The Worst Buddhist Ever

I wouldn’t go near a Baptist Church when I got older. Not that all Baptists are bad people, but my experiences were not good.  I tried Methodist since they were nearby. They had a fantastic minister. The congregation kicked him out for his views and almost “spiritual” services. I left right after he did.

As I got older, I started reading about Hinduism and Buddhism and Theosophy, which I didn’t really get. I practiced yoga and meditated for a while. Then I’d start to forget to do it. So I drifted on. 

I started reading books about and by Native Americans. The book, Black Elk Speaks by John G. Nehardi really struck a chord with me. I read it several times along with Fools Crow by Frank Fools Crow and Thomas Mails.

I read Pathways by Thomas Mails which outlines some ceremonies that are acceptable for anyone to do and Rainbow Tribe: Ordinary People Journeying on the Red Road by Ed McGaa. I was so taken by his book I wrote him a letter and he even answered me.

 I came to realize, however, that no matter how much I related to the tales and teachings of Native Americans, I was not a Native American and there was no church to join. I could never learn all there was to know from books. In fact, some Native Americans don’t like sharing their religion with outsiders. I kept what I could and sadly drifted on.

I read a lot about Wicca and Druids. Some of my best friends have gone this path. There are so many groups that it would seem that I could find my niche, but, sadly, I didn't fit here either. As much as I believed some of the same principles, there was always some little concept that just didn't feel right. Once again, I kept what made sense and wandered away.

I read up on the Qabalah. That really impressed me. Some of the teachings fit right in with what I had been learning. It just was so complicated. I couldn't really grasp it and there were no teachers nearby. 

I would have loved to have gone to a Quaker service, but they were hard to find. They were always an hour or more away from me.

When I lived in New England I was always close to the Christian Science Church. They have a great newspaper, but I’m not totally sure I’d be a real believer. I’d love to visit a spiritualist service too but I’m not sure about that either.  

Once again I began to read about Buddhism. It seems you can be a Buddhist and still believe in any religion - as long as it holds love and compassion to be the essence of happiness.

Some say it's not even a religion but a philosophy. I read books by the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh. 

I read some history and biographies and interviews with practitioners. I’m certainly no expert, but  there seemed to be a variety of beliefs and practices. I could find just about any tradition that made sense to me yet the main message according to the well-known Dali Lama is love and compassion. I could agree with that.

It’s hard to believe but there is actually a Buddhist retreat center in the little town of  Willis, Texas. The monk who runs it is on an indefinite tour according to his blog. 

I tried again to meditate daily. I tried sitting and walking meditations  Unfortunately, I think I’m the “worst Buddhist ever” as someone on a web site said. I keep forgetting to meditate. I don’t know what else I should be doing. I did do a chant for 40 days but I did have to get out of bed a couple of times when I remembered just before falling asleep.

I don’t know where this journey is going to take me. I have to believe that I am a spiritual person. I see beauty around me in growing plants, and birds and butterflies. I try to be grateful for the blessings I do have. I try to be kind to others even when they really tick me off. I do believe there is something greater than we can even know. Someday I hope to understand. As the old song goes,

“Farther along, we’ll know more about it;

Farther along, we’ll understand why;

Cheer up my sister, Live in the sunshine;

We’ll understand it all bye and bye.”