Funny Country News from Hogspore 03-2012

I said howdy to Morton and Portia Trubletoof yesterday but Morton didn’t howdy me back. Portia explained, “He can’t chat for another week. 

We was making coffee in the kitchen. Whilst we was waiting for the forty weight to cook up, Morton was trying to entertain me by pitching ice cubes in the air and catching em in his mouth.

He’s right good at it but then one of those little icebergs got stuck in his throat. He couldn’t take in a breath and he turned blue. I didn’t know whether it was cause he didn’t have any new air in him or if the lodged glacier was turning him cold.

Morton had about 4 seconds left of aware time. He latched onto the hot pot of Joe and downed bout 6 cups of the boiling brew.  

That done the trick. The ice cube melted and Morton started to breathe again. He saved his own life and now he is the perfect husband … until his throat heals and he starts talking again.”

About once a year, Tony the barber gets a burr under his saddle. This time he was ranting against the Vowel Rule. He thinks there outta be a clear-cut rule and none of this sometimes-Y-cowplop. He said he was going to stop using Y as a vowel.

Jimmy Suspenders was sitting in the barber chair when Tony announced the Y boycott. Jimmy asked, “He Ton, Wh?”

We got an update on Tony. He was about 4 days into his Y taboo when a bunch of us had to carry him down to Doc Spicer’s office. Doc diagnosed Tony’s bad stomach cramps as a Vowel Obstruction.                

The Hogspore High School principal announced the winner of the only out of town annual scholarship award. It’s given every year to the least promising high school senior. This year Morton Trubletoof’s nephew Norton won the How-Ever-Long-It-Takes-Scholarship to Harvesting and Agronomics for Yokels University. Norton Trubletoof starts college in September at HAY U.

Evangeline, the granddaughter, is studying up on The Roman Empire in school. Bout this time, a couple thousand years ago or so, Julius Caesar was killed by his Senate buddies.

On what they call the Ides of March, a bunch of Caesar’s friends stabbed him. They say he was knifed 23 times, but it mighta been a bit more or less. Generally anything over 6 stabbings for a Roman ruler was sort of just showing off.  

Even Julius’s best pal, Brutus, got in on the pokings. Turns out that them Romans was a lot more countrified than you might think. Julius Caesar’s last words were, “Et Tu, Bubba?”

Junior Bickum’s wife had another baby last week. It topped out at 16 pounds. Mid-wife Norma Ten Centimeters Smith had to get the fire chief to help. Course there was a lot of screaming going on, mostly from Norma when she got her hand caught in the Jaws of Life.

Mrs. Bickum finally had to have a Caesarian Section done up. Junior Bickum provided a new fillet knife from his hardware store. Mrs. Bickum’s first words out of recovery were, “Et Tu, Junior?”

Mumford Pickens was a bragging bout his family crest. He ordered up a large plaque of his family crest to display by his front door. Looks like the only family crest I could find is the stuff we brush our teeth with to keep away the plaque.

The Widow Fenster is looking for any old time Hogspore recipes that you care to share with her for her next cookbook edition. As popular as they were, she can’t use any more of them road kill recipes and there ain’t gonna be a cat cooking chapter this time either. 

Duncan Winslow is into some hot water right now. The IRS said they’re gonna audit his tax return. They are concerned about his dependent’s information. Right now he’s scrambling to get his prize mule Bertram back enrolled full-time in school.

Heads up on the Big Boy Restaurant near Town Hall. It’s gonna be shut down all next week for some maintenance and what the manager calls a “Grease Exchange.” Turns out a goodly number of the Big Boy statues have come down with high cholesterol, so the Hogspore Big Boy is gonna get a new coat of Lipitor paint. 

The Kearney's from Winslow’s Holler got arrested again this St. Patrick’s Day. The whole clan was thrown in the pokey for drunk and disorderly conduct. Even the children are in there with the parents and grandparents in the same cell.

It’s not a problem for the Kearney’s cause they got more room in that cell than they do in their cabin. They’re gonna spend the next 30 days behind them bars thinking about what they done … or more like trying to remember what they done.

Some folks was worried that the children was gonna miss school. It’s ok cause them kids are all home-schooled and can get their learning done right there in the cell with their school teachers.

Last month I had myself a bad case of chapped hands. I found some of Punkin’s doctor ordered cream in the bathroom. I been rubbing that stuff on my hands.

It worked right well and my hands ain’t chapped no more. Not much has been going on with me and Punkin, but in the last couple of weeks I have helped plan 3 birthday parties, 2 weddings, and 1 funeral with a Hawaiian pastel floral theme, and still managed every day to have some “Me” time.

I got to get me some more of that skin cream. I don’t recollect the name but I think it’s made by a company called Hormone. I seen a 50% off coupon for it in my newest Oprah Magazine. I’ll clip it out and put it in my new coupon carrier. 

Mumford Pickens was telling me bout what’s been killing all the honeybees. Scientists say that something gets loose into the air when farmers plant special corn seed what has bug killer sprayed on it.

Remember when everybody was worried about the invasion of the Killer Bees. Now we got to worry bout the Killer Chemical Companies.

I always thought that bees was considered to be bugs but I never woulda figured out the connection between the poison and the bees dying like them special educated Einstein’s did. It makes a body right proud to have them smarter folks taking care of the rest of us like that.

Them lab lackeys call the dying honeybees a Colony Collapse Disorder. Sounds like something that happened to old man Grimely on his honeymoon.

Morton Trubletoof had to cut a sunroof in his truck cause he heard that gas prices were going through the roof.

This year April Fool’s Day falls on the first of April. That’s a Sunday for all you cross-referencers out there.

Hogspore’s annual beauty pageant was held Saturday, March 24^th. TaBetty Snoofergrass took the winner’s tiara home this year. Sheriff Reilly had to go fetch it and give it to the real winner, Essie Meyerpie.

You all know Essie from her football and checkers activities. She’s the same gal that got removed from the Checkers Club. 

Essie’s checker opponent taunted her by saying, “You gotta jump me. It’s the rules!” Essie jumped her all right. She threw one of her famous open-field football-learned body blocks on her foe. That ended the match and Essie’s chance to ever get a scholarship for Checkers in college but now she’s looking even better for some football scholarships.

Ms. Ramsa Korncobb said she is giving up teaching Yoga. She was the first parent to start Om Schooling for her children. She said “I was working so hard for so long. I was just stretching myself too thin. I’ve saved some money over the years and now I’m in a position to retire.”

A bunch of us boys at the barbershop was making up a list of what folks do to get fired or kicked out of a group. Here’s the list:

Apologized for having no-fault car insurance.
Bad mouthed the Debate Team.
Blackballed by the Billiards Club.                                                                                                Booted off the Hiking Club.
Bounced off the basketball team.
Canned from the tuna factory.
Cut from the Bowie Knife factory. 
Dropped from the Sky Diving Club.
Drummed out of the marching band.
Had a falling out with the Tree Climbing Club.
Fired from the Cannon Towel Company.
Given the finger in Sign Language Class.
Hurled off the Medical Trial Study on Vomiting.
Illustrated a book for the blind.
Kicked off the football team.
Laid off from the Simmons Mattress Company.
Minced words with a Christmas Pie Maker. 
Recognized by the Anonymous Club. 
Passed over by the Religious Holiday Club.
Run out of the Jogging Club.
Shot down by the Gun Club.
Sliced from the bread bakery. 
Spoke out of turn at the Mime Club.
Threw in the towel at the Swimming Club.
Thrown off the Wrestling Team.
Turned down by the Hotel Maid’s Association.
Ushered out of the Movie Club.
Vetoed by the Association for Web-Footed Humans.
Whisked off the Curling Team.
Xed off the Notary Public Organization 
Yanked from the Dental Association.

If you can think of some more, then send them to bobsimpson1947@yahoo.com. We’ll print them for you with your names if you like.