Life's Trials and Tribulations

My mother had a stroke two days ago. It was a mini stroke, but there is something seriously wrong with her heart. The hospital just called me to say that she became really confused during the night, and they want to do an MRI. It sounds like maybe another stroke. She's 89 years old and has been saying for some time that she's ready to go. She has no fear of death at all.

Although I realize this is the natural progression of life, I was feeling down yesterday, thinking of how there will be a void in my life when she's gone. I'm dealing with this alone, since my brother lives in Washington, and I have no other relatives living here.

Now that I've thoroughly depressed everyone. Have a nice day writing. lol It's my sense of humor that gets me through the bumps in the road.

I'm so sorry to hear your news, Brenda. I've been through it myself. My family is so spread out that we only get together every 6 or 7 years. That's why I moved to Texas to be close to my dad, at least.

Thinking of you,

Lana

You and your mom will be in my thoughts.  {{hugs}}

My most positive thoughts are with you and your Mom.  

Brenda,

As you probably know, I lost my mom completely unexpectedly (she was only 66) this past January (I did some Wizzley posts about it)...and I'm an only child.

Everything you are feeling is completely natural. That "void" is, indeed, the hardest part.

There is peace in knowing a loved one doesn't fear death (my mom didn't either - and even at 43, I don't fear it as well) but that doesn't help us much, does it? For me, I just hated being left behind...to deal with that void.

I know your mom is still with you now...Because mine is gone, I write to my mom in a journal because we were pals and talked all the time. I also really feel connected to her each day, picturing what she would do or say (I even visualized her last week when we took our dog for a walk on a country road...I truly "saw" what she would wear, what she would point out on our walk).

What made the difference for me is that I became a "life" student after she died. She turned on a switch in me that helped me tune out all of the other noise and reconnect to nature, my spiritual side, mindfulness, the universe...whatever you want to call it. I am forever changed, but I've filled the void with this almost eerie calm that I never had in me before she passed away.

One of my favorite books right now is The Tunnel and The Light by Kubler Ross (based on her presentations). However, after mom died, I immediately purchased about 20 books on various topics about life, the universe, near death experience...even quantum physics. I'm not searching for an "answer" to fill the void, I'm enjoying using that part of me that has been buried a long time - opening my mind to amazing possibilities that I never took time to think about before...I was too bogged down with such important matters like "keyword research" and "downed servers"  :)   Doesn't bother me a bit anymore...

Guess I'm trying to say that the void is much more filled up and doesn't ache so much, because I'm allowing my mom's death to change me and enlighten me, instead of fighting against it and being angry, sad, devastated that she is gone. I now make time to just be, reflect and connect with what I perceive is most important (peace, reflection and love).

Geez I talked a lot...hope some sense could be made of this...I can't put my feelings into words very well with this topic.

Sending you a hug, Brenda.

Thinking of you at this difficult time. Hoping you have support for yourself.

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mother's stroke Brenda. My thoughts are with you.

Thank you everyone. The encouraging words and prayers help. I'm feeling better today.

I went to see her this morning, and when I walked in the room, she shook her finger at me and said, "I want to know what you did with my dog! Did you kill JoJo?" I assured her that JoJo was fine.

I secretly found that amuseing. She wants me to bring her a picture of the dog. So much for the daughter. lol

I've got to check if she has a health care directive on file at the hospital. If she should have a heart attack, I don't want them reviving her.

Thanks again everybody. It really helps since I'm going through this alone.

I'm sorry to hear this Brenda, and I'm sending you a big hug too. <3

Sorry to hear about your mom Brenda.  It is good if we can find a way to laugh at the stuff that is really not funny - such as her thinking you killed the dog.   I don't think that is nuts, just a good way to cope.

My prayers are for strength for you as you deal with this (seemingly) alone.  I know all about that.  I think you will find that you are stronger than you ever realized.

Brenda, consider this:

your mum (mom) is one of the lucky ones. She has someone who is close, and loving, at the time when it is needed. Many folks have no family close by (or at all) when their final days are upon them. They have nobody to know if they have a stroke, heart attack, or at deaths door.

Your mom is at peace within her about death because she knows that she is loved and that you will be there when the time comes.

Those that live alone in old age without someone looking out for them may not fear death. What they are concerned about is dying and not being found immediately. They fear the ignominy of death alone. 

I hope your mum comes through this and that you have further time together. If not, be assured that she knows she will be missed. 

Wow Humagaia!  You are so right!!  Your post made me both happy for Brenda and her mother and sad for the people around us who have nobody.

Thank you humagaia. I moved from California to Kentucky seven years ago to care for my aunt and mother. My aunt has passed on. You are so right about people having no one in their old age.

My aunt was in and out of a nursing home. Something I learned from that experience is that nursing homes aren't that bad if you have an advocate watching out for you. My aunt fell and fractured a vertebrae and was in terrible pain. The nursing staff said she was faking. I had to become very demanding to get them to transfer her to the emergency hospital.

The same goes if you have a loved one in the hospital. The stories I could tell you.

All of you with children, tell them to watch you closely if you end up in a nursing home or hospital.

Brenda, My thoughts are with you and your mom at this difficult time.  I lost my mother a year ago (June 17) and I have been trying to cope with the loss.  I have family nearby which helps, but somehow we all have to work out that void alone.  I remember the good things about my mom and try to keep her in my heart when times are tough.  I am sending you a hug and keeping you in my prayers because just knowing that you aren't alone will often make the difference--and judging from this thread, I would say you are definately not alone.  Stay strong and stay healthy during this stressful time.

BrendaReeves: 13. Jun 2012, 08:24

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... She's 89 years old and has been saying for some time that she's ready to go. She has no fear of death at all.

Although I realize this is the natural progression of life, I was feeling down yesterday, thinking of how there will be a void in my life when she's gone. ...

It might sound harsh and unkind, but perhaps the only thing your mother is waiting for is You allowing her to go onwards. My thoughts and prayers are with you, hugs from the other site of the big pond, SY

Brenda, Where are you in Kentucky?  I'm in Ohio darn close... 

Thank you all again for the comments. Here's an update:

The neurologist said my mother had a seizure not a stroke. She just came home today. I tried to place her in a nursing home and here's why: Everytime I went to visit her in the hospital, she told me about all of these men coming up from the street and having sex in the hallway with each other. She said she hid behind the door and watched them and stated that she now knows how men do it with each other. (I'll spare you her description) Then her Dr. was having sex in the hallway with some woman. There are more wild stories, but you get the idea. My brother and I are getting a big laugh out of this. I'm sorry, but life will kill you if you can't see the humor in it.

Anyway, she tells me not to tell anyone about this. When the hospital staff came in, she talked completely normal to them. She could tell them what month it is and who the President is. Last night the neurologist came in and she told him.

She told the hospital social worker she didn't want to go to "rehab" i.e. the nursing home. Therefore, they couldn't force her to go since she doesn't show any signs of dementia. Yikes!

Since we've gotten home, she keeps telling me to get the bell so she can ring it when she needs me. I tell her we don't have a bell. She says yes we do. It's the bell at the front steps at her childhood home.

She's going to see another neurologist, and I'm sure I'll get her placed. It will be the hardest thing I've ever done. I went through this with my aunt who would call me up and cry to bring her home. I'm just not cut out for this.

I'm in Louisville Katie.

Is she under any kind of morphine or morphine related painkiller? My mother, when suffering from cancer, had similar hallucinations which were tracked back to the kind of painkiller she received ... 

Oh, and get her a bell, any bell, to call you when she feels the need for it, it might give her a feeling of security ...

My thoughts, prayers and hugs are with you, your mother and your family as you go through this difficult time.

Another tip from experience, if she stays with you, a baby walky-talky (wireless baby surveillance, not sure about the correct term) might help both of you by giving you a bit of privacy (being able to sleep in a different room) and also you the security to be able to 'hear' her when she needs you, SY

Thanks for the suggestions Sam. A walkie talkie is a good idea. I was also thinking of a baby monitor. She's not on any medication that would cause this.  I'll get her a bell if that'll make her happy.

She is on seizure medication. The nero said it can make some people go crazy. I told him how she is acting. He said that can happen after the age of 85. She's 89.

I can't leave her alone anymore, but I know of someone that I can pay to come in and stay with her when I want to go out.

She loves her two little dogs. She's happy to stay in her bed with her dogs and watch TV. I'll try to keep her at home as long as I can.