I can't believe it was a year ago today when I wrote this thread in the Wizzley forum about my mom passing away suddenly at only 66 years of age. If you look at it, you will see that I was so new here, yet felt drawn to coming to this forum to post about it to near strangers. Scroll through that thread and you will know why - this place is full of positive energy, inspiring people...it felt like home, even though I'd just moved into the neighborhood, so to speak. All of these caring people sending love and they didn't even know me.
I'll never forget the day, of course. It was one of my better days before I got the phone call no one ever wants to get. We were packing up to perform a gig in central Illinois later that night. I had finally got inspired to do a Wizzley on my favorite topic in the world, Chris Mc Candless (Into The Wild). Everything was looking up and I was anxious to hit the road to perform with Jim that night.
I wouldn't finish that Wizzley for quite a long time. Whenever I thought about the topic and saw my words on the page, I knew they were written at a time before my world turned upside down. I would never be that girl again...the one whose words now stared at me. But over time, I got the courage up to complete it...baby steps, baby steps.
I know many people here have endured the pain of loss. On the one year anniversary of her death I can say my mom would be proud of who I've become. There isn't a day I don't get the lump in my throat or shed some tears, but I've grown so much because I refused to fight "life" - I couldn't disappear into victim mode but, rather, decided to grow as a person and find meaning in such pain/loss. I can say with certainty Kubler Ross is my best friend...I think I now own about every book!
So I want to thank all of you for being part of my family. On this anniversary of sorts I want to share with you some private things I've only shared with immediate family, as a gift back to you. I have nothing to sell, I don't subscribe or belong to a certain belief system, etc. This is just my experience and you can do with it what you will...but it is my hope that it has some meaning to you.
I'm not religious, but I am spiritual. I think this great big universe means something including every living creature on it. Not because I want to feel important and I absolutely don't fear death or need "purpose"...it was simply because as soon as I quieted my mind and opened my senses, I could finally see how amazing this universe is. Many encounters with animal totems (visits right to my rv door) that in the past I would have selfishly labeled nothing but "cute" now were paid attention to.
I was too busy to explore all of this this when mom was alive...never took the time, never quieted my mind. Let this currently loud world drown out and muddy my head. So I think my mom's last physical gift to me was, in her absence, pushing me into exploring what I've known in my heart all along...that life is a school. I've been my own spiritual student for 365 days now and I will remain so until I take my own last breath. In the hardest year of my life, I've never felt more alive and aware.
I've had amazing things happen to me since my mom passed away. Far too many to list here, but I'll share a couple. One example was this past July - my mom talking to me plain as day in her kitchen, in a dream, telling me my daughter was hurt. I couldn't shake the dream all day and couldn't sleep all night, nervous about my daughter's well being as she was at a friend's house. I awoke to the phone at 5am with my daughter in crisis. A few hours later I was taking my daughter to the hospital. I also have been remembering dreams whereas I never did in the past. One morning I woke up and said "Jim, get a pen and paper!" My mom's voice kept saying "this is your world, this is how it feels, this is your choice to make" as images, some of family and friends, flashed by a window pane I was looking through via my dream. I've also gained intuition and perception, frequently sensing/knowing something is coming or happening before it does.
But the most amazing thing is how I feel inside. When I truly relax, close my eyes...I see much more than black or the inside of my eyelids. When I really listen, I hear every beautiful chirp of a bird buried beneath the urban noises of cars, etc. In sum, I feel like I woke up from decades of fog...so that was, and will always be in my mind, my mom's final gift. I think people, before the chaos of modernization and noise today, were more spiritual because they were quiet and connected. I used to cry at the beauty of the mountains as a little girl...I think it has always been in me, my mom just gave me a little nudge as she was exiting this physical world. How I feel isn't going to be found in a church or in a science book...it is 100% inside every cell in me.
So today I'm not going to wave my fists in the air, bury myself under the covers or talk about the pain or unfairness of life. I'm simply using today to say thanks to all of you for being such good friends...and thank you mom for always knowing what I needed more than I knew myself.