More Stuff You Can Buy for Me

by nicomp

Christmas has come and gone. I got what I wanted. Now I want more.

Except for the family that got arrested on New Years Eve, everyone in our neighborhood has taken down their decorations. The holidays are over. Once proud Christmas trees dot the landscape, forming ersatz landfills. Spent cardboard boxes commemorate recent gifts as they patiently wait at the curb for the recycling truck.
I've eaten all my cheese logs and peppermint sticks. It's a little sad but not really: there's always a new batch of presents to look forward to.


It's cold where I live, as far as you know.

Having earned, like, 15 cents on Wizzley, I find myself obligated to get up and go to work on a continuing basis. Congress will only renew those unemployment benefits for so long until the Bank of China pulls the plug. I need a reliable set of hand covers to swathe my typing fingers as I head off to wrest financial benefits from evil rich business owners. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there and my fingers look too much like Vienna Sausages.

BMW Travel Mug

Asking for gifts is thirsty work...

At the zenith of the epitome of German performance automobile manufacturers with three letters rests BMW, or something like that. BMW performance vehicles don't arrive in the driveway cheaply: simply a travel mug will be sufficient. Thank you in advance for a place to ensconce my mocha latte with extra foam. Each time I tip warm stimulating liquid into my pie hole I will think of you. It's guaranteed not to dribble onto my new gloves, which you may also have purchased for me.

Personal Pedal Exerciser

I have a long way to go and a short time to get there

Tucked under my desk are my set of atrophying legs. Typing Wizzley articles keeps my upper body slim and trim, but all my legs do is twitch. A personal peddling device represents my opportunity to maintain the figure I maintained throughout my Olympic silver medal journey, as far as you know. I can spin and compose at the same time even as I sip from my BMW travel mug. It's the best of both worlds.

Alabma Hoodie

I might need to go to a wedding in Tuscaloosa

I did receive many thoughtful apparel choices for Christmas, but Alabama hoodies were not well represented. You now have the opportunity to remedy my situation with just a few clicks of your mouse. Operators are standing by.

This particular hoodie can be worn by fans of all ages, genders, and political affiliations. There are two types of people in Alabama: those who have a closet full of Alabama gear and those who are watching their double-wide burn down as they cradle their BMW travel mug in their soot-stained hands.

Campus Colors NCAA Adult Arch & Logo Gameday Hooded Sweatshirt

When the weather gets cool, keep your Crimson Tide loyalty hot! The Alabama Crimson Tide Arch & Logo Game Day Hooded Sweatshirt is just what you need! This cotton/polyester flee...

View on Amazon


If your wonder gets dirty, here's the solution

It sits on the counter next to the microwave and the BMW travel mug. You drop in your Alabama hoodie, add a little soap, and go back to watching C-SPAN. In no time at all your clothes come clean. It's easy to use and cheap to purchase, like Congress. Your tuxedo will be ready for the hoedown in just a few minutes.

The Laundry Alternative Wonderwash Non-electric Portable Compact Mini Washing Machine

A hand-powered, portable washer that can clean your clothes in a flash, the revolutionary Wonder Wash is the next generation in green, cleaner laundry alternatives. And thanks t...

View on Amazon


Images courtesy of / nongpimmy

Updated: 01/19/2013, nicomp
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JeanBakula on 01/07/2013

I like your idea of the pedal exerciser. I get tendonitis from being online too much, and worry I'm not getting enough lower body exericse sitting here so much!

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