Grief Rituals

Key to dealing with loss, moving through the myriad emotions that accompany grief, and honouring that which must be let go, is finding meaningful ways to ground yourself and find stability. And this can be done through ritual.

As mentioned above, rituals come in all shapes and sizes, and can be as unique as is an individual. It is not necessarily helpful to look at someone else's life to decide what might be meaningful and helpful to you.

So, if you're dealing with loss and are looking for rituals or activities that will help you focus, cope, and process, how do you decide what to focus on?

To use an example from my own life, I'll demonstrate the process I went through to put my situation into perspective. I began developing some serious problems with my knees and feet in my early 20's that greatly impacted my physical life and my identity. I had been an extremely active person, and the realization that my life was going to have to change drastically was devastating to me.  I categorized important rituals in my life (and I'll provide one for each of the above categories):

Stabilizing Ritual - Still Possible

I started every morning with a pot of tea. I realized I had come to associate preparing and consuming a hot beverage that had been introduced to me by my grandmother with a private moment during which I could plan my day. This was a ritual that was meaningful, and still possible - a way to keep stability in my life as I made adjustments to other parts of my identity.

Stabilizing Ritual - Not Possible Unless Modified

I'm an emotional eater, and it can often seem ritualistic. My day sucks, so I get some chocolate. Suddenly, things look a lot better, and I feel calmer. It is not something related to or that came out of my high activity levels. I have always been that way. With the onset of my serious knee problems, I realized that my food rituals were going to have to be adjusted.

Ritual Directly Related to Loss - Not Possible Anymore

I used to run alone in the evenings regardless of the weather. Running represented freedom and health to me, and I felt in control and vigourous both before and after. This ritual was directly tied to my identity as a runner and active person, and it had been taken from me. I would have to find ways to honour that loss, if possible.

It's very common when dealing with loss and trauma to withdraw. Social contact may lessen, going out may lessen, familiar routines may be set aside. But it is at these times, especially, that those activities that promote stability and familiarity should be maintained.

After you've done an analysis like the one outlined above, try to hold onto some of the simpler activities or rituals. Having something to look forward to that will give you no surprises is really important so that you can garner your energy to face the tougher things during your period of healing. Being able to say, "I have no idea what I'm going to do next, but at least I can count on a pot of tea in the morning." is not a bad thing when you're first getting your bearings.

This is the harder part. Some rituals are directly associated with a difficult-to-accept loss. It may seem easier to ignore it or put off dealing with it until 'tomorrow'.

Instead of seeing a loaded activity as a painful reminder, find a way to turn the ritual into something that puts the loss to rest and honours it in a way so that you can move forward into new identity development.

Those who've lost a loved one may decide to make a yearly donation to the person's favourite charity as a ritual that honours them and allows forward movement in healing. One who has a loss of capacity may modify their bi-annual running shoe shopping ritual to one that allows for the purchase of walking shoes. Instead of closing off that part of one's life, identity is adjusted to accommodate the loss, and forward movement becomes possible.

As mentioned above, ritual - a set of activities designed to create ties - are often completely unique to an individual, and it is up to that individual to chose activities that are meaningful and that represent the identity he or she wishes to have.