Regret: A Poem from The Divorce Chronicles

When you've chosen to keep your last name for the sake of your child, it is a bittersweet pill.  There are good memories tied to that name.  There is a child tied to that name.  There is an entire set of in-laws tied to that name.  (Which can be a good or bad thing).  From my perspective, it seems to be a constant reminder of my ex-husband and the failure of the marriage--a very painful reminder.  This is compounded by the fact that I actually was engaged to be remarried since the divorce, but I ended up breaking the engagement because I was just not ready.  My fiance died this past October from a heart attack.  The new marriage was just not meant to be.  I have contemplated reverting back to my maiden name, but it seems like a lot of red tape and probably would add a lot of confusion to my business dealings.  Plus, I consider how it might make my son feel alienated from me.  If the last name is good enough for him, then it is good enough for me.  It is just a name.  The character behind the name is who a person ultimately is.  This is what I strive to remember.   

The name "Regret" may cause some to pause.  My regrets are many--not that I am actually divorced, because that cannot be undone; but that it had to actually come down to it.  I regret that I have a failed marriage--what I view as a black mark on my record.  Bitterness? Oh yes, there has been a boat load of bitterness.  But it's getting better.  Every time it pops up, I have to slap it in the head and tell it to sit down and shut up.  Sometimes it wins.  But those times are getting farther and farther between.  Do I still cry when I write my last name?  No.  Those days are behind me.  Do I still feel a twinge of sadness?  Yes.  But I trust as time goes on even that will fade.  You never know what life will bring.  In the words of Kermit, for now at least, I just smile and say, "I ain't easy bein' green."