7 Things About Modern Life That Make Me Want to Run Screaming for the Nearest Desert Island

I'm beginning to wonder if a large proportion of the world's population now thinks that Carly Simon wrote a song about them. 

But the sorry fact is camera phones can't possibly have made everybody vain. Vanity must have always been rife, 'selfies' (and even the word makes me wretch a little), are just an outlet for it. 

It's one of those things I really do not understand. And let me clarify here, I'm not talking about a self-taken photograph where you and the love of your life are posing in front of the Eiffel Tower, although what happened to asking an amiable passer-by? Perhaps we're all too paranoid about getting our cameras or phones stolen.

Anyway, what I'm really talking about are those in-the-mirror 'Look at me, look at me!' pictures. 

Often, these are accompanied by certain facial expressions. I'm reliably informed that the 'duck' is particular popular.

Have lives really become so vacuous that people consider this a great pastime? And what is there to be gained? An ego stroke when a few friends 'like' the snap or write, 'Lookin' gr8, babe!'? It is truly beyond me.  

On the subject of narcissism...

I think my aversion to Facebook stems from a belief that it has two fundamental purposes: to incite envy, and to incite schadenfreude. With relatively few exceptions, that's what Facebook usage is all about.

Do I have a Facebook account? Yes. Do I post things about my life? No. Do I post pictures? No (because I don't like the fact that Facebook owns anything posted on its pages). I use it, mainly, to keep in touch with friends that I no longer see.

Although, frankly, even for that, it's not the most effective tool. I know that one of my friends has just bought a new house, and that another is getting married in a little over a month. But I still haven't actually spoken to them...I haven't even written. I just know what's going on their lives, because they want the rest of the world to know.

It feels like we're in closer touch, yet we're not really. In fact, we're probably less so. Because all I know of them is what they want to share publicly, which is usually the good stuff, as they want people to envy their fabulous lives! 

Facebook is a bit like a litmus test: how is my life compared with other people's? 'Well, Fred has just got divorced, so I'm doing better than him. But Jim is going backpacking around Australia...what a show-off!'

And, if that weren't enough of a reason to dislike Facebook. There are always 'those' types of users. You know the ones I mean:

• The obsessive moms (or dads), who think everyone is as interested in their offspring as they are.
• The brides-to-be, who feel the need to constantly count down the days until 'their special moment'.
• The dirty laundry airers - I realize you want to humiliate your ex because he cheated on you, but you're not coming off well in all this. What happened to dignified silence?
• The people who wouldn't have spat on you if you were on fire in high school, but 'add' you as a friend
• The passive aggressives - 'wow, you look....different! lol!'
• The big fat opinions - for some people, Facebook is their soapbox, and by golly can they spout some revealing things. Not all of them pretty.

You really do know you're getting old when the youngsters' fashion starts to annoy the heck out of you. Truth is, low-slung pants isn't that new a phenomenon. There were plenty of people wearing sagging jeans when I was in my late teens and throughout my twenties - and I didn't like them then, either.

I have no interest in seeing a stranger's underwear. Plus, not only do low-slung pants look sloppy, but also there is the constant need to yank them up before gravity claims them completely.

A little research suggests that this particular 'fashion' came from prisons: when the recently incarcerated would have their belts taken from them. If this is true, it's probably the only fashion statement that's worked its way from jail cell to mainstream.

Can you imagine this catching on, for example?

I just....What?!

Seriously, if anybody reading this watches (and enjoys), scripted reality television, please explain it to me, because the appeal complete passes me by.

I think this is probably linked to scripted reality TV, because there always seems to be a fair amount of stupidity in those shows. The program makers love it, because it pulls in the audiences; we like to laugh at someone who's not very bright, and we also like to be made to feel intelligent by comparison.

But that has an unpleasant knock-on effect: kids (and perhaps some adults), think that stupid is, therefore, a route to fame.

You no longer have to have a talent or skill to be famous. You can be famous for nothing. That fame won't last long, of course, but that doesn't matter. Any fame at all is a good thing, because...well 'cause it just is.

Now, I realize there is a contradiction in wanting a desert island and complaining about the lack of person-to-person contact we have these days. But I'm not really going to get my desert island, so just go with me. 

I'm not grumbling so much about the lack of human contact in my own life. What troubles me are the things I see around me: mothers jabbing at iphones while they walk with their kids; friends checking their Twitter instead of engaging in conversation over lunch; people not enjoying their fancy meal at 'such-and-such' restaurant, because they're too busy tagging that location to their Facebook status.

It's as though, for some people, their online life has superseded their real one. Rather than living, we're much more focused on convincing everyone else that we've got glamorous and exciting existences. 

And I guess, more than anything else, that's just sad.   

Not wishing to sound melodramatic, but we are doomed.

More and more of us are occupying the planet; a little bit like a parasite let's be honest, and we're consuming more and more of Earth's resources.

Most of us know that can't go on indefinitely, but most of us are also pretty blasé, because we figure it won't happen on our watch. 

Maybe it won't. Then again, maybe it will.

Our weather should be the cause of much concern, and so should the number of people going hungry in the world.

It certainly looks, to me, like the human race hasn't got that much longer. But, who knows, maybe Cicero would have said the same thing!