My Personal Sympathy Messages For Loss Of Mother

by frugalrvers

My mother died suddenly at 66 years of age. The day before her death, we talked, like any other day - the next day, she was gone.

Since my mom passed away suddenly on January 27, 2012, I've written many things, my own sympathy messages for the loss of my mother. Depending on my mood, some were angry...some were I rode the waves of my grief.

I still wake up, as if in a dream, most mornings...waiting for the tsunami to hit and carry me into reality. I know I will never, ever be the same again - even as my grief lessens over time.

These are my thoughts on losing my mother and more...

Dealing With The Loss Of A Mother

My First Mother's Day Without Her, Only Days Away

If you're reading this because you are dealing with the loss of a mother, let me first say how sorry I am for your pain. Until one walks through that door losing their own mom, no matter how much others love you and care, they just can't possibly comprehend what it feels like. By the way, if you are reading this because someone you care about lost their mother, thank you for being such a beautiful person.

Our support systems, family and friends, do what they can to help - and they feel so powerless. They send flowers, cards, prayers, food - but the void, the incredible hole that takes up space where our hearts once resided, cannot be filled even with their best intentions.

I am dedicating this article to those who lost their moms, but for those who are here to help, you are welcome here, too. What a wonderful person you must be, to be taking time and trying to find ways to support your friend, lover or family member through his/her grief. Please remember that though grief is a process, lives are altered forever. We will make it through and evolve, but we can never be exactly the same. There isn't a timeline or "end" where the bell rings and grief is over. This woman who brought us into the world, a bond that cannot be matched in any other living person, is gone. No matter how spiritual one is, no matter how optimistic and upbeat he or she might be, learning to cope and continue walking through this physical world without a mother does not go away. She was there for our first steps, now we don't know how to walk without her.

I am now going to switch over to talking to those in "the club" no one wants to be a part of - those who have lost their moms. I'm sorry you are a member, because I believe most of us would give up everything to have her back just one more day..............

Since The Death Of My Mom, I Still Look For Her Everywhere

Searching And Feeling Lost Are Normal
Searching And Feeling Lost Are Normal

Don't Look To Define Grief, Healing Comes From Learning To Live With Loss

Overcoming The Death Of A Loved One Is Not Something For A "To Do" List

I'm learning the art of handling grief and loss since my mom passed away.Talking and writing about her didn't bring her back. It is, indeed, an "art." As much as we would like to run away from responsibility, disappear into the mountains or, in a darker moment, join her - we can't. Let me tell you something else, and I don't know your mother...SHE WOULDN'T WANT US TO. My mom, if able to come back for a few minutes, would say "ok...I'm fine...time to get back on the horse, for goodness sake!"

This has helped me a lot. Yes, she is gone, but 43 years of getting to know this beautiful woman is not erased! You have to imagine her sitting next to you...what would she say? Do you think she would want your world to end for the remainder of your life? I am a mom as well. My own mom lost her mother in 1996 and she still was able to be my mom in all of her pain. We can keep living - it is allowed...and I like to think I'll be "grounded and sent to my room" by her if I do otherwise.

Another way I handle my grief is that I have a journal just for talking to her. I miss our phone calls and so when I need to talk to her, I date it, start each entry with "mom" and talk like I would if she were on the phone. Entries start with "mom, you won't BELIEVE THIS" or "I need your help, mom." I know it doesn't bring her back...but you have to stay connected with her, keep her in your heart.

My problem with the "grief process" is that it is a modern day (even if accurately staged) law that we are to if you reach an end point. Everything in our modern society is put in so many boxes, like death is a formula. Ugh. I respect the process and see my own role in it, but don't buy into feeling you are taking some sort of grief test - today you are in "anger mode" and tomorrow "acceptance." You are wherever you are....and it is ok. Even animals in the wild "grieve" when they lose their mother. It is painful, but it is natural...just "be."

Speaking of animals, to make my grief worse, we lost our six year old cat, too. It has not been a good year.....

No Matter Where I Look, She Isn't There

But I Always Find Her In My Heart And She Still Teaches Me Things Each Day
Always Searching For Mom, And Always Will
Always Searching For Mom, And Always ...

As Always, I Define Unconventional, Even In My Grief

I Did Thank You Notes My Way And I'm So Glad I Did

I'm pasting below the thank you note I did, months after my mom's death. My mom touched so many lives that they had to open the next room up at her funeral. I did not want to go through this process as I'm told I should. Instead, I did a "letter" to everyone, which I am sharing below (by the way, her name was "Holly" and I printed it on paper bordered in holly leaves).


To all of you who have held us up through this tremendous grief, since losing my                  beautiful mother on January 27, 2012 – we all thank you so much. Your cards, gifts, flowers, food, phone calls and companionship have meant the world to us.

 I’ve put off sending thank you notes for many reasons. One primary excuse is that I am still grieving the loss of my mom, my best friend, and sitting down to write everyone (though I know my mom would have found the strength – she never failed when it came to doing the right thing) just seemed like an impossible task. But the main reason I postponed thank you notes is that I wanted them to be unique and beautiful, just like her. A typical card didn’t feel right – so I waited for mom’s guidance on what to do.

As it turned out, one morning I woke up and it hit me – mom’s own words in her journals can be her gift to all of us. While going through some of mom’s personal belongings, her journals appeared. There were about 8 of them, spanning the last 30 years. I had to immediately laugh because none of them were ever completed, but each one started with “I’m really going to try to stick to writing in this NEW journal every day.” Then after 1/3 of the book was written in, she stopped, only to try again 5 years later.

The following paragraphs are a summary of the life lessons from mom that I pulled out of these journals. It is my hope that this gift to you, from my mom, will touch your life in some positive way.

 Mom’s journals were always optimistic and honest. They weren’t full of hidden, dark secrets nor were they full of anger, complaining or venting at how unfair life could be. They were 100% Holly – loving, thankful, concerned for others, happy, silly and spiritual.

Though I could never sum up everything written in these diaries, after reading every page of every book it didn’t take long to find the theme for this thank you note (including the “Holly” stationery I ordered for this thank you letter, which was such a mom thing to do…taking time to find the “perfect” card or note to send to others). Whether written in 1981 or 2008, even after losing parents, friends, family members and experiencing hardships, she never lost sight of what matters most in life – giving and receiving love.  Any time she suffered a loss she gave thanks for having had that person in her life – not anger that they were gone.

We are all imperfect human beings, and mom openly admitted her faults and weaknesses in this physical world. But she also knew something many of us don’t – that in the big picture, those “little things” don’t matter one bit. Mom didn’t care about technology, learning new tricks, keeping up with the Joneses or the latest “organize your closet” gadget. All that mattered, all she devoted her time on this earth to, was surrounding herself with friends and family – and giving to others. As I mentioned at her funeral, she even donated to just about every cause you can imagine.

Mom also lived each day as if it were her last. Even if she was in bed with the flu, if someone came over unannounced, she would get up and sit at the table and visit with him or her. She could be taking a nice nap on the couch but if the phone rang, she never let voicemail pick it up and would answer it while groggy. She never forgot a birthday or anniversary, sent cards and gifts to celebrate weddings or births and would attend wakes and funerals to support a friend or co-worker. These kind gestures weren’t just for best friends and immediate family – she acknowledged milestones in anyone’s life who she had contact with.

She never hated anyone – even those who treated her unkind. She cringed at the word “hate.” Instead, she would pray for peace, strength and hope that the relationship would heal someday.

Mom was religious but also spiritual – she didn’t just “talk the talk.” Her journals are full of giving thanks for every blessing, life experience, friend and family member.  She was so grateful for everything and everyone. Her journals were “exhausting” to read at times, mentioning going here to celebrate a friend’s anniversary, calling a friend in need when she got home, then having neighbors over “just because.” Every day she connected with someone in some way – that was all that mattered to her.

ON THE BACK SIDE OF THIS LETTER is a direct quote from her journal that I wanted to share, in closing. Again, thank you all for everything and please - keep mom in your hearts, because that is where she wants to be - always.  Love, George, Robin, Jim, Cheyenne and Family  (OVER>>>>>>>>)                                   

Mom’s Journal Entry – January 12, 2000

Mom was giving thanks for witnessing “a new century being born” when she wrote these following words at the end of the entry……

“In closing, what a special event to be able to see. I’m 54 years old as I write this and I thank God for every blessing he has bestowed upon me. For guiding me in the right direction during turmoils, for blessing me with family and friends, for health and for every blessing he gives me each day. We may not be the “Trumps” but I love George and my family the very most, and everything else will fall into place.”

My Mom Loved Being A Grandma

My Mom, My Daughter And Me Are All Only Children
My Mom And My Daughter
My Mom And My Daughter

Feeling Desperate To See Her Again - When Your Mother Dies

My Mom Gave Me A Final Gift And It Helps Me Cope

This article I'm writing is touching on the things so few feel are appropriate to express, or can't be found in books, when mourning the loss of your mother. I celebrate my unconventionality, to be honest, because I have processed my mom's grief on my terms - not by how I'm told to feel, what stages I'm in, what type of thank you cards the funeral home tells me are appropriate...nuh-uh...this is MY grief...I own it and will walk the path my way - no rules here.

To be honest, I found myself disappointed at the funeral home, feeling like someone was selling me a vacuum. I need the "best" this and the "best" that. Really? Until 100 years ago, were funerals meaningless without these things? Don't think so............not a big fan of modern times, if you can't tell. Certain I was born centuries after when I should have been.

So let's touch on the main point so many of us pray for, scream for, cry for - wanting to see her again, hoping for an afterlife (or believing 100% in one), etc. You know it is there, but it is extremely uncomfortable to discuss with anyone. For those who are absolutely confident in their religion, they already can take some comfort in their beliefs, which is beautiful. But what about those who aren't?

This would be a whole other article (and it is quite personal, so I don't intend to write it), but let me say this much. I had a religious upbringing, but again found my own answers that I am comfortable with later in life, never one to follow the herd. Even as a young child, I questioned how one "group" could be right, everyone else wrong - and I didn't like it, it didn't make sense. I don't care for "organized anything", rules or fear as motivator, so it shouldn't be shocking to those who know me.

But I did see "afterlife" as black and white. If I'm not 100% a supporter of modern, organized belief systems, then I must believe in nothing - so I just held on tight to the wonder of nature. But that hurt when I lost my mom. I so desperately wanted to be a young girl in a Lutheran school again...but I just couldn't. I knew my answers were out there, but I just never took the time to study, read and learn. But my mom, I do believe, gave me a final gift - the ability to see the "gray area" even though she was strong in her religious beliefs. Her death forced upon me to take my spiritual connection to nature and continue learning, not procrastinating as I always have when it came to the meaning of life.

I am now like a spirituality student - I have read many books on the universe, quantum physics, near death experience, other people's perceptions on what life is, various beliefs - and, no...I'm sorry to report that I can't give you the answer to life. But I can say that there is a whole world of knowledge to be explored. How can one look at a tree die each winter and live again each spring, see a caterpillar evolve into a butterfly and think that humans aren't part of that magic and beauty?

My belief is that it doesn't matter what religion you are, or if you are of mainstream religion (remember, people lived long before any religions were formed...even before written language developed - how did THEY find peace with loss?) - that we are all beautiful, important, brothers and sisters....and that there is something else out there, whether I believe in a someone or not. That is all I will say on this - but let me tell you, if you feel losing your mom was the end, that you might find comfort in learning how amazing this universe is - that this crazy last century that looks nothing like civilization up to this point is clouding your connection with life. When the earth was quiet, when "stuff" didn't exist, when nature was magical...people were more connected, spiritual and/or whatever term you choose to define it. Things are way too noisy today...find quiet, find your own path - look inward, not outward, as you take this journey.

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Updated: 04/18/2018, frugalrvers
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frugalrvers on 04/23/2013

Thank you Katie - I've stated in the forum we are really busy right now, so quite absent in the internet world for a bit. But I'm still at my mom's house (that void where she is everywhere and nowhere at the same time) and I actually think of you often, even though I'm not doing much on Wizzley right now - and wonder how you are doing, knowing you are walking the same path I am. I do hope you are finding peace during this difficult time. There are many things I want to call mom about/ask her questions - and I'm sure there will be many more. You take care...

katiem2 on 04/23/2013

Your Mother is beautiful, must be where you get it. This is very touching and as you know near and dear to me as well. This and your previous kind support is very helpful as I deal with the loss of my mother. Just yesterday I was asked if I ever had the chicken poks instantly I thought hmm better call Mom to find out only to remind myself she's not here to tell me. :)K

frugalrvers on 10/08/2012

Thank you for your comment, Sheri - I remind myself everyday how lucky I was to have a loving, motherly mother. So many people never get to experience that feeling. Though I miss her every single day, I am grateful to have had 44 years in this physical world with her. The pain without her runs very deep, but I wouldn't have wanted my life any other way.

Sheri_Oz on 10/07/2012

A mother's love is so expected and not always there. Mothers have their own stories and they don't always manage to be motherly. I am happy for those who are lucky enough to have had the mothering that is then missed when mother leaves this world. What a wonderful article you have written here.

frugalrvers on 05/18/2012

Brenda, you honestly made me cry tonight (in a good way). I don't know what else to say but thank you...........

BrendaReeves on 05/18/2012

I am envious of anyone that has such a wonderful mother. You are a beautiful person, and it's easy to see why.

BrendaReeves on 05/18/2012

I just love to hear from people who loved their mother (or father) so much. I truly believe there is nobody on earth that loves you as much as your mother does.
Father's love us too, but it's not the same. You are a beautiful person, and it's obvious where you got it. Everyone could take a lesson from you on the process of grieving. God bless you.

frugalrvers on 05/11/2012

Thank you sheilamarie, for taking time to comment. I really was lucky to have such a special mom - I can only hope to be half the mom she was with my own daughter. Her presence does stay with me, you are right. I even see myself responding differently, more like here, in she is steering me through life. It truly is a miraculous sensation...thanks again!

sheilamarie on 05/11/2012

What a wonderful gift to have had such a close relationship with your mother! Her presence will stay with you. Like Dustytoes, I believe we will be reunited with our loved ones some day.

frugalrvers on 05/10/2012

Thanks Dustytoes,
I do try to practice and appreciate the teachings I found in my mom's journal. I was, indeed, so lucky to have her in my life - and recognize some people aren't as fortunate to find that type of love. I find myself much more often thinking "how would mom handle this?" when turmoil comes my way. She is still teaching me about life every day, even if she is no longer physically here.

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