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The Obsessive Person - How to Avoid or Getaway From a Controlling Obsessive Person

by katiem2

Caution, this information is of a serious nature it carries a vital warning for those who may fall prey to the obsessive controlling type. Find out why control freaks are that way.

Obsessive and controlling people can be difficult to interact with. Many people suffer from personality disorders with a large number of them never addressing the issue. They learn to compensate in a way that hides their behavioral challenges commonly observing and mimicking the relationship behavior of others.

This sets them up to appear wonderful when first meeting and getting to know others. The problem being those who copycat human behavior don't actually feel empathy for others. They are hyper sensitive to their own feelings and desires later displaying narcissistic behavior.

This makes it very difficult for them to interact with others in an intimate or nurturing manner. This reality creates many a painful and defining moment in the lives of others. Take heed to be careful and deliberate when really getting to know someone.

How to Avoid an Obsessive Person

The only way to avoid getting involved with a controlling or obsessive person is to know how to identify the type.

There are many indicators pointing to the obsessive traits of a person. Those who don't address their obsessive nature experience a manifestation of deeper issues. This webpage is designed to help anyone understand the dynamics of controlling and obsessive people.

The best defense is to avoid controlling people in terms of your private and social life. I am not a professional doctor, simply a person who’s struggled in a relationship with a person I later learned to be both Obsessive and Controlling. It still makes me shiver just thinking about it. It was a horrible ordeal. It is my every hope to help others from falling prey to a person like this as they can turn your life inside out.

Obsession and Control

The obsessive person almost always has an intense need to control everyone and thing around them.

The obsessive person knows this; they learn to get what they need to satisfy this urge. It is by doing so they become addicted to what they perceive as a superior skill over others.

The ability to manipulate feeds their underlying narcissistic behavior only making it worse for others. They see others as incompetent. While they need them they are often put off by people as they lean toward anti-social tendencies.  

The obsessive type manipulates others into a relationship only to later engage in control.

The controlling type knows they must act in a way acceptable to position themselves in a relationship where they have full access to control another. Is this subconscious or completely a conscious choice?

There are many opinions on this very topic. I personally feel this behavior is typical of the anti-social behavior or otherwise known as sociopath and yes in fact a conscious choice. 

Learn Better Do Better

It is the mentally healthy among us that should learn about such conditions to better help those who struggle to avoid situations they cannot maneuver.

How Someone Falls for a Sociopath?

The average mentally healthy person can fall in love with a sociopath because they act the part of your idea mate.

In the beginning the obsessive controlling type listens carefully finding out what you like and feel is important. They make this a reality by being the perfect person for you causing you to fall in love.

This perfect match is intoxicating to you until one day, like a bolt of lightning, they've changed. Every breathing human being falls in love at one time or another or do they? That's a staggering fact when you think about it.

The mentally healthy do fall in love while anti-social or controlling people do not, unless with themselves.They become so addicted to the power of control it is the driving force behind their relationships with others.

The hard cold reality of love and romance is it can go very wrong. Some people are not capable of loving another and yet be warned these very people seem to be perfect until they have you firm in their grip.   

It becomes insanely difficult to figure out what's wrong with someone who has mental health issues. Those who refuse to address or treat it later experience something more sinister.

Could it be that maybe they were sociopaths to begin with as the characteristics of a sociopath exhibit the same symptoms as those with OCPD. Research indicates there are 1 in every 25 of the human population. 

How to Spot a Sociopath?

There are some basic ways to determine if someone is a sociopath.

The first thing to do is be careful allowing ample time to pass. The more time you spend around a person in life’s everyday situations the more of their true personality you will see.

While sociopaths are very good at mimicking normal human behavior they cannot keep it up for long.  In reality there is a stark difference between the role they play to get what they want and the person they are when letting their hair down.

There will be those times when they snap as if transforming into a different creature entirely. The best way to know if someone is a sociopath is to let time pass and be observant. It may be something outrageous or strange they say, a flaring temper, distaste for a certain type of person etc.

You will know as it will be outrageously wrong and happens most often when you are alone with them. When they feel in control and safe within the privacy of their own home, car or other places they can't help but show their true colors.

The most common and obvious traits of a sociopath is extreme self confidence and the lack of empathy for others. Be careful to look for this!

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Are You in a Controlling Relationship?

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Contol follows obsession almost as if a natural flow, left untreated any mental health issue can manifest into something much worse.
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The Personality Con

Those of an obsessive and controlling nature fear abandonment and therefore pretend to be exactly what you want.

It’s just far too easy for most anyone to be an impressive version of them self while in the beginning throws of love.

Most everyone puts on airs to impress someone they first meet or want to develop a relationship with. We can only keep it up for so long and suddenly little bits and pieces of our flawed self begins to surface.

This is a normal process and one most of us understand as a fact of life. However there are those situations that make you scratch your head thinking, wait a minute this is way over the top, is it a fluke. This the biggest mistake anyone involved with an obsessive person can make. Their reveal is usually an irrational burst of anger, insult or confrontation. It will continue and escalate. 

May I remind you this is a cautionary tale from someone who's lived through a very difficult relationship? The other party experienced an addiction to the relationship which spelled big trouble for me and my freedom?

OCPD

Left unidentified or untreated OCPD can lead to very dangerous situation.

Obsessive–Compulsive Personality Disorder 

While those who receive treatment deal with this disorder successfully it is those who are never treated that are the topic of this discussion.

There has been much discussion about obsessive – compulsive personality disorder as of late.

Wikipedia defines obsessive-compulsive personality as Obsessive–compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) is a personality disorder which is characterized by a pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, mental and interpersonal control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency.

The obsessive type we are discussing here is not that of those struggling with OCD or OCPD.

What Makes Someone Obsessive?

Obsessive people often confuse control for love.

This makes for a very dangerous situation. What is it about a person that makes them obsessive and why is this a recipe for disaster when it comes to love? I'm sure by now you know.

People with such disorders tend to have addictive tendencies which can lead to relationship addictions.

This type of obsessive relationship is one in which the other person feels they cannot survive without you.

Due to this feeling they will do anything to possess you, the object they obsess over, just as they would any other object.

Healthy Relationship

To fully understand the difference between a healthy relationship and that of an addictive relationship let us compare;

  • A healthy relationship is one in which a person loves themselves and others
  • They know they can survive fully without the other person.
  • They see the addition of another in their life as being a loving contribution and one that could end at any time.

The Addictive Relationship

These types of addictions stem from a persons inability to be alone as they crave the control of another.

Addictive Relationship

Whereas an addictive relationship is one in which a person exhibits addictions to intimate relationships, finding it difficult to be alone jumping from one relationship to the next. 

These people have not connected with themselves nor learned to love themselves.

These addictive types will endure anything to stay in the relationship including;

  • The other does not love them
  • The other wants out
  • The other has completely rejected them, rejection often triggers the obsessive mode
  • The other has complete contempt for them

They place little to no value on the gravity of your position only a deep and desperate need to keep you.

Note: Do keep these comparisons in mind when first experiencing a relationship giving careful consideration before you commit!

While you may feel a desire to take in the stray and help them to heal there is little likelihood this will be your reality.

Abandonment Issues

People with abandonment issues have trouble trusting anyone will stay with them unless they take control.

The 13 Personality Traits of Someone with Abandonment Issues

  1. This person is driven by the need to avoid the abandonment and rejection they realize their behavior creates.
  2. This person will lack trust in others and be suspicious.
  3. This person is angry inside exhibiting such anger at odd times with great intensity.
  4. This person experienced abandonment in the early development of life.
  5. This person views relationships and sex as a human need such as food and water.
  6. This person feels helpless when not in a relationship.
  7. This person is dependent on others to meet their needs.
  8. This person feels a mate is the only thing making them complete.
  9. This person may escalate to higher risk behaviors.
  10. This person feels a strong desire to control others, themselves and situations. 
  11. This person will continue to argue that they don’t have a problem.
  12. This person is often desperate, driven and compulsive.
  13. These types confuse the desire and the chemical attraction for sex as love.

As you can imagine abandonment issues create many road blocks preventing a successful or happy adult relationship.

These things don't go away or get better without the obsessive person committing to lots of intense work and therapy.

Love Addictions

The obsessive and controlling types often confuse their addiction to control others with love.

The Signs of Love Addictions

1) This person lacks nurturing ignoring your feelings while seeking attention for their own.
2) This person is commonly narcissistic which leads to the addiction.
3) This person is emotionally detached from their actions and is mentally and physically isolated.
4) This person builds a wall between them and supportive family who want to help.
5) This person appears highly productive in society.
6) This person loves drama and often creates it from nothing.

The Double Life

Those with Anti Social Behaviors learn to act in a manner found pleasing to society.

This person often lives a double life, one in society being well behaved while the private version being one of a mentally ill person releasing their obsessive desires.

It is very common for a person with obsessive personality disorder to be in denial mistaking their life tendencies as those of every other healthy human being.

Anytime a person becomes addicted to another and relates to them as a possession they own it becomes an extremely risky position for the person whom is being possessed. When a person feels desperately attached to another and realizes they are losing this person they can become violent as their condition can escalate into something lacking any rational.

Be safe and be aware of such relationship realities. It is always better to be alone than to be in a relationship that may lead to you wishing you were alone!

A True Story of Obsession

This real life story is one that happened to me teaching me about an entirely different type of person I never want to encounter again.

I met this guy, he was helpful, talented, and very much the gentleman. We began dating and he was amazing. He hung on my every word agreeing with me on important life issues. It seemed we were perfect for each other. He was handsome with piercing blue eyes. Everything was perfect until we said I do. I quickly saw a completely different person. It was shocking, I believe I was in shock and disbelief for some time, possibly even years. 

It became very obvious he suffered from some severe mental illness. I began researching all of his symptoms only to become more confused. I couldn't imagine who it was I had married.

I felt I could help him heal and deal with the illness.This was not the case as he had no real interest in getting help yet only buying more time with me.

The time I invested helping him only positioned me more deeply in the grip of his determined obsession. If I had it to do over again I would have left the relationship immediately. 

I soon came to understand the severity of his obsessive and controlling personality. This type of relationship can be a horrifying experience. It was for me! As long as things went his way everything was fine, the minute I did something my way he would explode. The longer you stay the harder it is to leave. You jeopardize your safety and allow time for their obsession with you to intensify. They begin to see you as their property, they feel you are theirs and always will be. The longer the relationship remains the more controlling and dangerous the situations becomes. They will do anything to keep what is theirs, that being you!

Once I realized it was a hopelessly unhealthy relationship and wanted out, I assumed I could simply walk away like most normal people do when it doesn't work out, but oh no this was not the case. He did everything within his power to keep me connected to him; all that mattered to him was keeping me around.

I was a possession to him and one he felt he could not live without. My complete lack of love and unwillingness to stay together was of little concern to him.

He only cared about what he wanted and openly told me you're not leaving; I will never let you go. It was as if what he wanted had to be. It is very hard to wrap your brain around such a situation.

It is for this reason you must be very carefully to consider if the person you’re involved with may have these tendencies. They are careful to first deceive you into thinking they’re amazing only to later possess you.

Sincerely, Katie

Updated: 01/08/2013, katiem2
 
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The Obsessive Person - How to Avoid or Getaway From a Controlling Obsessive Person Chat

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DerdriuMarriner on 05/22/2017

katiem2, Did your children see any of this, or was he one way with you (and probably your friends) and another with the kids?

katiem2 on 07/22/2013

Lilysnape, The intense and troubled insights into a bad time in my life.

Lilysnape on 07/20/2013

Some very interesting points to think about

katiem2 on 02/17/2013

John, I appreciate the addition of your personal experiences it is helpful to others as they evaluate their own relationships. :)K

John on 02/16/2013

I dated a chic like this she seemed perfect till I committed to the relationship and then I saw her true colors. It was one of the worse experiences of my life. The idea to avoid such people in the first place is brilliant and the only way I will ever engage in a relationship again EVER. These people are out there and are just as you described.

katiem2 on 01/10/2013

This has made for some very interesting conversation. Mike I heard that too, can't remember where I think on the news. Thanks

teddletonmr on 01/10/2013

Very interesting points made here. I read some where that there are more narcissistic people in the young adults sector of our society than ever.

katiem2 on 01/02/2013

Miaden, It's always good to hear from you. As you noted this article points to the issue of control and how it relates to many emotional and mental disorders further more the need or desire to control others is never healthy, we should embrace one another for the individual freedom and expressions of oneself finding balance with others who share our similar interest and convictions. I in no way feel you to be controlling a bit of a careful perfectionist maybe but in a good way as you are someone who is thoughtful of quality. Thanks for adding to this conversation as every thought process brings more understanding and awareness to those who need it. :)

Your insights and studies of the personality types you've mentioned is very interesting I do look forward to reading it.

I'm to this day not certain as to what exactly was the mental issue with the person I was involved with, he was very good at acting, as they learn to do once they begin to realize the vast difference between them and society as a whole. I know him to be a narcissist and maybe more and yet he always refused and rejected treatment or therapy of any kind as it would point out his issues, something he guarded with his life as if anyone catching on to him would be the ultimate failure, the worst thing that could happen. This is a very interesting area of study. I do admit to being curious as to why those like this are as they are, it's such a crazy twisted bit of science. Again, I look forward to your articles on this topic.

Mladen on 12/29/2012

Hi, Katie.
I was thinking about writing an article about psychopaths and sociopaths for a long time now. Somehow, I can't find the needed time for that. But when I do finish it, I will point to your article, since a lot of psychopaths i see in the disorders you are writing about.

But, now, somehow I feel uncomfortable to say that I have a mild obsessive compulsive disorder. :D
I wouldn't agree that we fit into this frame. Am I being controlling right now? :) Just kidding, but I know this article is not about OCPD, so I will leave it aside.

About sociopaths of any kind, any treatment is questionable. in my honest opinion, there is no adequate treatment. Medications and psychotherapy is just not good enough at this point. I will let anyone to correct me if I am wrong. But, I am in contact with some of those. I even worked with small group of sociopaths as a part of one research, and i have that feeling that they are just really though nuts.

Maybe, it is the only hope to prevent someone to become a SP. Roots of this disorder is in family (dysfunctional family).

It is wrong to believe that they cannot love anyone. That is truth for psychopaths, but not the sociopaths. They have feelings, but that is their problem: they feel in the wrong way.

Narcissistic persons, well, they can become real trouble. We see them everywhere, but somehow we rarely can guess how hard it could be to live with those. For those living with narcissistic persons, there is a whole palette of problems they can encounter. I have been talking with few "victims", and what they said baffled me. it was not beating, controlling, discouraging or other types of abuse that hurt them the most. it was the fact that no one (neighbors, friends, family) didn't believe them when they would ask for help.
What is tricky there is that narcissistic persons put a lot of effort to show themselves in the best light to strangers. So, no one can imagine what they are capable of.

I am sorry to see that you were in such relationship, but it is good to have you to write about it. i guess who doesn't feel it, can't talk about it.

Cheers!

Pam on 12/22/2012

I agree with you Katie, shrinks and therapist have no idea what these people are like in the real world, or well yes they no doubt run into them as well. These people are so difficult to work with and often slow down the entire process as they want to have things their way, very immature or so it seems.

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