Parenting without Hugs

Solomon had grown up in a fairly cold household.  He knew or at least he thought he knew he was loved.  It was not something he thought of.

Usually any touch he had received was as a form of punishment. His parents did not believe in ‘spoiling’ children so they kept him at arms’ length. He had always wanted to run into his mother’s arms when he was little but she never returned the hug and usually pushed him away. The only person who had touched him was an aunt; His mum's sister that was disapproved of for her flamboyant ways.  He quite liked his aunt growing up but did not see her as much as he would have liked.  

Now Solomon was a father and he was uncomfortable with touching his children. He saw them rush towards him whenever they felt fear or happiness and he always managed to sidestep their hugs. Even hugging his wife was not something he did as a matter of course.

As a result of his youth, he was unable to hug anyone without feeling slightly repulsed and very embarassed.

Sarah had been brought up by very touchy-feely parents and she, in turn, was easy with her hugs. At the first hint of sadness or joy, she took the opportunity to spread the love by hugging all around her. She was comfortable with herself and enjoyed having her children around her. She hugged them freely and they seemed to love to be around her.

Carry Mammals are animals like Kangaroos and apes.  Their offspring are born very immature and must stay close to the mother at all times.  The milk of the mother is low comparatively in fat and protein so their babies must be fed constantly to keep them alive.  These animals tend to carry their babies and allow free access to their teats so that feeding occurs frequently.  

We humans definitely fall into this category.  Babies,as we have learnt through decades of ever-changing theories on child rearing, do not thrive without the touch of their mothers, or at least some primary caregiver.  

They have spent around 9 months within our wombs receiving nourishment without ever having to wait for it and then they are thrust into the world in a flash and discover what it is to not be held.  Healthy babies tell you by crying, even when fed and clean, that they want to be close to you.

Mothers, sometimes choose to learn to switch off to this crying as they are told by others that the baby is manipulating you.  

How can a little baby manipulate?  All they know is that they need you.  Surely, your instincts tell you to hug your baby...

They become Toddlers and they run to you when they fall.  They run to you just to be reassured as they venture away from you.  They want to explore the world but they also want to know that you are near.

You sometimes wish they would leave you alone for a few minutes but they wander back just as you think you will have a rest. They feel completely at peace when in your arms.  They know instinctively it is the safest place to be.

Again, sometimes we try to push our little ones to independence because we need to do things, be somewhere, clean the house etc.  

Surely, your instincts tell us to hug the child and slow down...

This can be a prickly stage if you have not spent time getting to know their hearts (and sometimes, even if you have).  They might bite your head off if you try to come too close and yet even these great big kids need to know that someone cares.

Touch is such a universal way to show love and appreciation.  Why would you withhold your affection?  It is only a matter of time now before they leave home, go off to college, truly start to experience the world without you.  The one thing they will always know is whatever the world throws at them, they can always run to you for love, acceptance, affirmation and a great big hug.

Why would you even consider parenting without hugs?  Your instincts tell you it won't work...