Well, the first thing that you need to do is to accept that there is a problem and that it resides in you and not in your abuser, not in your parents who keep on insisting that you are no good, and not in that one single unpleasant social experience.
You focus on the problem and on the underlying beliefs. So, if your problem is an abusive relationship, you focus on the underlying beliefs that are forcing you to quietly suffer in silence. These are the beliefs and patterns that you need to work on.
It sounds quite simple but it is not that easy. Remember you are going against a system that you have accepted and have been following for a long time. If your abuser (your spouse, your parent, your boss) has you convinced that you are no good without him or her, it is time to take steps to be independent and show that you can indeed survive without this person. Your abuser may not like this. So, be prepared for some strong opposition here. This is especially true for women in abusive relationships.
To summarize, whether you are in an abusive relationship or dealing with depression, anxiety, or loneliness, it is time to ask yourself: Have I learned to be helpless in this situation? Keep in mind that the situation can be anything.
If the answer is yes, then it is time to question the underlying beliefs that have led to this learned helplessness and take steps to get back to living a better life.
Roohi, So true, couldn't say it better myself. :)
Yes, indeed Katie. I have already done this. Both of us have been doing this for the last 4 years now and have slowly realized how we continued to feel as the wrong ones. Now we see the world with different eyes. We were not wrong. We are the good ones. It's them who are the wrong ones. They are the ones who were trying to control us by their actions. Making us believe that we would be nothing without them. The truth is that they would never be anything without us.
Just realizing it is wrong, real and happens to many others is a huge source of strength to those experiencing abuse, it's not us, there is nothing wrong with us we are merely kind people caught in a unbelievable situation with one of the many abusive men. Off to share this post. My most positive thoughts are with you and your mother. Maybe you could record situations for her as you experience them later playing them back in private. She will come to the reality that it is in fact as outrageous as her inner most self has whispered to her. Be careful to listen silently with no comments. Let her absorb it on her own and process it as she needs to. Again, my most positive thoughts are with you and yours. :)K
Katie, your inputs are always much appreciated in this respect. I probably still don't have the courage to share it all publicly but I have experienced the verbal abuse episodes that you describe. And so has my mother. Hopefully, someone out there will indeed benefit from this article as well as your inputs. Thanks again for your valuable comments!
Brenda, I am glad that it is indeed over for you. Recognizing that you are in an abusive relationship is the toughest thing. But once you do recognize it, there is a whole new life waiting for you out there. Believe me, just like you, even I have realized it. Yes, indeed you do have choice, you just have to make it.
Very true, recording my verbally abusive husband was the Ah Ha moment for me. Once I secretly recorded him I realized while playing it back that I never got a word in, he dominated the conversation as he blamed me for causing the problem while all the while I merely didn't act in a way he wanted me too. He would explode, the rage would ensue and verbal attack was extremely outrageously abusive. I only realized the enormity of it all once I was able to hear it played back in a safe environment. The shock of what takes place is always lead by the cover up of the attacker who refuses any responsibility. The only way to diffuse it is to let the rage take it's course without your input. Sad how long it takes anyone suffering with such abuse to actually realize they are in an abusive situation that is not acceptable AT ALL. Oh don't let me get started. Great article. Sincerely, katiem2
Wow! This used to be me all over. I'm happy to say it's not anymore. I had a very abusive mother and married an abusive man. It was all mental and verbal abuse, but abuse just the same. I recognized I was a victim, but thought I didn't have a choice in the matter. It was just the state of affairs I was given. It wasn't until a psychiatrist pointed out that I had a choice, that I did something about it. When you have been an abused child, and fall into the same pattern in a marriage, it's even harder to heal, grow, and get out. That's all you've known. You don't realize there's another life waiting for you. Great article!
I agree Katie. Abusive people have you so convinced that you are wrong and they are right that you find yourself just stuck and unable to move. It takes a lot of courage to see the truth and walk out. But when you do walk out, you are assured of a better life.
Very helpful facts as to the side effects of abusive relationships. It is such a complex thing and one that takes much time and understanding for those in them to realize they are in fact in an abusive situation they do not cause. Abusive people are very good at making the victim feel to blame. Great article on a much needed topic of debate. :)K