Infertility Support for Those Not Pursuing Family Building Options

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Yet for many infertile couples or individuals, pursuing active medical treatment for their fertility, or family building through adoption, is not the path they choose--nor one they can even realistically consider. They might not have the financial means to undergo expensive medical procedures which aren't covered by insurance and only have limited success rates. For instance, a typical IVF procedure can cost between $8,000 - $15,000, and for women over 40 the successful live birth rate is only 6 to 10% (Source: American Pregnancy Association). They might also have religious or moral objections to certain types of Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART).

Some couples may choose not to put their relationship through the emotional strain of regulating their sexual--and other--activities around invasive medical treatments and ovulation cycles. Adoption can also be a long, expensive and invasive process, with no guaranty of successful placement despite the many children currently in need of loving homes and families. In addition, both partners in a couple may not be on the "same page" about wanting to actively pursue treatment or adoption if natural conception isn't working.

These concerns are all valid and real, and issues which an infertile individual or couple may wish to find support for within a community of peers. Yet instead, these individuals are often ignored by the very organizations and people supposedly there to support them on their infertility journey. They are made to feel--or even outright told--that they just "don't want a baby enough" if they aren't doing everything within their means, and then going far beyond those means, in order to possibly give birth to a child.

On RESOLVE's 2012 official member survey, they did not even have an option for individuals who couldn't afford or weren't even sure they wanted to pursue alternative family building options or medical treatments, until several people (including myself) complained about this omission on the RESOLVE Facebook page. Those of us in this situation are often dismissed as having "chosen" to live "childfree". In reality, we may be struggling to come to terms with the likelihood of a childless future and need support from the infertility community as much as anyone else.

In fact I was so frustrated that year by the lack of acknowledgement for people in my situation that I wrote a blog post for that years NIAW "Don't Ignore Me" theme: Don't Ignore Me: My Message to the Infertility Community

Deciding against spending every dollar in one's bank account and not pursuing every medical treatment known to mankind does not mean infertility is any less devastating or traumatic to a person. I hope to see the day when the infertility community can come to realize that, and accept us all as equal members in this painful sorority.

As I personally moved on from feeling "childless" and started to embrace my life without kids, I tried spending some time in various "childfree" communities and forums online. I wanted to be in a place where I could look positively on things I could do in and with my life more easily than if I had been a parent. I wanted to share and understand with those who saw being without children as a positive in their life and not a negative - and who also shared in the experience of society sometimes treating them in a discriminatory way for not being parents. 

And while to an extent that was good, I eventually found it incredibly difficult to be in such communities as someone who understood what infertility felt like and had ever wanted a child at some point in my life. There was so much hate and criticism in these forums directed at infertile people who didn't "just adopt" — because that is, apparently, the only "acceptable" way to become a parent to some of these individuals. Any infertile person who pursued treatment, especially more extreme and expensive forms of it, was simply selfish and sometimes declared "crazy". There was little if any sympathy for those who find things like baby showers or pregnancy photos hard to deal with because of infertility. The mindset of the childfree-for-life individual seems so different from someone who once wanted a child and couldn't have one, and then became (mostly) okay with that, that it seems hard to find any common ground, at least on-line. In day to day interactions, I've found my "real life" childfree friends are much more sympathetic, understanding, and ready to share in our similar experiences and attitudes toward life.

It has been a number of years since I first struggled with coming to terms with infertility and what it meant for my future life. These days I generally feel very happy with my life and how it ended up. Especially in our uncertain world today, and with the difficult struggles I see many parents facing, I truthfully am glad I am not trying to navigate those issues myself—particular as a woman in her forties who can't imagine what it would be like to have to rearrange everything to fit in a baby or young child now! There are many other ways I seek fulfillment and leaving a lasting, positive legacy on the world, including my writing and my art.

But I do still feel for those who might be like I was, searching for a supportive community out there online where her choices won't be judged or dismissed out of hand. I still hope that that situation will change, that more will realize that it isn't always so easy to put one in a box of "childless" or "childfree", parent vs. non-parent, and that we can all try to learn from each other by listening instead of lecturing.