How to survive a Horror Movie
Ever wondered what to do if you find yourself in a horror movie?
Horror Movies: Don't you love a good fright?
Have you ever noticed how horror movies are not as scary today as they were when you watched them as a child? Somehow, getting older has taken away some of the mystique surrounding them. Suddenly, the graphics are nowhere near as seamless as they seemed as a child. Chucky is just a weird looking doll, rather than the reason to avoid climbing the stairs on your own, in case he popped out.
Watching recent horror movies however, the special effects are so realistic (Although, I wonder what our kids will say) and the horror so gory that you cannot help but be drawn into all the nonsense and find it preying on your mind even when the movie is over.
Anytime I watch one, I have to watch a comedy immediately afterwards and definitely before going to bed - Yes, I am a lightweight!
The start of the horror movie
Now, imagine for a second that you went to sleep, woke up and found yourself trapped in a horror movie! You had nonchalantly dragged yourself to the bathroom to start the day with a shower and there, in front of you, written out in blood are the words –
I AM BACK FOR YOU!
The blood drains from your face as your mind turns into mush and you wonder who on earth this could be? Has your partner turned into a raving lunatic sometime over night or is it your ex? are you the subject of a practical joke?
Quickly, your options run before your eyes as you consider everything you have learnt from the horror movies you have indulged in.
Somewhere in your scared mind, you start to hear a small sound and you jerk around to the cupboard, just behind the bathroom door. Scanning the room for a weapon, you pick up the toilet brush, brandishing it like a sword and then you fling open the cupboard door. In there is your partner cowering and pleading as though you were about to kill him. You both stop and look at each other and fall into each other arms. All the while, you hold onto your 'sword' as you quietly try to figure out what on earth is going on.
It turns out one of your housemates has been slashed open and the rest have been dragged away by a masked man waving a long knife around. Your partner had hidden in the cupboard and had so far avoided notice, but the masked man had been coming back at intervals to take each housemate so it was only a matter of time before you both were found!
At that moment, the phone rings...
What would you do?
How to survive horror movies - the manuals
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So How do you survive a Horror Movie?
- DO NOT answer the phone!
You just know what will happen, you will creep to the phone, answer it and somehow the killer will find you and while you are talking to him on the phone, he will creep up and kill you from behind. All that will be left is the dribble of blood as you slide to the floor.
- DO NOT separate from your partner
We all know that as soon as the group splits up to 'find a way out'. The end is nigh for someone. You really do not want that someone to be you!
- DO NOT shout out 'Hello, is anybody there?' It is a pretty stupid thing to do in case you wondered. Now everyone knows YOU are there
- DO NOT be the hero
If someone is hurt and bleeding out, leave them to it and run, run, run. Come back in the daytime...Maybe
- DO call 911 (or 999) depending on your country. Do not call your 'friend' to come help you, do not tweet about it and do not update your status. Use your time wisely!
- DO NOT investigate any strange noises - they are a lure to suck you in.
- DO NOT fall over while running away and if you do, spring up like a trained acrobat or cheetah and run, run, run!!!!!
- If your friend/partner falls over when running, DO NOT help them up, run like the wind
- This one is weird and I wonder if anyone needs to be told but just in case you are stupid - DO NOT give in to any loving urges while running through the woods away from the killer with your partner!
- Even when you think the killer is behind you, DO NOT look back because you know the moment you do, he/she will magically be exactly where you are running to.
The TWO biggest tips
Regardless of everything said above,
DO NOT BE BLACK!
I am sorry to say that no matter how many of the rules you obey in the above paragraph, if you are black, then game over.
As has been said before, "The black dude dies first" (Or gal!)
If you really cannot do the above, then somehow slap yourself on the head and realise you are in fact the murderer. You have split personality disorder and the other half of you has gone crazy. There is actually no one apart from you in the house and you have been wondering around pretending to kill off parts of yourself.
You emerge from the drug-induced coma you have been put in by your psychotherapist and decide to kill him instead...