Bullying Help

My daughter is beautiful. She is funny. She is articulate. She is intelligent. She is great at drama (both on and off stage, ha ha). She is on the gifted and talented register for some subjects at school. She is above average height. She has gorgeous blue eyes. She has good skin. She is slim. She is funny and witty. She is nice. She is natural. She would rather wear an England Soccer Shirt than a pretty dress. She is unassuming and has no idea how lovely she is. Boys like her but she is too interested in horses to notice.

Because of all of this she is a target for Bullying.

Our daughter went through three years of hell at Elementary School as we struggled and fought to make the school take it seriously and take action to get it stopped. And every so often new incidents flare up. These days she copes and deals with it herself, but recently once again I had to get involved to help her.

It did not take long to stop it, because of everything I learned when the bullying happened before.

In a nutshell Bullying can be defined as:

"Any behavior or action that knowingly causes distress".

In theory once someone is specifically told that their actions or behavior are upsetting someone, then if they choose to continue, it is bullying.

In the case of a child, it is NOT a question of telling them to toughen up, or not be so sensitive, or to get a sense of humor.

Why make the victim feel that they are in the wrong?

Bullying can take several forms.

1. Physical

Often the easiest to spot and stop, physical bullying will involve hitting, kicking, pushing, tripping, pinching, stealing possessions and even spitting at someone

2. Verbal

Telling lies to get someone into trouble,  name-calling, swearing at someone, making rude remarks, threatening, sarcasm, persistent teasing

3. Psychological or Emotional Bullying

Spreading false rumors, exclusion from social groups, taking friends away, humiliation

In my experience it is the Psychological Bullying that is often the hardest to prove and the most difficult to stop.

Follow these steps to complain to the school and whatever you do, do NOT worry that you are making a fuss. Your child needs YOU to stand up for them.

1. Right from Day 1 put all complaints in writing, Clearly date the letter, so you have proof about when the bullying first started

2. Do not assume that your child's ever so lovely Class Teacher is the best person to deal with it. S/he may be lovely, but if they cannot stand up to the Bully's parents (sometimes Bullies themselves as Bullying can run in families) or if s/he is the type to hope the problem will just go away, then you have a real problem

3. Keep a diary. Log incidents, dates, times, reports made, action taken (or not). You may need this in the future

4. If the incidents continue, ask to see your child's school record. Check that all your letters, emails etc are on the record

5. Ask to see the School's Anti Bullying Policy - required by Law in the UK and by some States in the USA. Read it through. Identify what action the school says it will take if a child is bullied. Repeat what the policy says in any letters to the school

6. Research Bullying, so you know which incidents can be defined as bullying

7. Ask the Head Teacher if they actually agree that your child is being bullied - you may be surprised at the response!

8. If your child used to be happy at school, ask the school what they think has changed this

9. Question the strategies the school has for dealing with bullying and what action they take. If your child is still being targetted by bullies, then quite clearly whatever the school is doing just isn't working. You may need to spell this out to them

10. If the bullying is making your child ill, ask your Doctor to write a letter to the school pointing out there's no point in treating the symptoms if the underlying cause is not removed

11. Do not assume that:

the school agrees your child is being bullied

all school staff understand the anti-bullying policy

all school staff have been alerted as to what is going on

all school staff consistently apply the anti bullying policy

all school staff are adequately trained in applying the anti-bullying policy

all bullying incidents are logged

12. DO NOT GIVE UP! If you cannot save your child from all this nastiness, then who can?

Bullying Signs
What signs should you look for if you suspect your child is being bullied?

Bully Diary
Why you need to keep a Bully Diary

Does Bullying Run in Families?
Research shows that children who bully are often the victims of bullying in their own home.

Bully, Bullied, Bystander
The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander are the three main characters involved in a bullying situation.

Types of Bullying: Gay Bullying
Help for teens and young adults who are beung bullied because they are gay.

What is Cyber Bullying?
How to deal with Cyber Bullying and how to teach your kids to stay safe online

Bullying at Primary School
What you need to do if you believe your child is being bullied at Primary School