Advice for Parents of Infertile Children

_{Image above: greyerbaby at morguefile.com}

There are countless lists of "Things not to say to someone with infertility" out there - for good reason. Parents (and others) may think they are being helpful suggesting things like "Just relax and it'll happen" or "It wouldn’t hurt you to lose a few pounds if you want to get pregnant", but there are many reasons why these "suggestions" are more hurtful and tiresome than not.

Platitudes like "Everything happens for a reason" just make someone coping with infertility more despondent (what reason could there be? I'm not good enough to be a mother?) "Why don't you adopt? A lot of people get pregnant as soon as they adopt a child" is simply a fallacy and a way to devalue an adopted child (who would want to be adopted just so that his parents could have a "real" child?)

If you see and want to share with your child an actual medical article or news item on some new "breakthrough" in fertility treatments, that's one thing. But trust me - any person dealing with infertility has already looked into diet changes, vitamin supplements, alternative therapies, and old wives tales already. That's not the kind of help we need (because we've probably let our desperation lead us down a few foolish roads already.)

I'd encourage you to read a few of the articles and blog posts linked below that go through many more things "not to say" to understand why they can be more painful than helpful to your child struggling with infertility.

* Infertility: 16 Things You Should Never Say To A Woman Who Is Childless But Not By Choice

* 12 Things Not to Say to Someone with Infertility

* The Worst Things to Say to Someone Trying To Conceive

* 10 things not to say to your infertile friend

_{Image credit:  johnlindsay at morguefile.com}

Maybe you've never really been thrilled with your child's partner-of-choice. Whatever you do, don't use their fertility struggles as a way to try to justify your dislike of that partner or to instigate further conflict between you. Don't harp on your daughter by saying things like "If only you'd married a younger man, you would've gotten pregnant in no time!" or your son by saying "She must have had multiple abortions or a terrible STD in the past she never told you about!"

Keep in mind that statistics indicate that for couples facing fertility, in 1/3 of cases it may be due to the woman, 1/3 of cases due to the man, and in the remaining 1/3 it may be a combination of factors for both (or completely "unexplained" infertility). If your child loves his or her partner, that should be the most important thing: supporting them both during their fertility struggles, not trying to drive a wedge between them with your disapproval and deciding who must be "at fault".

Your child may come to you to talk about her plans to pursue fertility treatments, adoption, or deciding to come to terms with a childless future. Ask how you can help her with those plans - but please don't criticize her for not making the same choice you would.

If she has decided fertility treatments would be too stressful, expensive, and not have high enough chances for success, leave it be. Don't push her to have invasive procedures that could put her own finances under terrible stress. If she has decided to adopt, let her know you will love and accept her adopted child as much as if that child was genetically related to you. If a fertility treatment has failed, do not blame your daughter for the failure or push her to undergo more if she's decided enough is enough; understand that most procedures are not guarantees for success and there are many factors beyond her control when it comes to IVF or other treatments.

A parent guilt-tripping a child into doing "everything possible" to have a baby can be a terribly stressful thing, and make it that much harder for an individual to come to terms with his or her own infertility. Make sure your child knows you love her no matter what family-building choice she makes.

_{Image credit:  leslieaugust at MorgueFile.com}

I don't know how many times I've heard these stories from other infertile people I've talked to (perhaps I'm lucky being an only child...?). They often feel as though they are not "valued" as much in their greater family, particularly by their parents, if their siblings already all have children but they don't. They feel as though their parents spend far more time around and with their siblings and their families - often so they can fuss over the grandkids. Holiday gatherings are always scheduled when and where are most convenient for those with children (think of where and how your family plans Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, even birthdays). Greater gifts are lavished on those with kids than the childless son or daughter. It can lead an infertile child to feel as though their parents don't love them as much as they do their brothers and sisters who managed to "give mom a grandkid" or "carry on the family name."

So think about the time you spend with your child struggling with infertility:

• Can you make sure that at least one major holiday or family gathering during the year is held at her home, if she desires?
• Can you be sure to call her on the phone more regularly - and not make every discussion about her brother or sister's children and their lives as parents?
• Can you offer to help financially with the high costs of fertility treatments or private adoption, if you are helping your other kids with their childrens' college funds or other expenses?
• Can you be sure to attend important events in her life (a gallery showing, an award dinner at work) just like you would your grandchildrens' dance recitals or sports games?
• Can you just make sure she doesn't feel left out as an important member of your family, just because she is without children?

_{Image credit: Darnok at MorgueFile.com}

A last word of advice is in how you deal with discussing your child's infertility with others. Be sure you've discussed with him or her how open they are about their condition. Some people with infertility consider it a very private matter not to be discussed publicly or openly - that is their choice and you should absolutely honor it. Don't talk about it with your child's siblings behind her back; don't gossip about it to friends or extended family members just because you want to "bend an ear" about your own disappointments with her condition. This advice also applies to how you discuss the matter with your child directly: if she doesn't want to talk about it (whether sharing every graphic detail of a fertility procedure or be asked if there's "any new news" to be shared), don't press it. Let her come to you for advice or an understanding ear when she feels like it.

That said, others are very open about their infertility because they feel raising awareness is important in a society that has for centuries treated being "barren" as a shameful, terrible condition. If your child is open about her infertility, don't try to silence her from talking about it at family gatherings or elsewhere. Support him and share his stories if he has a blog about infertility, is looking for donations for an infertility walk or donation drive. Take part in National Infertility Awareness Week alongside of your child and be proud that she has chosen to be a leader and an advocate for others in this fight.

_{Image credit: GaborfromHungary at MorgueFile.com}