Zombie Gnomes for your Garden

by JoHarrington

Imagine a garden display, framed by beautiful flowers and greenery, wherein you can enact the Zombie Apocalypse with undead garden gnomes. Great, isn't it?

The Zombie Apocalypse is coming. The whole internet knows it. We've seen it on the silver screen enough. We know what this entails.

But have you actually practiced the defense of your home? When the lumbering undead surround your family, will you have your escape routes planned?

Zombie garden gnomes allow you to visualize this scene in your own backyard - or frontage, if you want to demonstrate emergency proceedings to the neighbors. It's a matter of safety, for you and all you love. Come and look at the gnome zombies.

Emergency Preparedness for the Zombie Apocalypse

Image: Garden GnomeOther people have pretty garden gnomes. They grin back with jolly faces, fishing, standing, pushing wheelbarrows.  It's all very lovely, but is it practical?

Emergency preparedness is a duty for all good adults. When the worst occurs, they want to know that they have done their best by their families. For the children and vulnerable elderly, this protection is a responsibility.

And what could be worse than the Zombie Apocalypse? 

When the Undead come for your family's brains, walk out to meet them in the reassuring knowledge that you shall do your best. You've already tested every scenario with your garden gnomes.

This home is defended!

Crawling Undead 7" Zombie Garden Gnome

During the Zombie crisis, this would be full-sized and human. Well, recently human.

Hand-painted and treated for outdoors display, this crawling zombie gnome will demonstrate quite thoroughly the danger to your home.

It might not be able to move very fast (not least because it's made out of cold cast resin), but when it does arrive, its peeling eye will be firmly fixed upon your family's grey matter.

Stare it down and contemplate at your leisure how you could defeat it. Then you won't be so scared if this reality should play out. Your emergency procedure will be automatic and enacted with precision cool.

Garden Gnome Zombie

Zombie Gnome Statue

Of course, not every zombie will be crawling slowly across the lawn. That scenario only plays out if the undead being has lost the use of its lower regions.

Most will be shuffling onerously towards your front door on their own two feet. George Romero's movies have warned us endlessly about this threat. This is how most of them look!

The second zombie gnome for your garden also helps you prepare for a rarer eventuality. What would YOU do if a lumbering undead brought a skeletal frog with them?  No! You hadn't thought of that, had you?!

Zombie Gnomes Feasting on a Pink Garden Flamingo

It's all enough to make a grown adult weep. But we HAVE to face up to these horrific scenes, if we hold out any hope of surviving the Zombie Apocalypse.

A pink flamingo is a common statue for your lawn. Here you can incorporate that theme into your own Zombie Apocalypse garden display.

This popular and pretty ornament conceals a serious message. In the event of the Zombie Apocalypse, your slavering neighbors won't be feasting upon the plastic pinkness. This would be your family dog. Your child. Your grandmother!

So place the tableau with care and use it to consider what you'd do. How could you sneak up upon them and save your loved ones? A terrible responsibility, to be sure, but one that we all have to be mindful to meet.

Zombie Man Gnome

Zombie Woman Gnome

We've been acting upon the assumption here that the zombie hordes were all strangers, besieging your property and hungering for those huddling in your home. That's not necessarily so.

The terrible truth is that the undead looming at your door might well be grandma or grandad! Or what's left of them. There are all kinds of emotional reactions tied up with fending them off with a cricket bat. After all, you would likely be quite sad about having to take your zombie grandparents down.

These man and woman zombie gnomes help you to mentally prepare for such horrible outcomes.

Zombie Survivor Garden Gnome

This is you. You might not have the beard or hat (and it's a wardrobe error if you don't have the latter), but this brave gnome will nevertheless represent you.

By now, you are probably panicking, drenched in a cold sweat over the hard truths of the Zombie Apocalypse. Maybe you've sussed that you're not nearly as prepared as you should have been. Your home and family are in danger.

But panic ye not.  There's still time. Zombies are invading our shopping malls only in a strictly metaphorical sense. And your undead garden display will contain an element of hope. You.

Well, you as interpreted within the genre of a hero garden gnome zombie survivor. 

Look at that axe!  Traditional zombie fighting equipment that. It will all be ok. Just position your zombie survivor gnome in various places around your garden, so you can use it to visualize your strategies.

Once the actual Zombie Apocalypse hits, you will have your tactics down pat. Won't that be a wonderful relief? And besides, nobody ever said that you wouldn't have back up.

Scarface Garden Gnome

Gnome with a Gun

Military garden gnomes can symbolize the higher authorities in your nation. This will be the moment when the marines are scrambled to rescue your beleaguered home. 

You were only ever defending your hearth until they arrived, weren't you? At least, in theory.

On the other hand, I can't imagine the Mafia going quietly under the onslaught of the zombie hordes. They're heavily armed and organized too. In fact, they'd be perfectly positioned to take over in the post-Apocalyptic world.

This Scarface garden gnome will help you plan your long-term survival strategies, on top of the knee jerk immediate crises of the Zombie Apocalypse.

And that's it!  Once you have all of these gnomes dotted about your garden, your emergency preparedness is bound to follow swiftly on. Then you can rest assured that you, and your family, will continue until the bitter end.  Well done! (And good luck...)

Complete your Garden Tableau with more Zombie Gnomes

Thumbs Up! Zombie Crawler Garden Gnome

Don't drag your feet with this guy around! The Zombie Gnome's afflicted cousin is a crawler!! Hot on the heels - literally - of the original Zombie Gnome comes this crawler gnome zombie...

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Thumbs Up! Zombie Garden Gnome

This infected ornament will have your friendly garden gnomes running for cover. Made from handcrafted terracotta and weather-resistant paint, the Zombie Gnome will brave the ele...

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Zombie Gnome Bits Scary Halloween Party Garden Decor

It looks like these zombies are about to become fertilizer in your garden. A head here, a hand there...these creepy zombie lawn ornaments are a great way to dress up your lawn f...

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Zombie Garden Gnome - Gned the Blue Gnombie

Part garden gnome, part reanimated dead body, Gnombie is a unique, limited edition collectible and display piece. Mini Gnombie is 6" in height and lovingly molded in polyresin. ...

View on Amazon

Updated: 01/24/2014, JoHarrington
 
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JoHarrington on 12/16/2013

LOL I love it!

cmoneyspinner on 12/16/2013
JoHarrington on 12/16/2013

And whatever you do, don't blink.

cmoneyspinner on 12/16/2013

LOL x2. I've watched many Doctor Who episodes. It's not the gnomes who do the stalking. :)

JoHarrington on 12/16/2013

Jenny - I don't think you'll be laughing when the Zombie Apocalypse comes, and you belatedly wish you'd prepared for it!

Dustytoes - Yes, zombie gnomes! The best thing ever for practicing emergency strategies for the oncoming zombie crisis. *nod nod* Poor pink flamingo.

cmoneyspinner - They sit in your garden looking at you. For anyone else but garden gnomes, that would be stalking.

cmoneyspinner on 12/16/2013

I don't know what it is about gnomes - creepy, pretty, zombie, etc. I love those little guys! :)

dustytoes on 12/16/2013

Well, of course - zombie gnomes! My favorite is the flamingo - too funny.

Jenny on 12/16/2013

This is hilarious!

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