Mr. Pound is claiming that the WWBC, World Wide Bacteria Community, has hired him to sue Sir Alexander Fleming’s estate based on the fact that Gagillions of bacteria are exterminated every day by Penicillin. The WWBC’s motto is “There ain’t no such thing as Bad Bacteria, just Weak Human Beings.”

A few of Hogspore’s old Navy veterans drove over to Little Rock to file a counter suit against Ruffert Pound. They say that after they got back from overseas, the Penicillin helped em re-join society without worrying bout failing a marriage license blood test.

Sherriff Riley got a little suspicious about what Ruffert was doing living way off in the country with a monthly $900 electric bill. He found out that Mr. Pound has been cultivating little tiny saucers of bacteria in his house. Sheriff said, “I had to put a stop to it. I just gave him a warning and told him to get rid them dishes of bacteria. This town’s already got enough culture.”        

I got a letter from one of my readers in Mena Arkansas asking for some advice. I’m gonna try and answer it but I ain’t no Dear Landers.

“Dear Clet,

My mother-in-law has been living with us for 12 years and she’s driving me crazy. Every time I do a chore for her, she just says, ‘You did the best you could.’

I’m afeared to work around her with a hammer in my hand cause I might give her a little tap on the noggin before I knowed what I was doing. Can you give me some advice cause I’m afraid of what I might do?

Signed Quivering Ball-Peen”

“Dear Quivering Ball-Peen.

I’m real sorry for the mess you’re in. First thing though, don’t ever tell nobody how you feel about it cause they could use that against you in the police investigation.

Mention to your wife that if you have any extra money this month, you’d like to put up some nice new curtains for her Mamma. Make sure that it’s just you and Mamma-in-law in the room when you’re putting up them new drapes.

I sure hope that big ol hammer that you're using to put up them new curtains don't slip and fall real hard on Mamma-in-law’s head …twice.”

Course what I told Quivering Ball-Peen was just a joke. You know I love my mother-in-law like she was my own Mamma, who used to smack my melon on a regular basis with the good cast-iron frying pan. 

11-16-2011    

Sadie Hawkins Dance is coming up this Friday. This is where the gals pick the guys to take to the dance. Things are looking up for the beauty-challenged girls now adays, what with all the new technology: liposuction, Botox, face lifts, tummy tucks, enhancements, implants, teeth straightening and whitening, lazy eye treatment, plus the old standby, the brown paper bag.

Course there’s always gonna be some homely baby girls and boys as long as there is a plentiful reasonably-priced uninterrupted supply of alcohol for their parents to drink during their courting days.

Morton Trubletoof has done it again. Before I tell you what happened I got to give you a little history bout Morton and his family.

Morton inherited his ranch from his Pappy who inherited it from his Mamma. Morton’s grandma come from one of the first pioneering family to settle in the area. Her name was Mortona Trubletoof.

Mortona lost her husband real early on in the marriage so she he ran the cattle ranch for 50 years by herself before she passed it on to Morton’s Pa.

Mortona Trubletoof was a handsomely endowed woman. She called her ranch, the Double Dee. All her cattle carried the DD brand.

Now let’s get back to last week when Morton Trubletoof was sitting in Tony’s Barbershop. He was a reading an article on Reinventing Yourself. Tony called up Morton for the next haircut before he could finish the column.

That night Morton’s wife caught him in the barn with his britches down just finishing up slapping the old Double Dee red-hot brand onto his backside. He figured he had reinvented himself for the new high-tech driven society cause he was re-branded.

Morton ain’t due for another haircut for a couple weeks. All the boys at Tony’s agreed that the next time Morton needed his head trimmed up, he was gonna be reading the magazine a standing up.

My Grandpappy used to take me fishing. He told me that the Good Lord wouldn’t count the time that you spent fishing when he was a figuring up how long you was gonna live. Turns out a lot of Grandpappies told their grandchildren the same thing so it must be true.

Most times it feels like Grandpappy is still in my boat, watching me and commenting on how good a fisherman I’m getting to be.      

When it comes my time to go cause of some illness or old age, I’m gonna get my kinfolk to put a rod and reel in my hand and anchor my bass boat with me out in the middle of Lake Surprise. That way I can sit out there fishing until one of them smarty pants scientists figures out a cure for what I got.

I’ll see you next week. Meanwhile, I’m gonna go fishing and practice living forever.

11-23-2011    

Bartow Badger proposed to his best gal two weeks ago. Priscilla Mumblee is the new fiancée. My wife Punkin thinks it’s about the most romatical proposal story that she’s ever heard.

Bartow hired a hot air balloon to take him and Priscilla on an all-day flight. The air cruise included a 3 hour stopover at McCurdy’s Meadow for a picnic and a bit of blackberry wine. Bartow brung the ring out from the picnic basket and asked Priscilla to marry him.

“You betcha, Big Boy,” she shyly said. They had 30 minutes left before the balloon was to lift off again, not enough time to practice for the honeymoon but enough time to write down some wedding plans.

It was getting dark so they finished up the picnic and tossed everything back into the balloon’s gondola, including their wedding plan notes. They checked out the picnic spot to make sure they weren’t leaving anything behind but the hot air balloon just sort of took off without them.

Mr. Badger and Miss Mumblee set out hiking across McCurdy’s Meadow, heading back to the bright lights of metropolitan Hogspore. The Mayor always leaves the city hall porch light on. Bout 9 pm they ran into a bale of Farmer McCurdy’s dried and rolled-up special crop. 

Bartow and Priscilla decided to stop for the night. It was a might cold so they kept feeding more of that special dried crop into their camp fire all night.

Bartow and Priscilla got back to town the next morning just when Donald's Doughnut Shop was opening. They stayed there all day giggling and eating Bavarian Cream filled doughnuts like they was celebrating the invasion of Poland. 

I seen Bartow yesterday and asked him about the wedding plans. He said, “Nothing much has been decided yet. The details of the wedding plans are still up in the air.”

I don’t know why I told Punkin about the hot air balloon ride and marriage offer. It  made her recollect how I fired the question at her in the middle of Lake Surprise in my bass boat those many years ago. Everything got out of hand when I kneeled down to propose and purchased a fish hook in my knee.

Punkin did say Yes cause she felt that I really did need her, (to gently rip the fish hook out), and I was the only one what knew how to get the old Evinrude started in the middle of Lake Surprise. Come to think about it, I got hooked twice that day.

Here’s an update on Steve Jobs: For the last two weeks or so, his picture’s been slapped up in the newspapers and his mug is still on TV. Folks keep talking about him and quoting him, but from what I hear, Steve Jobs is still dead.

11-30-2011    

Nobody did much shopping on Black Friday cept all the overstuffed Hogspore men. They were down at the alteration shop getting their trousers waist let out a bit. In a couple of weeks they’ll all be back to get em hitched in again. Scientists call this The Life Cycle of the Waist Line. 

Everybody is jammed up and a bit irregular from all the turkey and fixins. Some of the new fathers of Hogspore are sitting in the privy screaming for a spinal epidural. The old timers know better and that’s why they take the garden hose in there with em. 

Widow Fenster was a ranting about immigrants coming to our country and not learning our language. “If they come here they ought to learn our language. We shouldn’t have traffic signs in 4 different languages.”

According to granddaughter Evangeline’s history book, the first settlers at Plymouth Rock met up with the Pawtuxet Native Americans. Them fellers helped the settlers get through the first couple of hard winters.  

The Widow Fenster ain’t speaking to me after I asked how her learning the Pawtuxet language was a going.

Hardy Barkins brother is visiting from New York City. He is one of them rapper talker singer types. Hardy’s brothers name is Two Pot Pie, East Coast. He’s gonna perform this Friday at the Hogspore High School Saint Vitus Dance.

Here’s the words to his new hit, Two Pot Pie is in da Waffle House

“I don’t know what’s going on, I gotta find out right away.

I thought yesterday was tomorrow but it turned out to be today.

The ceiling’s falling and the floor is rising and I don’t have time to stay.

If the walls keep moving and my mind starts grooving, then you know I got to get away.

Sing it loud sing it sweet, sing a lonely song with me.

Sing it loud, sing it sweet. Gimme nother waffle to eat.

The toaster don’t work and the TV’s on the blink and the old lady’s down in the dump.

She said she’d be home by 5 o’clock, to fix me sump.

The clothes are in the washer and the kids are going crazy cause they hadn’t had nothing to eat, cept hay.

The boss laid me off and the baby’s got a cough. Gonna take her to the clinic today.   

Sing it loud sing it sweet, sing a lonely song with me.

Sing it loud, sing it sweet. Gimme nother waffle to eat.”

The current month's columns can be found at www.Hogspore.com.