What to buy for your Fake Girlfriend

by nicomp

Shopping for that imaginary ingenue in your life becomes problematic. We're here to help.

Sure, you can use her misfortune to bolster your public image. Certainly 'she' causes everyone to feel sorry for you when she fake-dies. It's all sadness and misery until intrepid reporters actually try to locate the death certificate. Your image fades faster than Tim Tebo's career. Take a look at our comprehensive list of gifts for the perfect fake girlfriend.


Make her pretty, for sure.

Without question your fake girlfriend should be attractive. Since imaginary people rarely have photographs, you'll want to deploy quality image editing software to fill in the gaps. Photoshop offers the industry standard in realistic human likeness touch-ups. Start with a Clinique ad or base your artwork on the graffiti outside your apartment building: either way you'll be able to conjure up a world-class beauty that inspires jealousy up and down the high fashion runways.


She smelled really nice, as far as you can remember

Sometimes, while standing in line at Chipotle, you'll catch a whiff of something. You'll be reminded of the fake girlfriend that you once knew and loved before she got sick and fake-died or ran off to join the fake-circus. You need some really string perfume about which you can reminisce. Her ostensible signature scent will help you while away those lonely Winter nights waiting for her to not call you back because she fake-died. 

Grass Seed

Everyone's dream sequence requires running barefoot through a field

You and your spiritual life-partner who never actually existed built boatloads of memories flitting merrily through fields of green grass. Plant the real thing: if she didn't actually fake-die then you both will need a place to prance. Grasp her hand and lead her across meadows of high-quality turf that you could actually play football on, if you just happen to be a collegiate middle linebacker aspiring to be drafted into the NFL. It could happen. 

Phone case

Contrived people need phones, too.

Real or not, everyone needs a place to safely ensconce their mobile phone. Even made-up people are saddled with long-term calling plans and devices that are out of warranty. You wouldn't want your fake girlfriend to damage her phone while strolling between classes at Stanford, or some other university at which she has supposedly matriculated.


Virtual folks need to maintain a healthy immune system

Vitamins and minerals form the foundation of health for real people even if they are fake. You wouldn't want your contrived cutie to suffer from fake scurvy or imaginary bone density loss. Provide her with plenty of vital nutritional supplements so she can keep up with you throughout your faux relationship.

Updated: 01/17/2013, nicomp
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