Cooking Your Own Tongue: A Tongue In Cheek Recipe For Cooking Beef Tongue

Find suitable live bullock or cow, creep up from right side if right handed (left if left), with knife ready. Tickle said beast just below its haunch and wait for laughter to begin. As tongue lolls out, remove with swift upward movement from beneath, as far to the back of the tongue as possible. Run as fast as possible, once tongue has been removed. Best to pick a beast that is closest to the best exit point.
Alternatively, find carcass of said animal and do same. This time there is no need for laughter impulse to kick in, or for you to wear your best Nike trainers (or spikes).
Alternatively purchase a tongue already removed by someone following either of the methods outlined above.
I purchased one, using method 3 just last weekend. It was painless, except that it cost around £6 for a 2 kilo piece (=$10 approx.)

Cooking pot can be one of following:
1. Slow cooker or crockpot (optional ingredients not necessary).
2. Pressure cooker (water and other ingredients can be prepared to taste, and added as necessary).
3. Medium to large pan, according to size of tongue, add water to cover the tongue (optional ingredients may be added but not essential).
4. Barbecue spit roaster (water superfluous, will not stick)
All cooking items can be purchased below.

Cook tongue (at simmer, if cooked with water) for following times:
In a crockpot or slow cooker without water = 5 hours (turning occasionally)
As above but with water and other ingredients = 6 hours (turn once)
In a pressure cooker = 90 minutes (with or without additional ingredients)
In a large pot with water (+/- other ingredients) = 5 to 6 hours
For larger tongues such as Blue Whale and Elephant you may need a larger pot and several months cooking time.

Check tongue occasionally with skewer or cooking thermometer to see if cooked through.
Once tender throughout, remove and leave to cool.
Or, if you want it hot and you can't wait, take slices off, after skin has been removed.

The skin of the tongue can be removed when hot, if you don't mind burning your fingers, but better still when it is cool or cold. It is easier to remove once cold.
Take one sharp knife, to counteract the sharpness of wit that some tongues can exhibit, and cut into the skin at the top of the tongue. Make a slice in the middle of the tongue and draw knife to tip of tongue. Only cut into the skin.
Peel back skin using knife to separate skin from meaty part. If not overcooked, skin should peel off easily. Discard skin. Keep de-skinned tongue.
Picture below.