Funny Country News from Hogspore Arkansas 12-2011

December 7^th is Pearl Harbor Day and a time to reflect back on some bad times for us and to be proud that we come through that and other bad times since then and we’re still here.

I still think it’s too soon for The Bennigatos Steak House, out on highway 71, to celebrate with an early morning breakfast: The Rising Sun Omelet Special.

Mumford was telling me bout a new philosophy that has changed his life and stopped making him so mad in traffic. I don’t know what traffic he’s talking about in Hogspore but I didn’t want to interrupt when he was a telling his new way of thinking.

Mumford says, “Clet, you know the old story about the glass being half full or half empty? Well I maintain that it don’t matter what the glass looks like, it’s how thirsty you are. If you’re thirsty then the glass is half empty. If you ain’t thirsty then the glass is half full.”

I kinda nudged Mumford, “What’s that got to do with traffic?”

“I’m getting there.” sez Mumford. “I was just getting your mind ready to absorb my new philosophy about traffic. All these years when I come up on a red light, I was upset cause I didn’t make the green light. I have turned that around and I ain’t never mad about red lights anymore.

Now when I get to a red light I just say to myself that I got to the green light early and I ain’t mad.”

Mumford said that kinda of new thinking was called a Paradigm. I always thought a Paradigm was 20 cents.

December 16 is Hogspore’s annual Tribute to Fresh Fruit and Granulated Sugar. This year, the judges ruled that Rhubarb could be considered a fruit. Marjorie Billings, long time champion, is out of the homemade preserve competition this year.

Last week she was a working in her kitchen putting up Rhubarb Jam. Rhubarb Jam takes a lot of sugar to make it legitimate. Marjorie must of shoveled in a bit too much of the sweetness cause the whole pot blew up and splashed that Rhubarb Jam all over her from top to bottom.

I got to stop to tell you that Marjorie Billings has a peculiar way of preserving. She strips down to her altogether in her hot kitchen.

About 4:30 PM that day Marjorie was huddled on the floor just a shaking from the shock of hot Rhubarb Jam a clinging to every pore of her skin. The kitchen winders was wide open and facing the street. At least that’s what I heard. I don’t know this for a fact and I got receipts from Bickums Hardware that shows I was buying a pair of binoculars at 4:30 PM that day.

Mr. Julian Billings come home driving his black F150 truck to find his wife a laying on the floor just quivering Rhubarb. I heard it was his black F150 truck but I don’t personally know first hand that that’s what he was a driving.

Julian likes Rhubarb Jam about as much as he loves his dog, wife, and 4 out of his 5 children. He carried Marjorie upstairs and they have not come down yet. I believe he’s still up there a cleaning his wife until his Diabetes kicks in again.

“Toads can detect earthquakes.” That’s what Mumford Pickens told me. He said he read about it in the news. Turns out it’s Italian Toads so it ain’t gonna help much round these parts unless Punkin is cooking up some Spaghetti and Meatballs when the next shake hits.

I read up on them Italian toads and the latest news is that they don’t know nothing about earthquake prediction. Scientists caught the Italian Toads just a copying what the Italian Frogs was doing … and the Italian Frogs ain’t talking … in any language.

Morton Trubletoof said that he once suspected that there was an earthquake about to start. It never did. Turns out it happened during his honeymoon so it might've been something else

Some animals leave their homes and head for safety, sometime weeks before us humans can detect the tremors. I recollect that Grandpappy left home one morning. He got to shaking something awful the night before he left.

It was like the quake was creaking only under his boots. Besides the earthquake, he had run out of moonshine a few days before.

Grandmomma said that while he was gone for 5 weeks, he took a cure, whatever that means. When he come back home, he never had no more earthquakes by himself. Funny thing though, he never had no more alcohol neither.

Grandpappy said that he plumb forgot he liked the stuff and that he remembered that he liked Grandmomma better.

Mayor Ringer and the whole town ofHogsporewish a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all the folks inArkansasand beyond, even to the few of you that we don’t particularly care for.

I don’t know bout you but it looks like 2012 is bearing down on us like a foreclosure process server in Detroit. We might have to rename our country Atlantis cause all our homes are underwater. Enough doom and/or gloom. Just had to get it out before we start a fresh new year.

Hope you had a great holiday and have enough brain cells left to properly celerbrate New Year’s Eve with some more adult beverages. Take a pillow with you when you celerbrate. Then you can just sleep it off wherever you are stead of driving home drunk.

Remember how you feel when you lose something on the computer and can’t get it back. Well you’re gonna feel 1,000 times worse than that for the rest of your life if you hurt somebody cause your were drinking and driving.

Jimmy Suspenders has added a flock of sheep to his 20 acres behind his house. He don’t have no male sheep yet. I guess the proper word for a male sheep is ram.

Jimmy says he’s gonna raise sheep and hopes to sell some of the new- born sheep next year. I guess the proper word for a baby sheep is lamb. Jimmy’s wife scratched her head at this, “Jimmy, how do expect to raise sheep when you don’t have any Rams.”

Jimmy sez, “I haven’t really thought this thing out proper-like, have I?”

Jimmy’s wife shouted, “Jimmy, it’s just not always about female sheep.” I guess the proper word for a female sheep is Ewe and that would make the preceding sentence a might funnier.

That technique in newspaper writing jargon is called the prolonged punch line. Don’t try it unless you know what you’re doing.

The current month's columns can be found at www.Hogspore.com.