I don't feel qualified to critique fiction work - I find that creative writing is something where people often get their hackles up or a lot of interpretations from one piece.
However I do want to comment on the place of fiction on the internet
First, if you want to earn money off creative writing (stories, books in pieces, poetry) on the internet, give up now. Sure, there's a one in a million chance a publisher might stumble on your work and you'll get a book deal but that's about the same chance as winning the lottery.
Secondly, your title is very important if you want anyone other than your fans (or people browsing your pages) to come across your page. For instance instead of calling a poem "Loved Days of Lore" which no one would be typing into a search engine, you need to use a name that people are looking for like "Poem about New and Old Love".
Thirdly, I still stand by my first point, but there are a few, very rare writers who are purely known for their fiction online. But it takes a lot of work (likely a lot more than a normal 'commercial' page). Here are some ways you can (maybe) get to be a well known online creative writer:
- Get a pen name (or your real one), just used for writing your pieces. Preferably one that's unique enough that you can rank in the top five places for it on Google. So in other words, don't pick John Smith!
- Register the domain name and start a basic wordpress site. Sure, you can write on other sites, but it'll look more professional and you'll have plenty more options to share with and promote your own work from your own site (including Twitter feeds, Facebook page etc)
- When you post a piece to your site, DO KEYWORD RESEARCH. Even if you have creative names for your pieces, you can use keywords in your meta tags, in your post tags, in your subheadings.
- Do the hard part - get a name for yourself. How? Make a Facebook fan page, use a twitter account with your pen name and USE YOUR HASHTAGS and tweet daily, post on writer's forums with your info & site name in the signature, write pieces on sites like fanfiction.net and other well known writers sites - make your name well known in the writing community.