Funny Home Improvement Tips

There are more than a hundred disclaimers or warnings when you purchase a house. Consult an attorney before you sign off on that sinkhole waiver for your new home in Sunken Acres.

The warning you will never receive is that there is unbridled competition lying just below the lush Saint Augustine grassed lawns along your new boulevard. Mowing the lawn is similar to nuclear fusion. Once one lawn is mown, the others will follow in nanoseconds. If one car is washed, all the other autos on the block will be clean.

It is not keeping up with the Joneses. It is Jonesing about keeping up with the Joneses.

Prove my point. Buy an airboat and park it in your carport. Next week your neighbor will have an airboat in his carport and the propeller will be larger than your little prop.

You will be prompted to join the homeowner’s association. This organization is established to formalize the Yard of the month, Best Halloween decorated yard, and the best Christmas Lights Display competition.

You will somehow survive all this subtle competition until one morning when your decide to put the house on the market. That is the day after you have discovered that all the housewives in the neighborhood have had breast implants.

You are a single male homeowner who revels in the hunt, the quest, the competition, but now it’s either move out of the neighborhood or start shopping for a plastic surgeon and a bra.

Here are some tips for the new home owner:

1. Beware of any interior decorator who claims to have a black belt in feng-shui.

2. A painted Styrofoam barbecue pit will still impress the next door neighbors until you can afford a real brick one.

3. A mailbox painted to look like a doll house is cute. Painting your new home to resemble a massive mailbox is not cute.

4. Your property value is indirectly proportional to the number of aluminum lawn chairs sitting in your carport.

5. Don’t use the public utilities transformer in the front yard as a picnic warming tray.

6. If the roof leaks, you can always find good cheap help at a Shingles Club.

7. You can consider killing crab grass and chinch bugs as an official summer sport.

8. There shouldn’t be any left-over fan blades after you install a ceiling fan.

9. If you want to win “Yard of the Month”, don’t store an airboat in the front yard.

10. More than 3 skateboard ramps in your driveway is just showing off.