The Atheist's Guide to the Religion that is College Football

by AbbyFitz

A doorbell is a humorous way to enlighten the unbelievers to one of the most popular denominations in America: College Football.

The popularity of football ranks right up there with religion. It's even got its own unwritten "commandments" so to speak.

The first commandment is, "Thou shall not blaspheme thy neighbor's college football team."

In fact, attacking someone's favorite team is just about as bad as calling their baby ugly. In the realm of college football, I think the punishment is like, banishment from the man den camp for seven days or something.

Just like commercialism has taken over Christmas, companies have taken notice and waged an all-out battle for the oodles of money consumers spend on their favorite college football team gear.

How sacrilegious of them.

In the world of football, it's not weird at all to have your team's logo on mugs, t-shirts, heck, even toilet paper.

However, NuTone has given you, faithful NCAA followers, the Holy Grail of football fan gear: the College Pride doorbell.

So sit back, learn how the football faithful's mind works, and shop your heart away during halftime.

Oh, and, yes, we're fresh out of toilet paper.

2. Thou Shalt Keep thy Team's Icons on Public Display within thy Home

College football fans show their devotion by decking their house out with their team's merchandise.

I come from a long line of football nuts. As a child, I knew there was no hope of watching any of my Saturday shows during football season.

And as they say, if you can't beat them, join them, and I reluctantly got baptized into the Church of the First Down.

Daddy was a marvel. Back in the day, he could watch one game on TV, but listen to two other games on two different radios simultaneously. Even more amazing, he could tell you what was happening in all three games at any given time.

Of course, for every birthday, Christmas, or anniversary present, he was given some kind of object that had his favorite team emblazoned on it.

Daddy had a Gator mug and a Gator hat, but he would have killed to have had a Florida Gator doorbell that actually played the Gators' fight song.

University of Florida Gators Fight Song

Go Gators!

UF MP3 NuTone College Pride Doorbell

3. Honor thy Mother and thy Father's Football Team

Some fans like to get all up in your face with their favorite team.

The love of a football team is inherited. It's like a torch that gets passed down from generation to generation. It's accepted with an unspoken word, and the team is never questioned. To turn one's back on the family team is like selling your little brother.

It wasn't just my father who was a Gator fan. Huh-uh, it was the whole darn family. From Papa to Aunt Dorothy, Gators reigned supreme here in our little neck of the swamp.

But when they were handing out brains, apparently my Uncle Winston was in the Seminoles' line. He was the only member of the family that was an FSU fan.

If he'd have just liked the 'Noles, I think everyone could have lived with it. He had to go all the way and openly denounce the Gators.

When the Gators and FSU were playing each other, he wasn't above doing the arm chop in front of the television.

You can imagine how interesting things got after that point.

So technically I guess he violated Commandments #2 and #3.

Oh, my gosh, for that double violation, Uncle Winston is probably in some football purgatory now listening to reruns of the Steve Spurrier Show.

Florida State University Seminoles' War Chant

FSU MP3 Wireless Doorbell

4. Thou Shalt be Faithful to thy Team's Coach for Life

True football fans will party and tailgate for a great team. Well, until they go up against their home team, that is.

If college football is a religion, then the coaches are the disciples leading the teams and fans to the glory land that is the College Football Championship Game.

While fans may have small disagreements in how a particular coach does or doesn't lead their favorite team to victory, they remain fiercely loyal. Even when coaches move on to higher planes in their careers, fans generally follow them with blind faith, knowing that they truly have the good of the team in mind.

Saving grace came to the Gators in the early '90's with Steve Spurrier. He introduced weird moves into the Gators' playbook and led them to their first SEC win.

Steve then became the high priest of the Gator Nation. After that point, Daddy and Aunt Dorothy thought he could do no wrong. The man might as well have walked on water.

Then as suddenly as he appeared, he departed and eventually went to another team that needed his guidance: The South Carolina Gamecocks.

You'd think that devotees of the Gators would think this was an act of betrayal. However, the Gator Nation as a whole added the Gamecocks to their list of favorite teams. At one notch down from the Gators, of course.

USC Doorbell

Let your guests hear "Step to the Rear" every time there's someone at the door.

University of South Carolina Gamecocks Fight Song

Go Gamecocks!

5. Remember the Unbelievers, for they Shall Return unto Us

Even if the football athiests don't know it, deep inside, the love of football burns.

As fervent as fans follow the football through the goal posts, you'd think everyone would be a fan for life. Unfortunately, there are those who turn their back on the Church of the First Down.

Alas, forgive me, for I am a backslider.

After a childhood of having football crammed down my throat in the form of TV, the radio, and countless conversations about the greatest plays ever, I have *gasp* left the football fold.

After my father died, football just went by the wayside. I now live in a football-free zone. Sports channels don't even see the light of day on my television, and my eyes glaze over when I hear anyone even whisper the word football.

That hasn't stopped well-meaning family members from evangelizing the goodness of football to me, though.

Here's a typical conversation:

Them: "So did you watch the Gator game the other day?"

Me: ""

Them: "You know they're playing again this Saturday. It's supposed to be a good game. You should come over and watch it with me."

Me: "No. I've got stuff to do."

Them: "Like what?"

Me: "Just stuff, okay? Sheesh, what's with the third degree?"


Shh...don't tell them. Even though football is virtually off my radar, I have a confession to make. I still kind of like a team or two.

Maybe I'm a rebel, but I've always had a soft spot in my heart for the University of Georgia.

Man, hopefully this doesn't mean I'll end up in football purgatory with Uncle Winston for violating #3.

University of Georgia Bulldogs Fight Song

Go Dawgs!

University of Georgia Bulldogs Doorbell

Football is Waiting with Open Arms

Will you be ready to answer the door when the bell rings?

These five tenets of the football religion are words the faithful live by, and they take it seriously.

So next time a football fanatic starts telling you about how awesome their team is, just smile and nod understandingly.

You might not belong to the Church of the First Down now, but one day you may hear a football fight song and decide to come into the college football fold.

Go ahead and step inside, I promise the roof won't cave in on you.

More NCAA College Football Doorbells

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Updated: 04/14/2014, AbbyFitz
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Guest on 04/14/2014

Frank, I lived in student halls right across the road from the main entrance. Bricks through the windows of the kitchens were a common occurrance back then (early 90s). NUFC were not in the Premiership for most of my time in the city. One Saturday afternoon I emerged from the halls with my cane in one hand and a letter and my handbag in the other. Two mounted police moved to either side of me to escort me down the 100m to the corner against the flow of fans streaming in for a game. Even here in the East the cops line the road at the end of a home match so the fans don't mingle easily with the rest of us. I'm not a football 'fan'. I get annoyed when NUFC lose, and celebrate wildly when anyone beats Man U or Chelsea, as I have no time for those teams. Cycling and F1, on the other hand, I will go out of my way to watch, support, attend events, stand on the side of the road, go to races and so on.

frankbeswick on 04/14/2014

Football is the ancient name, but the game divided into various codes. American and Association football radically different ways. But the name remained.

We have people who take their football very seriously, too much in some cases. That is why when I am teaching I now refuse to tell children which team I support, because I will not feed the obsession. My fear is for boys who are so keen on being footballers that they neglect qualifications. I tell boys that in forty years teaching I have only met three boys who have made the grade as footballers, and none were especially successful.

One of my successes was talking a lad out of football hooliganism. He used to fight for United [United did not want this nonsense of course] but after he left he returned to school, sought me and said, "You were right, Sir, fighting is for mugs." Of course, a girlfriend,a child,a job and a few black eyes might have had something to do with the change of heart.

AbbyFitz on 04/14/2014

Sounds like y'all take your football seriously too lol

frankbeswick on 04/14/2014

Bricks through the window! I have lived a mile from Manchester United for thirty four years and I have never seen any trouble.

AbbyFitz on 04/13/2014

Wow, you sound like a real fan. I've always wondered why Americans didn't come up with a more original name for the game instead of copying the name of the British version. I guess we were just plain spiteful lol

Guest on 04/13/2014

I had that with Formula 1 in the day with my dad. Now I'm the racing fan and my parents not so much. Football to me means soccer and there is only one team: Newcastle United, playing in black and white out of St James' Park. Not SportsDirect Stadium or whatever Mike Ashley wanted to call it. No. Just NO MISTER ASHLEY. 'Kay? Not that I watch many games these days because, well, Premiership football is overpaid and overhyped, to be honest, but I lived across the road from the ground for two years so some things become a habit. Like breathing again when the cheers from the ground told you the right team had scored. No bricks through the window that night, if we were lucky.

AbbyFitz on 04/13/2014

I feel for you. After all those years living around daddy, I know just enough about football to be dangerous

ologsinquito on 04/13/2014

You've just about summed it up. I am familiar with college football because I happen to live with a fanatic who watches all the televised games, and then some.

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