Festivus Carols
Festivus lyrics written for the Seinfeld-touted winter holiday of non-commercialism. Sing them to the tunes of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," "O Christmas Tree" & "O Holy Night."
Every holy day is a muse for song writers
Festivus is a holiday intentionally created by a family whose needs were not met by traditional mainstream winter season Holy fetes. The world learned about Festivus through the television comedy series Seinfeld. Composers have been inspired to write Festivus songs, but sadly, many of these lack the gift for song writing. A few even perform their carols on YouTube, by which we discover their lack of singing talent.
Never one to lack courage, I will put my lyrics out in the public eye. The reader, however, is required to sing these in his or her head, because I am not going to make anyone suffer with an amateur YouTube presentation of my amateur songs.
The Humble Festivus Pole
...maybe it's not aluminum, but it is plain
Let no tinsel befoul our sturdy pole.
Source: Maren Morgan
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To the tune of “O Tannenbaum (O Christmas Tree)”
O Festivus! O Festivus! We purists hate a big fuss!
O Festivus! O Festivus! A party for the rest of us!
Let’s air what we don’t like in you
(Your homemade bread is dog doodoo!)
O Festivus! O Festivus! A holiday for just us!
O Festivus! O Festivus! A simple pole is easy!
O Festivus! O Festivus! Real pine trees make me wheezy.
The wrestling moves I use with you
Insure we both exchange the flu.
O Festivus! O Festivus! Maybe you find it teasy.
O Festivus! O Festivus! We don’t hang up a stocking.
O Festivus! O Festivus! The reindeer don’t come knocking.
No carrots wait for them tonight.
All home invaders give me fright.
O Festivus! O Festivus! A holiday for just us!
Official Festivus Coffee Mug
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It's a great company to pretend you work for. Just ask George.
Only $15.95
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There's a pole. It requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting.
Only $15.95
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To the tune of “O Holy Night”
O Festivus, the twenty-third draws nearer -
It is the night without gifts, without debt.
Pressure to buy and decorate have vanished-
We proudly greet the aluminum pole.
Commercialism ruins winter gath’rings,
Communal joy re-enters every soul.
Wrestle our host - -
Oh, share your every grievance.
Oh ni-ight sublime.
O-oh night of Festivus.
My friends and I are ever
happy that we have you.
O Festivus, the clergy are not needed:
This is a night when the people are strong.
Oh, fill the halls with scents of fragrant meatloaf
And mac ‘n’ cheese, and a plain jello salad.
We don’t buy gifts; we don’t receive or give them –
So we don’t go return them at the mall.
Miracles are - -
Not limited to Christmas.
Oh ni-ight sublime.
O-oh night of Festivus.
My friends and I are ever
happy that we have you.
To tune of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”
Festivus is finally here,
Toast the day with wine and beer!
Say goodbye to buying toys.
Presents don’t create our joy.
Festivus eschews a tree.
Our plain pole is tinsel free.
On December twenty-three
Celebrate commercial-free.
No more pressure , no more debt:
Grievances are what we get.
Winter time brings Festivus -
Special for the rest of us.
We, the ninety-nine percent
Don’t have dough to pay the rent.
So, we won’t be wrapping gifts:
Bankruptcy took care of this.
Festivus is finally here,
Toast the day with wine and beer!
Turkey feasts are so passé.
Meatloaf always makes our day.
Festivus brings inner peace with
Wrestling, a sure stress release.
To prolong this holiday
Let the host win ev’ry way.
One may add this compendium to the stack of Festivus carols of dubious value. I don’t care whether you like them. If you do not, I guess that’s the Grievance you can give to me.
Jazz Tunes like they played at Ortlieb's Jazzhaus
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