Deciding Whether or Not to Forgive

Research has shown that forgiveness is good for your health. Stress and blood pressure are lower, you are probably less depressed and have more zest for life. That is good.

However, sometimes forgiveness is given too easily: You are not sure the person apologizing really means it.  You are afraid they will repeat their hurtful behaviors. You're not sure he or she really understood what bothered you about the behavior and so the apology feels empty. In such a case, forgiveness is not real and the benefits of sincere apology and true forgiveness are not achieved.

Therefore, it is important to make sure the apology is sincere and is based upon an understanding of what was hurtful in the person's words or actions.

There are 4 parts to an apology that shows that the person understands what went wrong and is clearly interested in correcting the situation to your satisfaction (and not only to get himself or herself off the hook). These are:

1. Giving a full explanation for what was done or said that was hurtful.
2. Expressing remorse - the understanding-based "I am sorry".
3. Promising not to repeat the behavior.
4. Offering some kind of compensation for the damage caused.

If any of these components are missing, it is not a true apology. There may be the confession of wrong-doing without promising not to repeat it or not offering some kind of compensation. There may be the promise not to repeat the behavior but no indication that the person is sorry for what they did.

What is most irritating is when the person who hurt you tells you that you shouldn't feel the way you did because, after all, "It wasn't really that serious".

If you want to read what the apologizer should know about the apology, read this article.

If the apology is sincere, you will feel that the person who hurt you really understands your experience of his or her behavior. It does not necessarily mean that there is total agreement with you about all aspects of the situation, but you get the sense that what was hurtful to you has been understood.

You may think that he or she should already have known not to do or say such things. You may think that you said so in the past or strongly hinted at it. But you many not have been as clear as you though you were. If interpersonal communications were so easy, this world would certainly be a far different place than it is today.

It may even take some time before your perspective is understood by the person who hurt you. If the relationship is important to you, be prepared to state and restate and restate again, in different words each time, exactly what you mean. Have the other person repeat back to you in his or her own words what you said until you are satisfied that he or she gets it. Only then can you move on to the next step.

Here is where "I am sorry" is appropriate. "I am sorry I hurt you."  "I am sorry I said those things in public."  "I am sorry I didn't tell you I was going to meet with him."  "I'm sorry I missed your performance."  And so on.

Now is where you will be told that it will never happen again. You want to believe him or her. But we are all human and it is possible that it will happen again. This is where a gentle reminder is called for. "Do you remember we talked about . . .? Do you remember how hurt I was?" 

If the target behavior continues, it is possible that you two have not carried out the last stage of the apology process: making amends. Let's look at that now.

What would help you heal from the hurt? Only you can tell what would make you feel that the process is complete. Give yourself time to think about what you need from the one who hurt you that would help you close the circle and move on. Perhaps you need him to tell all his friends that he's an idiot and behaved badly when you were all together that evening. Perhaps you need her to tell you every time she has a business meeting when her ex-boyfriend is also expected to attend. Perhaps you need your boss to change a small aspect of office policy that workers find offensive.

This process of making amends reduces the chances that the same hurtful behavior will happen again. Of course, life brings plenty of opportunities for new mistakes to happen.

In fact, it would be a good idea to develop the attitude that each instance of hurtful behavior creates a new opportunity to get to know each other better and to make the relationship more satisfying.

What if you were hurt because the other person was not aware of the sensitive nature of some particular issue for you. What if you were giving mixed messages to the other person and in his or her confusion made the wrong choice?

After having gone through the process above, ask the person who hurt you if there was some way you could have been clearer that may have prevented the incident in the first place. If there is, then the other person will feel respected and heard as well. Even if there was not, the question is a good trigger for continued open communication.

You are not obliged to forgive even the person who made a confession and sincere apology. Perhaps the behavior is, for you, a relationship ender and you have no desire to reconsider. That is your right. Perhaps you don't see how you could possibly trust the person again and you need a long time to cool down. That is also your right.

But here is another mistaken belief - forgiving the other person does not necessarily mean that you want to continue to be in a relationship with him or her.

Therefore, there are three processes that are related but distinct: the apology / forgiveness / continuing or discontinuing the relationship in any form. Perhaps by keeping these separate in your own mind will make it easier for you to forgive the other person - for the sake of your own health, not theirs - and then decide what to do about the relationship.

• Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness

Benefits of forgiveness and how to overcome grudges and live a more vital life.

• Research on the Science of Forgiveness: An Annotated Bibliography

An interesting article summarizing some psychology research studies on the meaning of forgiveness and what is involved in forgiving someone.