How do you react when you feel a lack of confidence? How do you build your confidence when you feel shy or a bit unsure of yourself?
Usually people withdraw. Let’s talk about a specific situation. For example, you decide to attend a business networking luncheon. You are expecting a few of your friends to turn up but you walk in and do the quick look around and notice NO ONE that you know. What do you do now?
Are you one of those uber-confident people (at least on the outside) that walks straight up to a group and joins right in or do you withdraw into yourself and wonder how to get through the next hour or so?
Back to the room you have just walked into...
To cover your sudden need to run and hide, you plaster a small smile on your face and think about how alone you feel, about how you wish your colleagues were here and about how odd you must look standing all on your own.
Notice how your internal chatter is all about you and how you feel about this situation. You have effectively taken yourself out of the room. You have withdrawn into yourself and you probably are giving out the signal ‘leave me alone’ so by default, people leave you alone and then you feel even more unsure of yourself. At some point you might even get annoyed that everyone is so unfriendly and you might walk out or you may just grin and bear it all the way to the end of the event. However, you gain nothing from the event and have wasted that time which could have been used more fruitfully elsewhere.
So here are some tips for building rapport and building confidence quickly in such a circumstance
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1. This is probably the hardest bit but it becomes easy, the more you practise it. Walk up to someone you do not know, preferably another solitary person or couple.
2. A quick introduction and then ask this person an open ended question like how long have you worked for the company? What do you like about the company?
3. Really listen to their response, pay attention to their body language, their facial expressions and the way their voice sounds.
The idea is to be really present in the situation, not withdrawn into your inner world. So really engage with what they are saying.
4. Do not pass judgement on them, Do not compare their responses with what you would have said and do not formulate a response
5. Follow on from the first question with another question and keep the conversation going, showing interest completely in them. Taking your attention away from you.
6. Do not talk about yourself. Just stay focused on the other person. Smile from time to time and encourage them to keep talking.
7. Remember a few things about the person you spoke to and use that as the basis of continuing the conversation. This makes people feel important and they tend to like people who listen to them.
And that is it.
As you do this, you will discover how simple it is to build rapport with other people as most people love to talk about themselves to someone who seems to want to listen.
Practise doing this in any situation – waiting in line at the grocery store, standing at the school gates – anywhere. It will become easier each time you do it and also you will discover how interesting people can be if you really listen
The biggest thing this does is take your attention away from you. Your feelings can be very deceptive in unfamiliar situations but if you can for a minute or two, forget about your internal chatter, you might be surprised to realise confidence can be developed and practised.
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