What to Do After the Sudden Death of a Child

Jason and I shared a special bond, because he was a chosen child. We chose each other when he was four years old. He was a foster child who lived next door to me. I have told the story leading up to his adoption in my HubPages article, How I Became a Foster Parent. After Jason became my legal son, our bond grew even stronger. You see, we had been friends before we had become family. I could not imagine life without his cheerful conversation, his unique perspective on life, and his affection. I looked forward to his returning home after whatever adventure he may have had each day because I knew he'd always be eager to tell me all about it. Unlike many boys that age, by the time he was twelve he was a great companion and still enjoyed talking to us and traveling with us, even though he had several close friends his own age.

By the time he was thirteen, Jason had also learned many skills. We taught him at home during his last three years, and my husband and others had taught him some basic car maintenance skills as well as how to do some minor repairs around the house. He was a great helper when we went camping, and he'd learned a lot of that in the Boy Scouts. He had great mechanical aptitude and could put something together while I was still reading the directions. That made him a great helper, and he had a helpful spirit to go with it. He was patient and forgiving, and very compassionate. I could not imagine life without him.

All that changed suddenly on August 27, 1991, when he went with a church group to go water skiing and never came home -- at least alive. I came home from a doctor appointment to discover close friends from church in my home who had never really come calling -- we'd always visited them. My husband met me at the door -- another first. I knew something was wrong. Jason must have been hurt. But it was worse than that. Jason was dead.

After Jason was gone, our nest was empty. Neither of us was still employed, so no one had to go to work. If you are employed, most employers will give you time off until after the memorial service is over. We were fortunate in that regard, but not everyone is so fortunate.

I have known two other mothers from churches I've attended who did still have children at home. One was able to function and help her children grieve with her. The other was totally unable to do anything. She was so stricken by her son's death in an accident that she could barely deal with her responsibility to help her other children, some of whom were still quite young, who were missing their brother. Hard as it might be, you need to keep life as normal as possible for your other children as far as schedules go. Try to have meals at regular times and keep bedtime constant. If you have bedtime rituals, try to keep them intact, even if you don't feel like it. Someone may help you with getting food on the table, but you need to join your family to eat with them. Your other children have never been parents and can't comprehend your loss. They will be wondering why you are paying so much attention to someone who isn't there anymore and not paying as much attention to them when they still are there. You may find yourself pushing them away emotionally at the time they most need your support. 

If you can't sleep, ask your doctor for some sleeping pills to get you past the first couple of weeks. If you have no appetite, eat anyway and take stress vitamins. Make sure you eat fruits and vegetables and healthy food -- even if you have to have it brought in. Junk food and fast food won't give the nutrients your body needs. If your church and the neighbors aren't bringing you healthy food, try the take-out deli at your local supermarket. We have had good luck with Vons stores here in California, and they have some good salads at reasonable prices.

When you don't feel up to nuturing your children, sit down with them and tell them that you are missing their brother or sister very much and it makes your heart hurt. Ask them how they feel. By your example, let them know it's OK to be sad or to cry because you have lost someone you loved. Explain that not everyone feels their sorrow the same way. Some people want to talk about it  and some don't. Some grieving people want to be with people all the time and some just want to be left alone. Let them know if they want to talk, you will listen.

Home Page of the Compassionate Friends
This wonderful resource an online support did not exist when I lost Jason, but I do know many people who have lost children more recently who have been helped very much by this group. If you don't have a friend you feel free to talk to about your loss, check this out.

Unthinkable Grief: Coping with the Death of a Child
This article will not only help parents who have lost a child cope with that loss, but it will also help their family and friends know how to support them and what to say (and what not to say.) There are many links to more helpful resources, as well.

The Death of a Child -- The Grief of the Parents: A lifetime Journey
This is an excellent resource in understanding how parents may express their grief. A newly bereaved parent may not understand what is normal and what's not. They may not understand some of the factors underlying their relationship as they express their grief. This author also has a lot to say to those who want to comfort those who have lost children.