by katiem2
Firstly, there are people with deep seeded issues who cheat due to an addiction or other varying personality issues.
This article in no way address's such people or the painful and senseless situations arising due to their blatant and habitual cheating.
Today we discuss the otherwise average person in a typical relationship who turns away from their partner and why.
As you read a little common sense tells us this goes both ways and can also be the answer as to why women cheat on men as well.
Have you ever wondered what makes a man cheat. One of the number one reasons any man, or woman for that matter, cheats is rejection. Follow along as we explore the little comments made that scream rejection, how this makes a man feel unappreciated and creates the urge to look else where for affection.
Okay so you’re in a committed relationship but did you know the number one force launching the ship of deceit is the words you speak? The comments you make, with out thinking, build the foundation for a relationship hazard. It’s the stuff you allow to effortlessly flow from your mouth that hurts your partner. To heck you say, well now listen up paying attention to how you ever so innocently and without knowing do what makes a man cheat .
Lets explore the most common reasons as to why anyone cheats on their partner and get to the simple root of the problem finding the solution.
Women are better with the verbal stuff than men. In fact women commonly use words and verbal skills to address anything and everything as it comes up in daily life. Women are talkers, they need to talk about things, get things out there, once this happens women feel better, for them it's over. Men are not talkers, they are problem solvers, they take action. Each time a woman expresses her concerns and issues with a man, he views it as a problem you expect him to correct.
Men don't get the hearing a woman out only part. Listening to her vent is often all a woman needs. The counter is, men find it as a personal criticism, while the woman exercises her verbal needs they begin to mount overwhelming the man making him feel he just can't make it work. His mental to do list grows to overwhelming portions. At some point the man feels you are clearly outlining why he is not good enough for you. The list of concerns gets to big to manage.
What equals rejection to a man is what women consider to be a routine relationship health check up. Women are better at communicating and self evaluation. Women tend to address issues they feel need approaching with good communication in mind. Men feel things are just fine in fact a significant part of who they are. They therefore begin to feel venting is actually personal verbal attacks or criticisms.
Anytime women go about fixing a man they feel rejected on a deep level. They feel the woman they fell in love with in fact does not feel the same about them other wise why the sudden need to change them. Men don't look at change like women do.
Once a man determines your are rejecting him he feels you're sending him a clear message that you are done with him. He feels he's failed and you are giving him one last chance to improve and change to adapt to your expectations or it's over. Most men opt to move on as they don't feel change is fair. In fact a man feels these venting sessions are verbal attacks on him, often a clear message he should leave.
This my friends is where the cheating game begins. The seed of cheat is planted anytime our inner most thoughts and ideas of self are criticized. Those who cheat report they don't feel guilty as they were pushed away and rejected. They also feel the constant venting, what they perceive to be rejection, was a clear message the relationship is over. Men report they feel their partner was also looking around for the right guy.
The rejected person is made to feel unacceptable in the eyes of the other person regardless of their level of commitment.
While your only intent is to improve the depth of the relationship a man does not view it that way.
Knowing someone for a long time doesn't take away the pain of harsh comments, it makes it worse. We all have this deep need to feel unconditional love. We need to feel our partner love us for who and what we are without the need to change.
Don't kid yourself, trust your gut, a player is easy to spot and they make you feel bad. At first they build you up telling you outrageous compliments. You feel that bit of a tingle in your gut as you suspect they are going to extreme. You may first confuse it for an intense attraction to you. But once you notice this is the mans normal tactic of approaching women in general, you know you've been played. Feeling bad is a good indicator to get out of the situation or relationship.
Women are better communicators. So why is it women toss about the most hurtful comments with an matter of fact ease! Do you speak harshly to your husband, boyfriend or life partner? This is very confusing to a man as he is expected to walk gently around your feelings and yet be a durable sounding board for your thoughts. Think about how you talk to your spouse, partner or boyfriend.
Men don't take to the verbal debate like women. Men often choose to shut down and close you off. If they feel you are not being a team player they step out of the game. This is when the relationship takes a u turn. It's important to talk openly. This is fine unless you cross the line saying things to him you couldn't take yourself. It has got to go both ways, allowing the man to express himself honestly as well, if you can dish it out you should be able to take it. Once considering this fact you might reconsider what you say more carefully picking your battles. Plus you need to check in with him making sure he understands you still love him and are happy with him. Remind him you merely need to vent the thoughts in your head, get them off your chest. clearing your head so you can move on and forget about it.
In order to fully understand the different places rejection stems from we must talk about the physical needs of one another.
Men are visual and it is for this reason they imagine more creative images in their minds. A physical relationship is a vital element in any healthy adult relationship. This proves to be one of the biggest driving forces for men by natures simple and undisputed design.
In order to realize how rejection creates the breeding ground for cheating we must understand the opposite sex and what makes them tick.
A sound understanding of your mate will explain furthermore why cheating, infidelity and affairs occur. As mentioned earlier rejection remains to be the subject of interest.
This happens when the woman asks her partner, boy friend or spouse to share his deepest fantasies.
Aw yes all the deep dark secrets. It takes time to build a sense of trust. Once the trust is there it comes head on with the test and much prompting by the woman to confide in her.
A man then shares his fantasies and desires. He spills his guts to you the eager audience. Now, here is where the silent killer of relationship comes into play. If you over react to the fantasies or judge the idea to harshly it deflates the man's trust in you. He feels shot down by the criticism and worse yet betrayed, tricked and on and on the bad feelings build.
Have you done this? Next time take it easy and remember simply talking about such desires and fantasies most often need never go any further than that make believe aspect.
You must walk softly and press your lips together saying nothing until you've given it careful thought. This is a case of if you don't have something good to say, say nothing at all. You do not have to react. Simply tell your man that is really steamy and you will sleep on it and give it more time to sink in. What? maybe this has happened in the past and you dropped the ball.
You don't have to take them on as something you're fully on board with, but you shouldn't put him down after all he just opened up to you, this is a big step in a relationship. Stop; think about this, has this scenario ever played out in your relationship? Have you over reacted to his fantasies?
Did you plead with him on countless occasions only for him to keep his lips sealed and finally the day comes that he opens up giving you what you want.
Finally when he opens his vault of deepest desires and secrets do you react in shock and possibly judgment? Imagine how this must feel.
Remember fantasies are usually a bit outrageous, that’s the point and why their called fantasies.
Men create vivid and more detailed fantasies because they are more visual than women.
Now after taking a huge leap of faith your man is embarrassed to the degree at which you may never know. Not to mention he's just learned you’re not a person he can trust and confide in.
All he wants now is to take his rejected ideas back; he then withdraws and begins to keep things from you. All any good relationship really needs is the unconditional acceptance of one another.
Ask yourself is cheating really cheating if the man has been rejected by you in the areas we've discussed? The combination of critical judgement and rejection of a mans inner most thoughts sends him running. Once a man has been rejected in this manner they feel they cannot recover from it. After all if you feel the need to be critical and reject their private secrets how does this equal a loving relationship?
This guy may not be the guy for you, maybe you should move on looking for your real Mr. Right.
You can eliminate the possibility of cheating in your relationship by watching the verbal interactions plus consider trying a fantasy or two your man has shared with you. Don't forget to add yours to the mix as well. It can be as simple as building a tree house. It does not have to be physical, it can be a childhood dream never realized.
You should never be degraded, hurt or made to feel bad. You can talk about this with him and add your contributions keeping an open mind. What ever you do don’t be judgmental.
Try to say as little as possible and just process.
Sharing his thoughts with you alone is a big step and should be treated with respect.
Treat this as you would a girl friends secret. It hurts when the person you feel gets you suddenly doesn't
Stop talking at him, talk with him! Be mindful of the sensitive nature when you feel the need to talk, vent or get things off your chest. Send a message you’re not rejecting or judging him yet considering his thoughts and feelings.
With this method nobody gets hurt and in his mind you're a hero, one cool lover, for giving his thoughts consideration. Just listening quietly with a simple smile and an occasional nod as you honestly hear him is worth a million acts of kindness.
After time passes and you've had an open dialogue, you may find comfort in a few of his ideas. You may find yourself opening up to a whole new depth in your relationship. Together you may reinvent your relationship finding a new found freedom and joy in a more easy going style. It is then the skies the limit and a new more powerful bond will develop between you.
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What Makes a Man Cheat Chat
Derdriu, You make a very good point. I do feel it vital to identify who may be a strong candidate for cheating in a relationship, a good way to avoid falling prey to such types. We don't know until we are taught and I'd rather good people learn anyway other than the hard way.
katiem2, What can be the outcome if one knows about the cheating, does not get any disclosure from the cheater and opts to improve communications and interactions to save the relationship?
Arlene, I'm with you although some of us are certain as to what we will not tolerate many want desperately to learn how to keep their man and avoid cheating in the future.
Brenda, Great point! Women are often so busy telling men what they should be doing so much so they over look the real fact they are clueless to men and what makes them tick. They already have a mother, not looking for that...
Great article Katie! Men admit that they don't understand women. I would say women don't understand men either. They just don't know it.