Why "Do you have kids?" can be an awkward question to ask (and answer)

_{Image credit: ecerroni on morguefile.com}

I qualify that as being a question that parents will ask, because rarely is it how a person who doesn't have children will feel the need to strike up a conversation. And sometimes it's the question those of us who are childless/childfree least enjoy hearing. Why? Because answering with a simple "No" can then lead to an awkward, uncomfortable silence as the parent struggles to find anything else to talk about. Or it can lead to the even more uncomfortable, intrusive question of "Why not?" or inanities like "Oh, well, you've got plenty of time yet" - which might be completely untrue, or makes the assumption that the childless person actually wants children in the first place.

It can get even worse if you are childless for reasons not of your choosing—say because of infertility. You may try to shut the conversation down by admitting you have fertility problems and wish you did have kids, but it doesn't seem to be working out for you. While you'd think such an admission would get a stranger to realize this isn't something you want to talk about, often it just seems to end up leading to lots of unsolicited advice and suggestions. Someone who was a complete stranger just moments before now may feel perfectly in their right to make personal, intimate suggestions like, "Well there's always IVF! That worked this woman I know at work" or "Maybe you just need to relax and stop thinking about it."

I love this animated video which satirizes this kind of aggravating conversation perfectly:

Maybe this person without children desperately wants them and could have them, but they're in a relationship with someone who doesn't want kids. They could be stuck in a place of having to choose between the person they love and the possibility (though not certainty) of being a parent with someone else. That's a very real struggle many people face but rarely talk about.

I'm not saying you should never ask if a person has kids when striking up conversations. Just consider that you should not assume the answer will be "yes" just because a woman appears to be of a certain age. And if she answers "no", then it's perhaps best to move the conversation on to other matters instead of probing with personal questions that really aren't any of your business. (Because it might be a sensitive topic for other reasons as well as infertility; what if that person had actually recently lost a child? Or has a strained or difficult relationship with their children?)

Imagine if someone you'd just met asked you "Do you have any kids?", and when you answered "Yes", the next question they asked you was "Why?"

Would you feel comfortable explaining and justifying your decision to procreate? What if they decided to probe you on whether you were marred and still with the other parent of the child, or if your child was biological or adopted, or if you'd considered being childfree before committing your life to parenthood? Would those questions make you uneasy, upset, or angry?

Then don't think that someone who answers "No" to the kid's question should have to be interrogated for their reasons, either.

_{Image credit: ecerroni at morguefile.com}

Also consider that most people with kids typically volunteer up that information pretty quickly in a conversation without being asked - it's just natural for it to happen, whether by asking you "Is that the new iPad you're using? My son wants one for his birthday," or "I'm sorry I'm late to the party, I had to wait for the babysitter to arrive." 

Need some ideas on other ways to start a conversation, or maybe change tracks if the "no" to the kids question throws you off track? Perhaps this great little guide would be of use: "How to Start a Conversation When You Have Nothing to Talk About". Notice how the kids question isn't even on the list once of suggested conversation-starters.