When Donald Trump Came to Dinner

Donald Trump, as with all narcissists, is known to be susceptible to flattery, so the Brits put on a full display of royal pageantry during his state visit in September 2025.

First up was a golden coach ride around Windsor Great Park. Commentator James O'Brien described the moment: “This is, to use a technical term, known as the 'Full Cinderella.' There are six horses. Spoiler alert, they will not turn into mice at midnight.”

Queen Camilla and Melania Trump followed in a less ornate carriage with only four horsepower so they could fully grasp that, as women, they were of lowlier status.

Cavalry took part in a march past and one horse, perhaps now at the glue factory, took the opportunity to have a dump as it passed the reviewing dais.

Two-by-two, the guests perambulated into Windsor Castle's St. George's Hall along a red carpet. Away from the cameras, they would have been carefully herded into the correct order of precedence. Each woman carefully paired with a male escort, sometimes a spouse, sometimes not.

The men were instructed to appear in white tie and tails (rental cost from nationaltuxedorentals.com, $85—not advised). The Complete Book of Etiquette tells us that “Tailored to fit, ‘White Tie’ can give any man a special dignity and distinction as do no other clothes.” However, no matter how hard the tailors try some guests of honour defy having dignity placed upon them.

A few men, such as Trump's Treasury Secretary Scott Bessant, committed the faux pas of wearing a cummerbund with their white tie outfit—“My Dear, one just doesn't do that.”

The ladies, of course, were gowned in all the finery that designers could throw together for $20,000 a pop. Melania Trump caused a stir by turning up in a yellow, off-the-shoulder frock. Perhaps, she was exercising her Second Amendment right to bare arms.

The royal women, and only the royal women, wore fancy hats called tiaras. Queen Camilla picked The Belgian Sapphire Tiara (guessed at a value of between $6 million and $13 million) out of her closet for the affair.

Printed, of course, in French because that signifies sophistication and demonstrates we have chefs in the kitchens, not cooks.

There were no choices:

• Panna Cotta de Cresson et œufs de caille sur sablé de parmesan—A salad of watercress with Parmesan shortbread and quail eggs;
• Ballottine de poulet fermier en robe de courgettes—chicken wrapped in zucchini;
• Bombe glacée cardinal— Vanilla ice cream with raspberries and plums.

Rather meagre fare, one would think, for a man of Trump's girth and known aversion to veggies. And, given his well understood dietary choices he would, no doubt, have preferred the chicken served from a bucket.

Calories could be made up with the plonk on offer:

• Wiston Estate Cuvee 2016 ($54 a bottle);
• Domaine Bonneau de Martray Corton-Charlemagne Grand Cru 2018 ($380 per bottle);
• Ridge Vineyards Monte Bello 2000 ($369 per bottle); and,
• Pol Roger Extra Cuvee de Reserve 1998 ($187 per bottle).
• What that $54-swill was doing in there is anybody's guess.

For those still needing a bit of fortification to overcome the knowledge of having just participated in honouring a convicted felon and adjudicated rapist, there were after-dinner drinks:

• 1945 vintage port (about $1,500 a bottle); and.
• 1912 cognac (about $400 a bottle)

1,462 pieces of gold-plated cutlery were set out with scrupulous precision for guests to use. Bit risky that, because at least one of the diners is known to have a larcenous nature and to covet gold above all else.

All the top royals were there, decked out in the blue sashes only they are allowed to wear. They are called ribands and the blue one signifies membership in the Order of the Garter. It's an exclusive club of only 24 members; me and thee will never be in it.

The Duke and Duchess Sussex (Harry and Meghan) were absent. They've been a bit naughty and were not even allowed to sit at the children's table. Of course, Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, (he who used to be known as Prince Andrew) and whose name cannot even be mentioned, was certainly barred from proceedings.

Then came a sprinkling of dukes and a few technology moguls (Apple's Tim Cook and Open AI's Sam Altman).

There was the owner of Fox News and The Wall Street Journal, Rupert Murdoch, currently being sued by Trump for $20 billion. Several under-butlers and footmen were no doubt assigned to run interference and to make sure Trump and Murdoch didn't get into each other's space. But, wouldn't it have been fun if those two grizzled old farts got into a punch up in St. George's Hall?

There were a few politicians and a couple of sporting types, but a noticeable absence of A-list notables. The BBC noted that “President Trump's banquet in Windsor Castle was conspicuously missing celebrity faces or screen stars.” The news organization suggested luminaries such as George Clooney, Robert De Niro, and Rosie O'Donnell (especially Rosie O'Donnell) have very full diaries and it's impossible to accommodate every invitation.

After a quick inventory of the cutlery and condiment shakers the merrymakers were released.

• Riveting oratory. People are saying, English professor friends of mine, it's the finest speech ever given, anywhere.
• On the same night as the state banquet, a few miles away, the Windsor Homeless Project sheltered and fed 35 people.
• The tariffs on British exports to the United States remain in place.

• “White Tie DOs & DON’Ts – Guide to Tailcoats & Full Dress.” E.J. Daniels, gentlemansgazette.com,
• “Sashes Worn by Royal Families Explained.” Jennifer Betts, thelist.com, July 2, 2023.
• “What Was on the Menu and Who Was on Guest List at State Banquet?” Sean Coughlan, BBC, September 17, 2025.
• The Windsor Homeless Project.