Being the Odd One Out - When Getting Married

As birds of a feather flock together, so do people who each feel like the odd one out. On the surface of it, we try to blend into the people around us, we talk to them, we act like them and we try hard to fit in.  However, while young and still under the thumb of our parents, we live a double life and fit in neither.

I was having a chat with a friend who is in the same position as me. However, she is at a different stage of life - almost ten years younger and unmarried. Her focus at present, is finding a life partner who she intends to make her husband. I have been chatting a lot to her about this subject as it does seem to occupy her mind a lot at the moment. This is fine; I think it is the way it should be at her age as she decides to make such a big life decision.

The point of this preamble however is to discuss the difficulty some of us girls face when we come to choose a life partner. Who should we choose?

1. Someone from Nigeria who in theory will share our inbred values, our background and some of our past or

2. Someone who lives where we do but who may be of a different race to us and have some differing views but will share our present life?

I know lots of people think we should all stay with our own kind but how do we decide what our own kind is, when we are struggling to fit into either society.

We have been brought up in Nigerian Homes but educated in British Schools. All our friends are British but when we go home, we are expected to remember that certain things are not done by ‘Good Nigerian Girls’.

Then the time comes to get married, and as Nigerian females, we are expected to fill a certain role which, to me, can mean a ‘lesser’ role.(Not too dissimilar from a lot of cultures.)

For a first generation ‘odd one out’ Nigerian girl, it is a big issue and if you are the first child as well, there is an element of pressure to marry someone from 'home'.

Now, I married a guy from a different race and I am thankfully, very happy with him, much to the surprise of my family who felt all people outside of our culture were likely to divorce you in two seconds flat.

I still remember all the wahala (trouble) our getting married caused. In fact, one Aunt asked "How can you choose a man over your family?"  Ten years on, we still go strong. and now a different 'Aunt' tells me I am lucky to have married outside my race as no Nigerian male would be able to put up with my inability to cook and clean without beating me! 

So in the course of the conversation, I had to ask my friend – “ Are you sure you can marry a Nigerian guy?”. She feels that she must but I wonder, can she cope with the difference in culture?

Strange question, I know, as I am the one that seems to have two contrasting cultures in my home. However, it is one thing having Nigerian parents that you will leave to make a home elsewhere but what if you follow everyone's 'stick with your own kind' advice and end up in a home with a partner that stifles you and demands that you fit into a mold that does not suit you. Then what?

You feel even more like the odd one out...