I Statements - Examples and Exercises in Communication

Just as invading someone's personal space without their consent is likely to make them uncomfortable, your use of language can overstep boundaries, making people uncomfortable and defensive.

Here are some examples of statements that could be likely to overstep boundaries and make people defensive:

• You're wrong. - If a person just told you something, they usually don't think that what they said was wrong. Telling them that they're wrong, even if you are very confident that you are correct, is likely to come across as abrasive. The more strongly the person believes what they said, and the more aggressively you accused them of being wrong, the more likely they will be to take offence.
• You said that but you didn't mean it. - This sort of statement is highly likely to offend, because it attributes a negative or dishonest intention to the person. It often elicits a feeling that you are not listening to the person or that you are demonizing them or viewing them in a negative light.
• You should do it this way. - People don't like being told what to do, and should statements like this do exactly that. If you want to be persuasive, you would do better to explain to someone why you want them to do something.

• No, you're wrong. --> "I don't agree with that." or "I'm not sure I agree with that." - These statements takes responsibility for the disagreement, stating that your opinion is different without making a global statement about fact. The inclusion of language expressing uncertainty "I'm not sure" further softens the statement, communicating that you are open to seeing different perspectives and discussing the point. At the same time, you are being assertive about the fact that you do not agree, and you are halting the conversation's progression to work out the point of disagreement before continuing.
• You said that but you didn't mean it. --> "I'm having trouble believing it when you say [fill-in-the-blank]" - Although this statement may still come across as confrontational, it takes greater responsibility for your lack of belief, and it avoids a directly accusatory tone. It also repeats what the person said back to you, which communicates that you are listening and heard and understood what they said. In many cases, you may want to go even further and start by repeating what you heard, and waiting before you share your reservations. For example: "So you are saying [fill-in-the-blank]?"  ... pause to think ... "I still feel uncertain because..." This communicates that you're reflecting on what the person said, but it is still expressing your reservations or doubts about what the person is saying.
• You should do it this way. --> "If I were you, I would do it this way, because..." or "I would really like you to do it this way, because..." or "I think this would be a better way to do it, because..." - All of these avoid the vague and potentially bossy-sounding should statement, and they all provide extra reasoning after the "because...", so as to be more persuasive. The first approach, starting "If I were you..." communicates your own personal approach and gives advice in a "take it or leave it" kind of way, showing respect for the other person's judgment, whereas the second "I would really like you to do it..." communicates your own personal desires or wishes. The last approach, "I think this would be a better way..." is a good way to introduce clear practical reasons for doing something a particular way.

These are a few examples of how you can use I statements to respect people's viewpoints when they differ from your own. With effort, you can think up some of your own examples.

If you experiment with communicating in these ways, you will be likely to find that you are able to discuss controversial and emotionally-charged topics without upsetting people as much, and you may also find that you become much more persuasive when interacting with people who have differing views.

I statements, like many things in life, are something that can be used effectively or poorly. It is important to not just reword your statements using the word "I', but rather, to make sure to embrace the spirit of respectfulness and positivity when using them.

Think about statements like this:

• I think that you're an idiot.
• I think you're a liar.
• I want you to shut up.

These are unlikely to have the desired effect of making people comfortable or being more persuasive. Do these sound ridiculous? It might seem that way now, when you're thinking straight, but when people get into a heated discussion, or when they are angry or take offence at something that people said, they can fall into patterns of making statements like this more easily.

If you want I statements to be effective, make sure to embrace the spirit behind them, like in the examples explained above, rather than just including the word "I"; in your sentences.  Keep it positive!

Asking for what you want is a key aspect of assertiveness, but I personally also find it to be a key aspect of respectful communication as well. If you are indirect about what you want, it can inconvenience others as they try to guess what you are looking for (often unsuccessfully). Asking directly eliminates ambiguity, which is considerate to the listener.

Some examples:

• I'm upset about some issues in our relationship, and I want to talk to you about them and resolve them because I like you a lot and I want to stay together and enjoy being with you without worrying about these things. --- A great way to remove any sort of doubt in a relationship...you start the conversation by emphasizing that you want to stay together and want to resolve the issue, so the other person doesn't have to start worrying about this.
• I was very troubled by how this incident was handled, and I want a written response so I can be assured that it won't happen again. --- This statement is good because it communicates exactly what you are looking for. Often, when people are upset, it is not clear exactly what they want in order to be satisfied.
• I want to speak with someone who has the authority and knowledge to answer these questions. --- If you're talking to a customer service representative, or other person who doesn't have the knowledge or authority to address your problem, this cuts to the key business, and it lets them know that you aren't interested in wasting anyone's time, but that you want your question resolved.

Asking directly for what you want is useful in close relationships, in the workplace, in school, and when dealing with businesses, stores, and corporations. It is useful anywhere other people are involved. You won't always get exactly what you want, but it usually doesn't hurt to ask.

You can also ask a direct question. For example, in the third case above:

"Can you refer me to someone who can help solve this problem?" - People dont like to say no, and will be more likely to either solve your problem or refer you to someone who can, if you ask directly like this.

1. Think of and write down at least three situations that have upset you some time recently in your life.

2. Reflect on what you want from other people in these situations.

3. Write down I statements in which you tell people what you want. First start with a simple statement, and then write a question in which you ask someone if they can give you what you want.

4. Go out into the world and ask people for something that you want!