Lost My Mom One Year Ago Today

I can't believe it was a year ago today when I wrote this thread in the Wizzley forum about my mom passing away suddenly at only 66 years of age. If you look at it, you will see that I was so new here, yet felt drawn to coming to this forum to post about it to near strangers. Scroll through that thread and you will know why - this place is full of positive energy, inspiring people...it felt like home, even though I'd just moved into the neighborhood, so to speak. All of these caring people sending love and they didn't even know me.

I'll never forget the day, of course. It was one of my better days before I got the phone call no one ever wants to get. We were packing up to perform a gig in central Illinois later that night. I had finally got inspired to do a Wizzley on my favorite topic in the world, Chris Mc Candless (Into The Wild). Everything was looking up and I was anxious to hit the road to perform with Jim that night.

I wouldn't finish that Wizzley for quite a long time. Whenever I thought about the topic and saw my words on the page, I knew they were written at a time before my world turned upside down. I would never be that girl again...the one whose words now stared at me. But over time, I got the courage up to complete it...baby steps, baby steps.

I know many people here have endured the pain of loss. On the one year anniversary of her death I can say my mom would be proud of who I've become. There isn't a day I don't get the lump in my throat or shed some tears, but I've grown so much because I refused to fight "life" - I couldn't disappear into victim mode but, rather, decided to grow as a person and find meaning in such pain/loss. I can say with certainty Kubler Ross is my best friend...I think I now own about every book!

So I want to thank all of you for being part of my family. On this anniversary of sorts I want to share with you some private things I've only shared with immediate family, as a gift back to you. I have nothing to sell, I don't subscribe or belong to a certain belief system, etc. This is just my experience and you can do with it what you will...but it is my hope that it has some meaning to you.

I'm not religious, but I am spiritual. I think this great big universe means something including every living creature on it. Not because I want to feel important and I absolutely don't fear death or need "purpose"...it was simply because as soon as I quieted my mind and opened my senses, I could finally see how amazing this universe is. Many encounters with animal totems (visits right to my rv door) that in the past I would have selfishly labeled nothing but "cute" now were paid attention to.

I was too busy to explore all of this this when mom was alive...never took the time, never quieted my mind. Let this currently loud world drown out and muddy my head. So I think my mom's last physical gift to me was, in her absence, pushing me into exploring what I've known in my heart all along...that life is a school. I've been my own spiritual student for 365 days now and I will remain so until I take my own last breath. In the hardest year of my life, I've never felt more alive and aware.

I've had amazing things happen to me since my mom passed away. Far too many to list here, but I'll share a couple. One example was this past July - my mom talking to me plain as day in her kitchen, in a dream, telling me my daughter was hurt. I couldn't shake the dream all day and couldn't sleep all night, nervous about my daughter's well being as she was at a friend's house. I awoke to the phone at 5am with my daughter in crisis. A few hours later I was taking my daughter to the hospital. I also have been remembering dreams whereas I never did in the past. One morning I woke up and said "Jim, get a pen and paper!" My mom's voice kept saying "this is your world, this is how it feels, this is your choice to make" as images, some of family and friends, flashed by a window pane I was looking through via my dream. I've also gained intuition and perception, frequently sensing/knowing something is coming or happening before it does.

But the most amazing thing is how I feel inside. When I truly relax, close my eyes...I see much more than black or the inside of my eyelids. When I really listen, I hear every beautiful chirp of a bird buried beneath the urban noises of cars, etc. In sum, I feel like I woke up from decades of fog...so that was, and will always be in my mind, my mom's final gift. I think people, before the chaos of modernization and noise today, were more spiritual because they were quiet and connected. I used to cry at the beauty of the mountains as a little girl...I think it has always been in me, my mom just gave me a little nudge as she was exiting this physical world. How I feel isn't going to be found in a church or in a science book...it is 100% inside every cell in me.

So today I'm not going to wave my fists in the air, bury myself under the covers or talk about the pain or unfairness of life. I'm simply using today to say thanks to all of you for being such good friends...and thank you mom for always knowing what I needed more than I knew myself.

Beautiful! <3

My mom died at 62. But she had been sick for a long time with cancer. Still, way too young. Now that I'm older than that, I really know how young it was.

Thank-you so much for this. I have tears in my eyes - touched by the luck you have in having had the mother you did and how she stays with you today, in awe of how you have grown and reconnected with your inner self through this past year and taking in your life lesson. I like how you say that life is a school.

I agree that this is a wonderful supportive community, even though I have mainly been passive here, I am greatly affected by everyone here.

Thanks again for sharing your experiences, feelings and thoughts with us.

I'm so glad you can see some good that has come about in your life over the past year.  I do believe that sometimes very drastic changes can affect us so much that they push us into another place - I think of it as a new "plain" of life.  I too have left my old ways of thinking behind and become someone else because of tragedy.  Not exactly like you, but I know it's similar.  Anyway, I know what you are saying. 

Thanks for sharing Robin.

Thank you, Robin. When you told us your mother had died and how devastated you were about it, it struck me as interesting that an adult child could be so upset over the loss of a parent. My mother was very crazy and abusive, so I can't imagine mourning her death like that. Since then, I've come to realize that many adults feel the same way as you do when a parent dies. I felt so loved by my children when they were little. Now they have their own lives, and I wonder sometimes if they ever think of me at all. I don't relish the thought of them being devastated after I die, but I hope that I am remembered, and that I did matter to them in their lives.

The way you're doing it all, your work, growing more aware of life around you, staying connected to your mother, grieving . . . is a lot to ask of a person. And yet you found a way to do it. And your mother a way to communicate with you.

My mind is too cluttered at the moment for me to know when my dreams are coming out of my fears or when they're something else, something to pay attention to because you know it will happen. For you to cleanse your system down (or up) to the level of dreams . . . that's huge. And I imagine part of why your mother is able to find you is because you, too, are working constantly to better connect to her.

I hope none of you will take offense to a "thank you...all of you" post. I've read each and every word and so appreciate everyone's unique input, beautiful sentiments and views.

We each have our own path to walk...there is no time clock ticking and I don't think we ever reach an end point or "aha" moment...what would be left?

I like to think that a year ago, I took off the flip flops and got an awesome pair of hiking boots to keep traveling down my life's road...so glad one of those turns I took got me to this forum and meeting all of you!

frugalrvers: 01/27/2013 - 03:58 PM

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...so glad one of those turns I took got me to this forum and meeting all of you!

Ditto! 

Double ditto!

Triple ditto!  

Thank you for sharing your story, Robin. You bring so much substance and love to our community; so much value that can't be measured by traffic and sales, yet it is so much more important than commercial success.

We love you.   

I was just going to shut down things for the night and popped back into the forum.

Wow.

Honestly, I love you all, too, and can't begin to explain how much your words touched me tonight as well as 365 nights ago...and everything in between.

For being a jabberjaw by nature, I am truly at a loss for words tonight...probably due to the gigantic lump in my throat from reading your comments.

I wish you all peace and happiness tonight. Hug the one you love, whether your puppy, friend, child or spouse and be grateful for every day. Will see you all here tomorrow....

And, of course...goodnight Mom...

Sorry, I'm a little late here.  I too recall that original post and I can't believe that it's been a year.   I could hug you as hard now, as I wanted to do then.

Your attitude is very inspiring.   Thank you too for being here and being such a positive force on our forum.  And I'm sorry again for your loss.

Thanks ryank,

I missed your comment somehow...so sorry!

You are right, the years keep going by faster and faster the older I get, at least in my experience. You look back at your childhood, when 16 years felt like an eternity...then in the blink of an eye, another 16 pass...and so on. I'll be 45 this year...can't believe it! Where did the time go?

Loss can happen at any age, but it does get really difficult as you get older. My mom was one of those people who had so many friends...it was crazy - even ones from grade school. Her Christmas card list was about the size of a big wedding list each year. She was always on the phone, always had to attend weddings, baby showers, parties, etc...but when she got to be about my age (45) she started losing so many, and it was really hard on her. It wasn't just older relatives, it was people in their 50s and 60s that she'd worked with all of her life, etc.

I'm not afraid of my own mortality, but I just can't handle goodbyes. That's the only bummer about this "time" thing, to me.