Bully, Bullied, Bystander

This page is one in a series about Bullying Help, where I pass on what we learned when my daughter was bullied and how we managed to stop it, while getting very little co-operation from her school.

I hope your children are never bullied but if they are, I hope these pages will help you to help them. No child or adult deserves to be bullied.

Bystanders usually fall into one of these categories:

Assistants

Assistants actively join in the bullying when the Bully instigates it.

Reinforcers

Reinforcers encourage the bully, but do not join in other than to smile or laugh at what the Bully is doing.

Outsiders

Outsiders hold back, stay quiet or pretend they don't know what is going on. By their inaction they unwittingly condone the bullying behaviour

Defenders

Defenders will try to stop the bullying or comfort the target

The key that will unlock the solution is to turn the Outsiders into Defenders. But to do that you have to understand what motivates the Outsuders to hold back and then help them develop the confidence to do something about the Bullying.

Many children become "Outsiders" and for the Target, that can be very hard to understand and cope with. We all look to our friends to step in and help us. If they don't we feel let down. Imagine how that feels to a child. To feel undefended by the very people who should be helping them!

A report Bullying Today, which was published in November 2006, states that:

"research with children and young people confirms that most disapprove of bullying and sympathise with its victims. It has also been found that when they are Bystanders, about half take the role of 'Outsiders'. Yet where peers do intervene, they can be effective in preventing the victimisation in 50-75% of instances."

Some work was done with my daughter's class to help the children build confidence to stand up to anyone who was bullying and not join in. This eventually helped put a stop to what was going on.

But, the key to getting the situation resolved is to make sure the School is aware of what is happening. As has been said to me by teachers many times - they cannot deal with a problem if they are unaware of what is going on.

Without realising it The Bystanders often have more power than the Bully. They can be the difference between the bullying continuing unchecked and unabated, or they can actually put a stop to what is going on.

Providing they have the confidence!

The biggest problem is that many Bystanders know that what is happening is wrong. They don't like it but they feel powerless to stop it. They are sometimes frightened that if they stand up to the Bully, then they will be the next victim.

They don't want to tell the teacher, in case they are called a snitch or a tell tale. Too often we fail to teach our children the difference between snitching to deliberately get someone into trouble and explaining what is going on to prevent someone from getting hurt.

Sometimes the Bystanders will go home and tell their parents (usually the Mother) what is going on at school, but for whatever reason, the Parent does nothing. Afterall, it's none of their business, it is not their child who is suffering.

And through their own inaction, the Parent becomes a Bystander, therefore reinforcing the message to their child that it is OK to stand by and do nothing.

For the child who is being bullied, it is devastating as they realise that their friends would rather stand by and see them suffer, than help put a stop to it. Have you ever been in the position, as an adult, where you need a friend to step in and help you and they do not? Imagine how that feels to a child or a teen!

As parents, if we realise our child is being bullied we will contact the school at the earliest opportunity to get the matter resolved.

If it is our child who is doing the bullying, then we can expect to be summonned in by the Head Teacher or a senior member of staff and informed about what is going on.

But how many parents are ever informed that their child is a Bystander?

In her book The Bully, The Bullied and The Bystander, anti-bullying expert Barbara Coloroso says about The Bystanders:

"They are the supporting cast who aid and abet the bully through acts of omission and commission. They can stand idly by or look away, or they can actively encourage the bully or join in and become one of a bunch of bullies".

If the worldwide Bullying epidemic is to be halted, then everyone needs to take some responsibility to try to prevent bullying in our own schools and neighbourhoods. We have to show our children that it is NOT OK to stand by and watch someone else suffer, while we are secretly thankful that it is not us who are the targets.

So how we can we teach our own children to be Defenders, rather than Bystanders?

It is important to make our children realise how bad it feels to be bullied. Kids are great at visulaisiation, particular with help from their parents! Ask them to imagine how they would feel if it was THEM who was having their friends taken away, being teased and excluded from games in the playground.

Tell your child that it has to be their decision whether or not to tell a teacher what is happening, but if they do decide to do the right thing, then offer to go with them. Or suggest that the children who know what is happening and are unhappy about it, go to the teacher in a group.

Be honest with your child and say that you don't like them being friends with Bullies. Explain that bullies don't have real friends, they are just surrounded by people who are afarid that if they are not friendly towards the bully, then they will be the next target.

Make it clear that however your child behaves is THEIR choice and that no one can force them to behave in a way they do not want to. Tell them that "S/he made me do it" is no excuse.

Barbara Coloroso said on British TV in 2006 (link no longer available):

"Remember there are three characters in this horrific tragedy - The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander. We ignore bullying at our children's expense. We must pay attention, get involved and never ever look away. Indifference is lethal."

Yes, indifference is lethal and I am sure that it was the non-action of Bystanders that prolonged my own daughter's dreadful bullying situation. I am convinced that if the children and adults who knew what was happening to my daughter had come forward sooner, then the Bully would have been halted in her tracks before she could do the damage she did.