coconut wine

I have a personal issue with wine snobs, I can cope with genuine wine experts who know their stuff, and admire them in many cases (pardon the pun) but wine snobs, pretentious amateurs who think they are wine experts but know nothing …. sorry I just cannot get on with them.

When a nearby superstore had a wine making promotion I couldn't resist the opportunity to wind up the resident wine expert and test his knowledge.

Whilst pondering how to begin my fun, I started to think about moonshine and other dodgy booze. I ventured into the fruit and veg department and put some coconuts in my basket, took them to the Help Desk where I asked if I could speak with a wine expert, she used the loud speaker to summon the wine department manager.

This very tall thin man with a name badge 'Simon' appeared and focused upon my coconuts, he asked if I was seeking recommendation of a suitable wine to go nicely with a coconut based desert.

I commented on his Sherlock Holmes like deduction but told him that I didn't want food and wine matching recommendations but wondered whether he knew of a safe method of making coconut wine because my friend had just seriously damaged both ankles during an attempt to crush the coconuts.

He looked confused to start with and then suggested that coconut wine was not made in the same manner as treading and squashing grapes. I explained that I had read it in a book that crushing coconuts with feet was the favoured and traditional way to extract the necessary liquids from coconuts to make wine. He sincerely apologized for being unable to assist as he was the wine manager for bottled wines. He did however promise to escort me to the wine making department where we would receive expert advice.

As Simon approached one of the wine making staff, I decided to hide behind the wine making equipment and pretend to browse. I could hear Simon say “Good afternoon, I'm Simon from the wine department; I have a brief question; is there a safe method make coconut wine without breaking ankles?”

The wine making expert replied in an irritated manner “Sorry, how does one break ones ankles making coconut wine?”.

Simon replied “ By treading on the coconuts as they do on grapes!”

At this point, rivalry could be detected and the wine making professional called out to his co-worker; “Mr Froome, the wine expert here seems to believe that coconut wine is produced by treading the coconut shells with his bare feet”

Simon was clearly embarrassed and stuttered, stammered then turned to involve me with hope that I will rescue him from a situation that was compromising his wine expertise, but I was afar, observing a number of bystanders laughing at a very funny incident.