Battles and Hugs: Mothers and Daughters

A mother means love more than anything else.  No matter what kind of mom yours is - or was - don't you always think of "nurturing", "kind" and "loving" when the word mother is mentioned?  Even most wild and domestic animal mothers will care lovingly for their offspring and will fight to protect their babies.

Mothers are special people who, I believe, have the opportunity to have the most positive influence over their children, and their daughters especially.  As daughters, we either tend to clash with our mothers' personalities, or we bond closely with them.  Either way, I like to think that most mothers love their children unconditionally, even if they don't show it.

My mother grew up as an only daughter and somewhat like an only child, with a brother that was much older. I think my mother was a bit spoiled and when she got married she expected to be treated like a princess.

Her knight (my father) built her a house on a big piece of land and provided very well for her, but it seems that there was trouble from the start. My father divorced her as soon as my sister and I were grown.

I remember my mother as a homebody. She didn't drink or smoke and only had a couple of friends who she talked to over the phone. She seldom went anywhere with them.

She played the piano and loved Liberace for his piano playing abilities and would always watch his show. She taught me how to sew (which I hated) and how to bake, especially desserts. She always had a big sweet tooth.  She always seemed quite boring to me. 

We never did anything fun together.

(Photo:  From their wedding album - my mother Shirley, with her mother, Hazel)

Do you ever think, as a mother, about what your children will remember when you are gone? 

Parents make mistakes, they are human, and we can forgive them, but their overall attitude and personality remains constant and it is what we think of when they come to mind.

My mother and I were completely different people. Her attitude toward me has affected me my whole life.

My mother expected me to be born a curly-haired, red head, like her mother.  I should also have had musical abilities and been a pianist.  (My father wanted me to be a boy so I could be named after his brother who died in the war.)  I was none of these things, so that gave me one bad start.  I can only assume that I could never do enough to make up for those flaws.

Unfortunately, when I think of my mother the things that stand out have to do with negative attitude.  I don't remember ever receiving a compliment from her.   She said and did things that I wish I could forget, because they told me how disappointed she was in me.

I grew up without parents to talk to. They were both very distant and seemingly uncaring about my life. I had rules to obey, but my opinions didn't matter.  My sister and I were definitely "seen and not heard".

We didn't talk as a family and looking back all four of us - mom, dad, my sister and I - just went our own ways each day. Our problems were our own. I thought it was normal because that was all I knew, but once I was grown I realized how much it affected how I viewed myself and the world around me.

No hugs, no kisses or "I love you's" from my mother.  We ate at the dinner table but no conversations took place that I recall, and anything that was said was strained and phony.

I vowed to be close to my kids. I would tell them all the time that I loved them and I spent as much time as possible being part of their lives. I always want them to know that they can count on me to support them. They are not alone - they have a mom!  Three of them are now grown and they seem pretty happy and well-adjusted to me.

(Because of a wide range in ages (13 - 35 here) and the fact that we are scattered all over the country, my four kids are rarely all together, but they were in the summer of 2010 when I got this photo.)

I used to dread my mother's phone calls because she would usually want us (me, my husband and kids) to come over and visit her.  She was married (later on in life) to a man I despised.  I honestly don't think she liked him much either, but she couldn't live alone, so opted to marry a drunken bum.

She was always welcome at my house and if fact I could have used some help, but even though I worked all week and needed my weekends to catch up, she rarely wanted to come over to visit me (us).  So we remained at odds.  I always hoped she'd become the mother I wanted and needed in my life, but she didn't.  Imagine that!

These days, many years later, I'd love to get a call from her, but it won't happen.  In 1997 my youngest child was born and shortly after that we realized that something was wrong with Ma.  She was diagnosed with Alzheimers.  She went into a nice nursing home a few years later (her husband had all the say in what happened to her) and she gradually wasted away over the course of ten years and died in 2008.

Now that I am middle age, I sometimes find myself realizing that I understand her a bit better.  If she was still around we may even have had the chance to become friends.

Daughters can quite often be the total opposite of their mothers and unless we moms can accept that our daughters are unique people, there will be clashes.  I hope that we can look at it as a good thing and encourage our daughters to be themselves, even if we don't understand!

I was very lucky to have had a daughter who was very little trouble throughout her childhood and teen years.  I have known people who were not as lucky.  Girls tend to be very social and my daughter certainly was.  I always kept involved by volunteering at her school and wanted to meet her friends and their parents.

We are not alike in many ways, yet even now that she is in her twenties we remain friends.  I believe it is mostly because I always took an interest in her life.   I hope that she will remember me as loving and supportive at the very least.

Sometimes we just have to trust that as time passes, we will grow closer and personality differences will diminish.  It may take many years for mothers and daughters to become friends.

I am thankful for the loving moms in this world!  You all make the world a better place with your sacrificial giving and loving ways.  Kids will become fantastic adults because of your encouragement and support.  Your positive influence in their lives will be seen for generations to come - believe it!