How to Get Out of a Bad Marriage

by katiem2

Learn if your marriage is really that bad, if you need out and if so how to get out of a bad marriage. Life is meant to be enjoyed not spending it miserable in a bad marriage.

I've experienced the agony of a bad marriage and remember all to well the struggle to end it. The moment I realized it was over the desire for freedom ran a close second to finding the real me again. I knew I wasn't myself, happy or living my life to the fullest. As I began to make my way out I realized just how lost a person becomes living in a loveless or one sided marriage. I became more and more miserable living with the reality my marriage was a mistake. I had doubts from the beginning and now realize those doubts were a warning no one should blow off or shrug off as cold feet.

How to End a Bad Marriage

Staying in a bad marriage is a bad idea for everyone involved.

Anytime you express interest in divorce it's common for others to talk you down from the thought as if it's a disastrous option. Many people, me included, get married to someone they should not. In such cases divorce is the healthiest option for both parties.

Ah, the idea of a perfect marriage, the thing that gets many of us in trouble. We think we must do what everyone else is and why? This is the 20 million dollar question. Many of us think we're in love and yet later find out NOPE, that was not love! But the vows were said and the ink is dry.

Real people suffer very real pain in marriage. Why should anyone live with so much pain? Can't two people simply call it a mistake and move on, no harm no foul? 

Many of us don't know what true romantic love really is. If you've never experienced true love there's no way of knowing and therefore many a tragic marriage begins. We follow what seems to be love as outlined per our society which leads us down the rabbit hole.

Real Life Bad Marriage Experience

How a bad marriage effects your life and how to get out of a bad marriage.

After 7 years of living with a man I didn't love all the adoration in the world could not keep us together.  In time animosity builds to a fiery pitch making both the bride and groom miserable. It’s sad to be annoyed by the mere sight and sound of a perfectly decent human being, it's wrong for you and for spouse to live this way. I did the right thing and left.

I know what it’s like to wonder where to go and where to turn for help. I also know how difficult it is to face divorce alone; trying to keep your marital struggles from your family and friends proves to be an impossible task.

The time will come when it gets to be too much, hiding it is impossible deep down you know it must be obvious to everyone. 

When You Know it's Over

What to do when you realize your marriage is over can be a daunting task.

At this point you can no longer remain in a bad marriage nor should you. To do so is unhealthy for anyone involved. It’s best to come to terms with the reality of divorce privately not telling anyone about it until you are certain it’s the right path for you.

What to Do About a Bad Marriage

Many people think about it from time to time only to return from those fleeting thoughts back to an unhappy marriage. You instinctively know the difference. 

It is only when the problems become such a mounting issue unable to be repaired that divorce is the best option. Be warned, your friends, family and spouse may give you a million reasons to reconsider divorce.

No one knows the truth about your marriage. The last thing you need is to be advised by clueless spectators. Trust yourself and know what you want, examine the truth about your marriage and move on from there. Many continue to suffer in bad marriage as they take the advice of others.  Anyone offering such advice should be careful as they don’t know all the circumstances. I can’t think of many people who would actually want to be responsible for keeping a bad marriage together.

The Signs of a Bad Marriage

If you experience the signs of a bad marriage the thoughts of divorce are validated.

Review the signs of a bad marriage.

  1. You feel continual negative emotions when you experience the touch and or sound of your spouse voice. These such emotions often manifest into adverse physical changes threatening your health and mental well being.
  2. You make an effort to do most everything you can alone,without your spouse.
  3. You rarely ever talk; I mean really talk to your spouse anymore and stop sharing important details. In severe cases you find you can't process their words as you've tuned them completely out.
  4. Intimacy (as in hugging, holding hands, kissing etc.) is enjoyed less and less until it fades or feels wrong.  
  5. Someone or something becomes more important to you than your spouse until they are a significant void in your life.
  6. You think less of your spouse and more about yourself as survival instincts kick in and you fear your well being threatened from the stress of a bad marriage.

Options for Bad Marriages

What to do once you acknowledge the fact you're in a bad marriage.

Once you've established you’re in a bad marriage and truly want out move on to the planning stage. Don’t hesitate, don’t wait, plan! Planning takes a lot of time.

Many people rush into separation or divorce coming out on the other side with a lot of regret and resentment. Divorce does not have to be this way. It’s for this reason you must really think long and hard about the terms you choose.

Eliminating Doubt in Relationships

Learning the vitals of maintaining a healthy happy relationship takes knowledge.

Is Divorce Right For Me?

Take stock in what really matters to you and your spouse noting and outlining these facts.  As you review all things create a list, a reference document to use when discussing the terms of the divorce.  It is common to go blank when it's time to discuss the terms in the attorney’s office.  Divorce is hard to talk about even with your lawyer, relax and refer to your notes.

Don’t take more of the material possessions than you should, as there is no reason to hurt your spouse in anyway. There is something to be said for Karma, so keep your slate clean.

When Divorce is The Answer

Work on your divorce plan carefully by following a well structured plan.

The Steps to a Successful Divorce

1) Many times people talk about divorce as if it's not the answer, for this reason it is crucial to come to terms with this and know if divorce is in fact the best solution for your situation.

  • If you know this to be true you can remain firm in your decision not to be influenced other wise or made to second guess yourself. 
  • If kids are involved it’s important to work this out before hand to maintain stability and give your children a sense of security.  
  • Let the kids know that you are still their rock and they can count on you to do what’s best

The Smart Way to End a Bad Marriage

2) Take care of money matters. If you have limited money or no source of income you will need to make certain you have a place to live.

  • If children are involved you can apply for housing which can take up to one year or longer. Look into this and make certain you have a place to go.
  • If you’re a man and plan to leave the house to the ex wife and kids secure an affordable apartment.
  • I have a girl friend who made the choice to leave the house and kids to her husband who was a stay home Dad, as she is a career driven person.  
  • All marriages are different and therefore all divorces are as well. Divorces don’t happen over night so start now and plan well.
  • You could arrange to live with a family member through the divorce proceedings.
  • It’s helpful to have the support of loved ones to help you at such a difficult time, plus they will prove vital to the balance and well being of children if you have any.
  • Doing it alone is fine too, in fact a vital need for many. I personally am a loner and needed a private place to live during my divorce, one free of family and friends.

Simple Guide to Leaving a Bad Marriage

3) Once you leave don’t contact your spouse as arguments will most likely occur and there’s been enough of that.

  • Allow your children to enjoy an argument free environment. This will also allow your spouse to have time to think and evaluate what’s important no longer creating a hostile situation.
  • Truthfully divorce is about ending the conflict; keep your focus on being respectful of your spouse and your children all the while maintaining your own self respect.

4) Talk to the kids helping them to understand what’s going on in an age appropriate manner. Be careful to keep any fear or anger from your children as this can make them feel scared and doubtful about their future. 

If You Think You Can Work It OUT!

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  • It’s important to highlight their activities and positive accomplishments helping them to stay engaged in their own lives.
  • Do not talk badly about your spouse, the kid’s father or mother ever. Anytime you criticize the other parent you criticize the kids as they share the same DNA! Children take this as a personal criticism.

If you struggling with this issue remember it takes just one step at a time so be patient with the process. Divorce is never an easy time and yet a very necessary fact, remember this to shall pass.

Much Love and Success, Katie

Updated: on 05/24/2013, katiem2
 
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Share your experiences with a bad marriage


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teddletonmr on 05/24/2013

I know of a few to many bad unhappy marriages due to a bad match to begin with. If people would only enter marriage more carefully. But when they don't they can always turn to katiem2 for help.

katiem2 on 01/21/2013

Bea, The most important thing is that you are looking at this in an open and honest light. I would go to an attorney and proceed taking the advice they give you as it will be to the letter of the law. Congrats on making the choice to move on and get out of a bad marriage, it is no way to live. I'm always here if you need to talk more or just need to vent. In the mean time I'll imagine everything working out in the most positive way possible.:)K

Bea on 01/21/2013

This is my second marriage, and I had the red flags, but didn't listen. We will be married 5 years in March and to be honest, I'm surprise I've let it go on this long. He cheats, and can't keep a job. The second car we bought, I had to co-sign.. now I have TWO car payments. He is in for a surprise though because I'm going to put a for sale sign on it and if that don't work, I'll cancel the insurance.. Now, the hard part.. How do I kick him out without a vehicle?? Any ideas?

katiem2 on 06/24/2012

Thanks for sharing your experience with a bad marriage and glad to hear your happy now. :) K

Scott on 06/24/2012

Hey katiem2, This is a great guide for anyone facing any marital problems. Don't we all at one time or another? But you're so right there are those that can be fixed and those marriages that are over without a doubt and should start and finish the divorce process. I myself have been through a divorce. I wish I had this how to get out of a bad marriage guide when I was stuch in a one. I'll keep this in mind for friends and family who need it. Thanks

katiem2 on 02/18/2012

Andy, I can honestly say I have no, nor did I ever have doubt, the marriage brought me to that certainty. I did have doubt about getting married and feel I should have responded to that doubt by canceling the wedding. Everyone is different and therefore their needs and level of conviction are different. I think this question may be better addressed here http://wizzley.com/how-to-really-know...

AndyGerenraich on 02/18/2012

If children learn how to function in society from their parents, then I think observing a respectful separation is better than a stagnant and embittered family. I loved your take on "clueless spectators," and distinguishing the truth for yourself. Regarding your comment below, did you ever have moments where you doubted you made the right choice? Is there ever a situation where you don't experience any doubt?

katiem2 on 02/18/2012

Brenda, Thanks for sharing, I'm so thrilled you got out and I do understand what you mean about people saying, are you sure... ugh I feel the same way, there is nothing like being free again. I doubt I ever marry again.

Dustytoes, Good to be validated, It stills happens in society but you would think people would realize there is not pressure to marry at any time or ever if not right for you. I always tell my girls if you have any doubt, follow doubt, it's your inner voice guiding you. Marriage is something you should never do with any doubt, cold feet are not a positive normal sign to over look.

Dustytoes on 02/18/2012

I agree with you that too many people get married because it's the normal thing to do and very few really know true love, which I believe is very rare. I've always told my kids they should wait until they are at least 30 to get married. I think older people just have a better sense of what they want and who they are.
I am so much better off on my own after being married for over 20 years.

BrendaReeves on 02/18/2012

I've been there and done that too. It took me 16 years to make the decision to get out. When I finally did it, and told people I was getting a divorce, some would say "Are you sure this is what you want to do?" "No, I love wasting my life and living every moment of it in misery." I felt like punching those people.




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