Decoding Loneliness - What can I do To Heal My Lonely and / or Broken Heart?

by Jerrico_Usher

Dig into the real reason your Lonely. This is the first step most people skip and thus can't figure out why they can't seem to heal!

Loneliness in itself is not a bad thing. It becomes a problem when you start to depend on things outside yourself to cure it. Chronic loneliness can be a symptom to a much bigger problem that needs to be healed BEFORE you go out looking for an external cure. Curing your loneliness with love, for example, is no different than trying to cure insomnia with Excedrin PM. Not realizing the core of the problem (why you feel lonely ultimately not superficially) exists in another area can cause you to make things worse.



Although the real problem may be drinking 18 cups of coffee one right after the other all day all the way up until bed time every night and expecting to sleep, people are trying to "cure" it with sleep medication instead of caffeine abstinence after six! Simply stop drinking the coffee 6 hours before bed and you won't need PM medications (if that's in fact the real problem your having).

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For some, a dis-balance in the body due to dehydration or malnutrition can cause them to "feel" low and without the energy social lives tend to wane, causing loneliness. Then there is the loneliness caused by a broken heart.

Whatever the reason, loneliness breaks down at the core to confidence and how you feel about yourself at the time (and your ability to feel content ALONE).

Confidence and comfort is corroded by lack of self esteem but this is, for most people, just a temporary condition caused by something else (i.e. heartbreak, falling out with friends, etc...).

If you feel lonely and desperate it can mean that you don't have enough respect for yourself or that your way too addicted to and dependent on external stimulus to live your life.

If you can't stand your own company and demand to have others fill the needs you yourself should be content in fulfilling then there may be a problem in your self-image.

Many mistake "boredom" with "loneliness". Although at times the two feel the same, more often than not the problem is the same- not being able to entertain yourself without external help (i.e. a computer, games, etc...). Just being content sitting there in a room with no stimulus and not getting lonely is the goal.

This doesn't mean your not a great person with a lot of amazing qualities that others see right away, it just means that you aren't content being alone and this could he a bigger problem then it seems. Many who feel lonely a lot also feel bored easily. 



Figure Out What Degree Of Loneliness Your In

...And How Desperate You Are Not To Feel It


Chronic loneliness is often a symptom of the wrong mindset. If your generally confident and can be alone most of the time without the "need" to be in a relationship, then loneliness is just a yearning to be around people, or to feel the bliss of love.

If however you're feeling loneliness all the time, and feel desperate to be with someone, this can be a very dangerous kind of loneliness. If you cannot confidently be alone you are in danger of leeching something from a potential lover or relationship (romantic or non-romantic).

The cure of course then is to discover why you feel lonely. If you write down your thoughts about it, and just flow all of your ideas onto paper, you will discover the real reason you feel lonely and can cure it safely without risking a broken heart (broken heart syndrome is the focus of the second half of this article, and shows why you should NOT cure loneliness by entering into a relationship).

The answers to most of your problems are already in your head you just have to set them free from their prisons behind the belief systems and all the massive amounts of data you've learned since you last thought of this issue. What you end up with is a formatted answer to your problem. 

YOU KNOW why your lonely but you may not be consciously processing the real reason (i.e. you see a jewelry commercial with love as the theme and miss that, feel lonely but think its because you want love, when really its what love represented or stimulated in you that made you happy that is the real reason for your loneliness).

If you start writing you will extract all the things you need out of your head (and distract your loneliness for a bit). What you want to do is ask yourself first a lot of questions. Some example probing questions that will help you write the perfect dissertation of why you feel lonely are:


Probe your mind for answers...



1. Why do I feel lonely? is it because I miss love? Miss being loved? Is it rooted in passion?


2. What kinds of things am I feeling when I feel lonely?


3. Is loneliness a sporadic thing or am I feeling it a bit compulsively?


4. Do I fantasize about past relationships and miss them or contrast how I felt "then" to how I feel "now", and this is what makes me feel alone?


5. What triggers me to feel lonely? Is it being home alone? Seeing love on commercials or TV? Do I miss love or do I miss people and groups I loved being in?


6. How is my self esteem? Can I be alone or do I need to feel someone else in my life to feel complete?


7. If I got into a relationship right now and fell in love with someone I feel is wonderful because they make me "feel" happy, and they dump me, how will this honestly impact me?


8. Will the way they dump me make a difference in my heart breaking or will it impact me different if their rude about it?


9. Can I just have friends around me? 


10. What makes me content?




Formatting your Q&A Session Helps You To Really Gain Insight



These are only a few, start asking a lot of questions and the brain will open up. Asking lays the foundation for the very way our brain accesses information. As you ask one question and receive an answer another question about that answer should take you deeper. For example:

Question: Why am I lonely?

Answer: Because I miss being loved

Question: (deeper down the rabbit hole): What is it about love I miss exactly?

Answer: Feeling appreciated

Question: why do I need to feel appreciated externally as opposed to appreciating myself?

Answer: Because it feels good

Question: What makes it feel good exactly?

Answer: I feel competent, worthy, and compelled to better myself

Question: Can I accomplish this through my own work and appreciating my writing, artwork or other creative expression?

Answer: absolutely!

This line of questioning leads me to realize I don't need a relationship to reach my goal, but rather need to find a way to express myself artistically so I feel appreciated, competent (owning a business selling my artwork?), and get a creative expression outlet.


What is a broken heart?



When we get into a relationship we start to enjoy a heightened sense of ourselves. Some get into a relationship to just feel themselves because they have no idea how to do this by themselves without a partner.

A broken heart is always self inflicted but we tend to see the external stimulus of our sadness as the culprit (I didn't say the broken heart was our fault but self inflicted meaning we got ourselves into it). If you enter a relationship because you can't be alone you are just begging to feel your heart break. Just the act of doing this makes you a leech of what your missing. Instead of learning to be alone you learn to become co-dependent on the other person for that void (to the point of it controlling your actions irrationally).

This doesn't resolve the problem, it only puts a band-aid on the wound, a dirty infectious filled band-aid at that. The wound gets better temporarily because we feel the relief the other person offers us, a bridge to our happiness but more so a distraction from our loneliness  We feel more confident in ourselves because that bridge that was elusive is now manifest in their attention towards us and we don't feel like were doing this alone.

What happens however is this causes the other person to subconsciously realize their being "used". Even if that's not your conscious intention that's exactly what your doing and it will drag the relationship into the gutter, especially if the other person is not using you, and is confident and fulfilled  trying to have a real relationship with you to enhance what he/she is not fulfill a missing piece of his/her soul.

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If You're Lonely

Because You Cannot Be Alone



If you cannot handle being alone and still feel content then you have no business getting into a relationship or trying to find love. Loneliness is not always a punishment; it just means you crave human contact and conversation. Being lonely and being desperate for love are two completely different animals. I am very content being alone, but I still enjoy the company of a companion.

When you feel desperate to feel loved you are being shown that you are lacking something about your self esteem that needs to be expressed and dealt with. NOT by going out and filling that void with another person.

A relationship is supposed to be the synergy of two souls together bettering each other, not two souls trying to fulfill an easy fix to their pain. If you enter a relationship without resolving your self esteem issues you will try to shoplift this lack from the other person. What makes this dangerous is you become highly addicted to and dependent on them for that "fix".

When they pull away you lose your self control and act out irrationally. You start to show it when you don't give them proper space. People can feel when others are leeching from them. I like to call this "Psychic vampirism" as it's a mental taking of their life force for selfish reasons and without permission.

When one or more people join to feel loved, not to love, it takes its toll very quickly depending on how deep the wound(s) go(es). When you enter into a relationship without leeching anything from the other, there is no desperation, there is self confidence, there is no needing them to do anything to "prove" their love for you. You're confident enough in yourself to accept it when it comes and to give it when you feel it, but "need" doesn't come into the equation.

A broken heart is usually the result of you leeching something and the drug of fulfillment being unplugged. You feel you NEED them to feel complete, and when they don't give you what you need, you feel a void.


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Signs That You're leeching love

  1. You get jealous if they even look at another person
  2. You get jealous if they have a stimulating conversation with someone
  3. You feel a need to be with them, not just a want
  4. They are your "world" (because your not seeing your own)
  5. You cannot spend time away from them (at all) without feeling sad or a desperate need to call them
  6. You do things against your comfort zone to please them
  7. You are willing to walk on eggshells for them
  8. You hold them to an unusually high esteem before you really know who they are
  9. You say I love you before you really get to know them well (thinking it is not as bad as we all feel deep infatuation and feel the word creep in, but if its a constant thing you think about and you barely know them its bad)
  10. You move very fast into the relationship afraid someone else will take them from you
  11. You chase them even if they don't chase you
  12. You don't let them chase you first
  13. You make rash decisions to be with them without thinking it through first (once or twice is fine but when its a redundant pattern it can be a sign)
  14. You let what they think of you change who you are, how you act, or what you think of yourself
  15. You don't feel comfortable being "yourself" completely around them, you fake to be what you think they want you to be.
  16. Your too competitive for their attention, i.e. if they talk to others more than you you get offended.
  17. You feel real physical withdraws when they're gone.
  18. You start doing things their way not yours, even if they tell you they like things you do and how you do it.
  19. Lacking self esteem if they break up with you or say they need space. Only feeling confident when they're there or only being able to be ambitious if they help or go over your work and say something positive about it.
  20. There are more but I think you get the idea


Awareness of the real problem is the cure


The cure to a broken heart is awareness. Time usually brings this but you can speed up the process by learning why you're hurting, how you did it to yourself, and what is causing you to feel so much pain.

If the pain is the withdraw of the other persons attention this simply means they were providing you with a plug to a void, and to cure your pain you have to patch up the gap in your self esteem.

Figure out what hurts the most, then write a couple paragraphs about the pain, what you miss, and why you think you miss it.

Becoming independent after a codependent relationship can be hard and is often the fuel for loneliness afterward.

Writing down how you feel unlocks the subconscious and eventually unveil the culprit of the missing piece. When you find it you can take a healthy stance and go out and get it by learning how to be confident or alone for example. Because who loves you more than you do? Who knows how to treat you better than you do? Who can take care of you better than you?

You don't need someone else's attention or love to feel happy. If you (think you) do then you're doomed from the start into any relationship. When you can keep your confidence and can say no to someone who infatuates you, because they have no respect for you, or are using you for their own fulfillment voids, then you're ready.

When you can be alone you learn to respect yourself to a degree that no one can break your shell, and your respect for yourself will not allow those who'd use you or treat you any less than you deserve, and with respect, to come near your heart.

Hiding or shelling your heart is not the answer. 

If both of you are in a real synergistic relationship you can walk away without a broken heart (relationship of convenience . If you've been with this person for years, you may have a different kind of broken heart but its the same when you boil it down, you've allowed yourself to become too comfortable in the relationship to a point where you've become fully dependent on them for something, be it happiness, security, or love.

Your fears of being alone are a sign that you need to work on yourself and your self esteem. If the very thought of your lover leaving you, cheating on you, or treating you with disrespect frightens you, realize this is a sign of a problem. It will also likely be the source of the reason you break up. People often fear being cheated on and then push their partner away because of all the accusations and lack of trust.

As for the disrespect it shouldn't frighten you it should anger you, their is a very distinct difference. If your lover disrespects you and you allow it because you're afraid they will leave you, you're in a compromising position and they own your soul.




I hope you found this useful. The bottom line is the more you adore yourself and discover how to live YOUR life not everyone else's idea of what your life should be (i.e. you are not required to be in love, get married, or even be wealthy to live a full and fulfilling life) the easier it will be to live with passion that makes it hard to feel lonely.

Updated: 12/18/2012, Jerrico_Usher
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