Why I Won't Recommend Alton Towers Theme Park

All told, vouchers notwithstanding, that cost £297.50 ($465.92)  in tickets and £12.00 ($18.79) in parking, just to get us through the door. We didn't add the fast-tracks, nor have I factored in here the expense of over-priced and unsatisfactory food.

But was it worth it for a single day out at one of Britain's top theme parks?

We had reached our conclusions long before four of us were being winched to safety from the top of a stalled log flume. We wouldn't go back if you paid us.

I'm starting to think that I'm a masochist.  However a free ticket cannot be sniffed at, especially when there were reasonable excuses for the inadequacies of the first visit. I went again.

Round one was in February, when snow and ice lay thickly on the ground. That time our party was massive. 

Over 100 Runescape players had amassed for a real life meet up. We'd filled hotels from Ashbourne to Uttoxeter, only gathering in the same place at the gates of Alton Towers.

With such dire weather reports, several of us had anxiously been checking for days to ensure that the theme park would still be open. Some had cancelled in the expectation that it would close. In the hours over breakfast, the on-off nature had seen us looking for alternative places to visit.

Then the call went up. Alton Towers could open. We were going. Dozens of cars entered the parking lots that day.  Shouts of exhilaration went up, as we came face to face with on-line friends for the first time ever. People had traveled from abroad to be here; while others had journeyed from all over the United Kingdom and Ireland.

We paid our ticket money and strolled happily through the gates. There we were met with more staff handing out letters.  Snow and ice had forced the closure of the majority of the rides. This entitled us to return for free when it was warmer, as long as that was before the end of June 2012.

As if that was going to happen. Would you travel back from Belgium or Belfast to take advantage of that offer? 

I was one of the few who could conceivably do that.  Thus it was that I returned with my letter on a blisteringly hot day at the end of May. It caused confusion.  After a twenty minute wait in a ticket booth queue, I was informed that they could not validate this ticket here. I had to go to another desk.

By now, it had been nearly an hour since driving in through the huge metal gates of Alton Towers. We had sat in a traffic jam for ages, then parked up and completed the long trek to the theme park entrance. 

As I remonstrated with the ticket officer, she left my letter on the shelf between us. A gust of wind took it high into the air. It was only due to the quick actions of my teenage nephew, who bolted after it, that the letter was retrieved at all.

She remained unmoved. So we joined yet another queue. But at least that prepares you for what you'll be doing for most of the day.

98% of what you'll ever be doing at Alton Towers is queuing. The way in is good practice for it.

There is nothing to do in these queues. No street jugglers, no entertainment screens, often not even any pretty scenery.

Just rows of humanity snaking in and around themselves, each wearing expressions of blank weariness. They paid £42.50 to be there.

In February, engineers managed to get Air active. This huge roller-coaster is one of the park's biggest rides, so everyone present converged upon it. Slip-sliding up walkways and standing in freezing temperatures, we were warned that it could take up to an hour and half to get to the excitement at the end.

Some of our party actually managed it. I and two friends lasted about half an hour, until the first announcement of a temporary delay.  Air might have to close after all. We watched the test rides fly back and forth. It didn't look promising, so we left the queue.

By May, everything was open. A capacity attendance of 28,000 could be dispersed across a wide range of attractions. This did nothing to greatly reduce the waiting. Huge dynamic boards list the times upon them: 70 minutes for Nemesis; 90 minutes for its Sub-terra twin; 50 minutes for Rita.

We had split into two groups. My friend waited for 40 minutes to get onto the aforementioned Air, before an announcement came that it was experiencing a temporary closure. They waited and waited.

Meanwhile, myself and my two nephews had opted for the mere 25 minutes for Th13rteen. The sun beat down upon us in that queue. I watched my fifteen year old start to look quite ill. Beyond him, a young girl appeared to be on the verge of fainting. I came close to offering her a drink, but her father noticed and took her away.

Half an hour passed with us still not even within sight of the ride's terminal. It had already made a mockery of the estimated waiting times, when we too received the dreaded announcement.  'Experiencing difficulty', 'technicians working rapidly', 'back as soon as we can'.  We sat on the ground, physically struggling in the shadeless heat; and bored beyond question.

Finally there was movement!  Forty-five minutes after entering the queue, it was suddenly moving quite fast. I started to become suspicious. This was too fast. But there had been no announcement stating anything other than they were working to get us started again.

As we passed through a gate, a member of staff merely said, "You have to go this way."  There was no explanation about where 'this way' led, nor why we were going there. Sheep-like, we did as we were told.

And ended up back outside the ride, into the rest of Alton Towers.  Th13rteen had been closed down completely and the queue evacuated. None of us had been any the wiser, just moved like livestock through a gate.

Suffering from a little too much sun and a touch of motion sickness, I sat Oblivion out. While my two nephews rushed to wait 45 minutes for an adrenaline inducing plunge into the bowels of the earth, I was content to find a nice corner in the shade.

A cup of tea and a cigarette. A chat with a couple of people equally chilling out. This was more like it.  We got to watch the ride flash by far overhead, punctuated with regular screams of terror and delight.

But then, they stopped.

We could see quite clearly the double-rowed train trapped hundreds of feet above our heads. There was no telling who was on it, as we could see only the legs dangling. My two had been gone well over 45 minutes. They could be on it.

I collected up my bags and raced closer, trying to find a viewpoint where I could see faces. The queue is largely hidden from sight, so I could only see sections. I scanned them for my nephews. No sign of them there.

Craning my neck, I witnessed two engineers climbing with harnesses up the steep ladders alongside the trains.  There was a second one stuck further down the track, closer to the station.  A man arrived at the very top, just before the final plunge, secured his rope and worked on a control box.

My mind span through my options and I realized that I was fundamentally helpless. If my boys were trapped up there, then all I could do was wait. I couldn't even call them. I had their belongings in their rucksacks over my shoulder.

"They will be perfectly safe," I reasoned to myself. Even suspended so high up, at such an angle, the people there are nowhere near the edge. There was a ladder from which they could be evacuated. It would surely be alright.

It was.  The engineers eventually climbed down and the ride started again.  My two turned up about half an hour later, filled with excitement from the plunge. They'd been in the queue at the time of the closure, staring at a third car stalled near to the end of the ride.

They were fine, but across the theme park, the rest of our party were not.

Tucked away in the Merrie England section of the theme park is The Flume Unplugged. It's a traditional log flume (one of the first in fact, and custom made for Alton Towers) with a bath-tub theme.

Two of my adult friends and the younger tweens queued for an hour and twenty minutes to get onto it.

Finally in a tub, they set off along the waterways, slowly being conveyed to the very top.  Then they stopped.  A car in front of them had 'come off the side' and completely jammed the way ahead. No-one was injured, but the ride was naturally shut down.

Everyone on The Flume Unplugged had to be fitted into harnesses, in order to be led to safety, my friends included.

The rest of us didn't discover this until we were driving away. We'd already had enough.

It is possible to take a picnic into Alton Towers Theme Park, but you'd be carrying it around all day. You really don't want to be weighed down, when standing on your feet in long queues is the main event.

The alternative is to purchase sustenance from the many fast food outlets dotted around the park. I'll comment only on those we used.

A box of ten donuts were over-priced and each one was crispy and hard on one side. We'd only just made it through the gates and we were very hungry. We ate them.

When it came to eating lunch properly, my eldest nephew headed for the familiar menu of a Burger King. It wasn't the full range. For example, the chilli cheese bites, which I'm currently quite partial to myself, weren't available here. While he queued for a burger, we fixed a meeting point and wandered off to look elsewhere.

The Mexican Cantata was unbearably hot.  My youngest nephew braved it because he really likes the food. I had to step outside and leave him to it.  It cost nearly £7 for a burrito and 'Mexican style potato wedges'. (I'd be fascinated to discover which part of Mexico inspired the latter.) My nephew declared himself satisfied with the meal.

I opted for a cheese and onion pancake.  As a vegetarian, there wasn't much on offer anywhere that was particularly exciting. I felt like we were a bit of an afterthought. What was attractive about the pancake stall was the lack of anyone waiting to be served. I should have taken my hint from that.

It took a couple of minutes for anyone to venture onto my till to take my order. Though the row appeared from the outside to be separate places - burgers, jacket potatoes and pancakes respectively - it was all the same place once you peered over the counter.

Finally a lackluster lady grudgingly agreed to take my order.  I watched the pancake being made from scratch.  It looked fine, so I took my eyes off her to check for my errant teenager.

It wasn't until my family were all back together and I started to eat my food that I found the flaw. It was all onions inside.  Brown and soggy with oil, as if they'd been previously cooked and just left stewing.

Where was the cheese?  It turned into a joke amongst us, as it failed to materialize through each mouthful.  I eventually located it in a small solid ball at the point of the fold.

It didn't surprise me to learn, upon returning home, that three-quarters of the food units at Alton Towers had once failed a routine food safety check.

• Lack of customer focus. People are herded like livestock and treated like inconveniences. From the long walk to and from the car-park, to the unhelpful ticket desk, through the terrible service in food outlets, to the non-existent communication when the Th13rteen ride was being closed. 
• Constant, tedious queuing.  The long, enclosed pens are exposed to the elements with nothing to do in them. People stand for hours in utter boredom waiting for the rides. A bench along the fences would help the physical discomfort this causes. Some kind of entertainment along the way would stop an hour wait feeling like three.
• Rides stopping or breaking down all of the time. The primary concern is safety, but it also prolongs the queuing even longer. If they have to keep pausing, then are they fit for purpose?

I would also add that the maps and signposts are confusing. They may also be wrong. Our map placed a toilet in the square by Burger King. The reality was a signpost indicating that the restrooms were apparently inside Nemesis. They were actually a five minute walk away near Gloomy Wood.

We left an hour before closing (after finally making it into the park an hour and 40 minutes after it opened). We made the decision to go when we eventually faced facts - none of us were having fun.