My Story of Self Help for Depression

FINALLY! It was time for my lunch break, that nice sweet hour long period which everyone looks forward to during the day while at their job. Today was set to be even more special, my wife had dropped off a newly released album for me to listen to while enjoying my packed meal. After finishing up quickly and reclining back in the seat of my car, music playing softly in my ears, I received a message from one of my wife's friends. It read, "I know something about your wife that you don't," well of course my interest was peaked by this so I decided gave her a call. As she was speaking to me I could feel the world around me slowing down as my heart began to race, my breathing grew deep as my life came to a sudden halt. "Your wife slept with another man right before you got married..."

At some point in almost everyone's life there comes a time when they face something truly heart breaking or life changing, and depending on how it's handled can make all the difference in depression or happiness. Sadly, my story did not take a good turn from here and things slowly began to work their way downhill. After approaching my wife and the truth being confessed from her mouth, I needed time to think, the foundation of my entire marriage had just been snatched out from under me. Our entire marriage had been built on a lie, the lie that she had never been with anyone else during our relationship and I just couldn't take it all in, I had to leave. So I packed up my things and I left to go stay with my parents for a week or so before coming to a very hard decision. I took my vows before my entire family, her entire family, and before God, what kind of Christian man would I be if I backed out without trying?

Now the problem with which I was faced may not be the same problem that someone else has faced, or if it is the same problem, the circumstances could be completely different. What is important to remember is that the problem of depression begins somewhere, like an event that causes great pain or trouble in someones life, and it begins to manifest itself from there. It IS possible to catch this at an early stage and keep it from developing into something much more than it has to be, however if you're reading this you are probably already beyond that point. On the other hand, if you are not, you need to begin talking with someone else in person about what you're experiencing. Don't keep your feelings bottled in, this will lead to the feeling of being alone in whatever your facing and will become much harder to break that feeling later on in depression.

A month has gone by since moving back in with my wife and things aren't going that great, it's easy to see that I'm no longer the same person. The feeling of happiness that you get when you get off work was still there, but the excitement of being able to return home was gone. I began spending a lot of time alone on the computer instead of sitting down to watch television with my wife. Things that I once found to be pleasurable, such as sex, no longer held any special luster to them. There was absolutely no drive or motivation to do anything, not even a dream of possibly one day achieving, my dreams were dead and my love along with them. It's hard to have feelings for someone when those feelings no longer seem to be present, or the desire to even want them is gone. Many people take love for granted, but when a great deal of your life has been built upon it, you begin losing track of everything else.

When we lose the things that matter to us, whether those things be a loved one, an emotion, or a possession, we sometimes begin to lose track of everything else and what really matters. In my situation, I more or less lost the feeling of love for my wife, but I still had her there to actually support me, as well as my family and friends, but I could not see that from where I was looking. When depression begins to sink into a persons mind, it brings with it an entire emotional overhaul that replaces you with someone else. Things that were once found entertaining or brought you joy may no longer hold any attraction. Things that use to make you laugh or smile may only receive a glance of recognition. In essence, we begin to sink into ourselves and the only thing that seems to matter is us, we're all alone and nobody understands what we're going through; which isn't true.

The days began to drag by and nothing could break me of my overwhelming depression, the daily rhythm in which I lived my life brought no happiness and I could see no way out. At this time I began contemplating suicide, why not just end it, things are never going to get any better. My wife obviously doesn't care that she hurt me, she's not trying to comfort me. I have nothing to look forward to, all of my dreams are crushed and I don't want to have children with her. I'm stuck in a dead end job with a boss who hates me for no apparent reason, even though I'm one of the top workers in the business. I can't catch a break and problems just keep piling on top of each other, why would I want to stay alive? 

Do you see how easy it is to fall into this mindset that nothing matters any longer, that there is no way out of this dark hole you've fallen into? That the only conceivable way to get out of the mess your in is by ending it forever? Something which I didn't even consider when I was asking myself all of these questions and talking myself into further self loathing, was what about everyone else? If I were to take my own life, how would it affect all of those around me who do actually love me? I'm not talking about my wife, but my family and my friends, the people I live near and work with. Have I impacted their life since they met me, what pain would it bring them if I were to leave this world tonight?