Building Rapport With Anyone By Design - The Incredible Power Of Language Beneath The Surface

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I want to give you a powerful look into what true charisma and rapport is and how language can change everything simply by becoming aware of it's inherent power, (and much more).
I want to make one thing clear:

This is not because I try to use big words or because I read a lot of books and learned some lingo used in professional writing (although I started out thinking that was the way to learn) but because I completely understand the power my words, actions, and body language project.

I'm going to share where I started my journey to learn this myself and some of the power tools (like Tarot cards, books, etc...) I used to sharpen my skill set to the degree that my words carry some weight.

I'm amazed by how/why we often just use words that "make sense" in the moment or that somehow have become associated with a term because we saw it defined (perceptively) on TV, when someone said it socially, or that we read somewhere and simply because it sounded "cool" to say.

Most people don't think about this and often times even use things incorrectly- even becoming discredited "silently" by others who don't tell us that they think your trying to be something your not. They do this because often they are no different and don't want to be "outed" by bringing attention to their own words said in ignorance of it's meaning or how to wield it properly.

Taking language for granted is the fastest way to lose credibility and it really wields you no power in using your words if you're just "using" them like a means to an end instead of throwing power behind them and sculpting them for specific purposes. Choose your words carefully. This is not to say you can't relax, but there is a time to focus and a time to relax.

Taking your words for granted is like trying to learn karate from watching movies but not studying the moves, theory behind them (energy/chi) and the like.

You'll imitate the moves but in reality someone who took the time to learn it fully will kick your gluteus maximus!

Famous public speakers have long held the hearts and minds of those who listen to their message. Their message is not merely thrown together- it's sculpted.

The best writers out there with an avid reader base that passes links back to their articles are not an accident.They purposefully use their words to their most potent power- because they know what every word they spout means, how to use it both correctly and powerfully, and even what words will convey what they want to say the most punctually but potently.

We rarely question why we say things, we simply say them if they "seem" like the right thing to say or the most potent thing to say to achieve whatever goal we have in mind- often subconsciously.

Rapport is a POWERFUL way to relieve "stranger" anxiety. If you can master "instant rapport" you can instantly make someone feel comfortable around you to the point that they will feel like, somehow, your a member of their realm, their group, and/or their inner circle- even if they realize your not, then you can get along with just about anyone in just about any situation.

Speaking their language shows you're (likely) in a similar world and are far more likely to understand them. It's flattering that you want to be like them. It's not a stand alone concept, there are other variables such as body language, using lingo correctly, and even things like the way you dress, the tone of your voice, speed of your speech, the "vibe" they get from you (which is also generated by their perceptions of your intentions.

They may not realize why but they will feel more comfortable around you and conversation spawning from rapport, starts flowing like a river. Sometimes it just peaks their curiosity, but any way you carve it, your in, at least past the first "outsider" filter.

The feeling I got in awareness opening up was akin to that scene on that movie "The Matrix" part I where Neo first woke up and had a thousand needles poked in to every part of his body hooked up to micro-electric currents to wake up his muscles from atrophy and Morpheus was standing there,

"The answers are coming neo"

Then he woke up and said :

"why do my eyes hurt?"

to which Morpheus replied:

"Because you've never used them before!"

 (see video below if you haven't seen the Matrix or if you want a refresher clip)

In Leil Lowndes's book "how to talk to anyone about anything" she proves this distinction (that language is power) by mapping out the most predominant career fields (as many define who they are by what they do) and listing the "inside lingo" used in each one.

I'd ask my girlfriend what her parents did for a living, what her brothers or sisters interests were and would (in my head) compile this data to use to study the lingo in all those areas.

I came to find this is an amazingly powerful piece of information to have (lingo list) and I would instantly build rapport with different people weaving in and out of different lingo sets (this is normal but often undetected amongst family members, kids talk one way, parents another, younger kids one way, older kids another... 

Although all these different language/lingo sets exist within a single family, it's an eco system that works synergistically together because there is a cohesive rapport built due to the amount of time they spend with one another. In a group of people that don't live together this can also happen but it's much harder (nothing is forcing you to compromise and get along but your adoration for each other right?).

Usually this happens with a cohesion factor involved such as common interests beyond your normal life (work environment for example or some common interest that threads various people together into a single lingo set- the group mentality is formed).

It was quite a task to pull off being the new person in the room but with practice and learning the nuances of the various groups you become a master at "Carmelia Lingo Performance". It makes everyone comfortable and to onlookers, your one charismatic person!

This doesn't happen overnight though- I didn't really truly feel accepted until after a few dinners, but I didn't know then what I know now either.

Doing this enough times builds a communication skill-set that is unbelievably empowering. You learn to work all the styles of people in a room into a single set using the common denominators.
If your able to bounce around you can merge out of that (broad strokes) and into an individuals own lingo just by listening to them talk.

Listening alone and asking them to talk about themselves (not directly) alone builds rapport! We tend to like those interested in us.

This is no different from speaking softly to attract a mate, breaking into social slang to not look like an outsider, or switching into professional lingo to impress your potential boss at a job interview- it's just more "honed" so you can do it with anyone, anywhere, and can instantly merge into anyone's comfort zone.

In time you can merge back into your own style and, ironically, they will adopt some of YOUR lingo if they like and respect you so it will all pan out in the end. Remember you don't have to "play a role", just use mirroring (terminology etc they use personally) to break the ice. Ultimately they will have to have something in common with you to sustain the rapport.

This will become in time, your own comfort zone and you (at least this was my experience) will adopt the practice of paying closer attention to people (and speaking to them in their language) - much like one would switch languages when talking to different people who didn't speak english (if that's your native tongue).

Let's dive into some tools you can use to sharpen your rapport building skill set through learning to focus, pay attention to detail, and practice shuffling your thought stream and laying it out like cards so you can make visual sense of the data in your head. This is where it gets interesting:

Tarot cards are merely images that invoke emotional responses in a way that helps you to organize your thoughts.

If you ask a question your focusing on a specific segment of what you want to know. By memorizing what the cards mean (to you) and how they "answer" your question by categorizing your thinking and forcing you to think in a certain spectrum (each card is merely a small piece of human existence personified) you essentially will find the answer that is already in your head!

Read The Fools Journey Story To Really Comprehend How NOT Psychic, And Actually Practical These Cards Really Are. This Is The Site From Which I Discovered The True Meaning Of Tarot.

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To Quote The Page's Summation Before The Story:

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"The Fool's Journey is a metaphor for the journey through life. Each major arcana card stands for a stage on that journey - an experience that a person must incorporate to realize his wholeness."

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Tarot is simply a technology, a skill set learned using images that have been developed with psychology and how we process our own imagery (in our head)- in mind (no pun intended).

- One of my favorite quotes:

"Technology That Is Sufficiently Advanced Is Indistinguishable From Magic"

This reminds me that magic is just the ignorance of "how" something is done, and the lack of my own ability (for now) to do it, or do it at will without thinking about it. A cave man would interpret a lighter as magic, for example, because he wouldn't comprehend the mechanics of how it all works.

In reality, in Tarot readings,  your answering your own question and the images are merely helping you focus. Doing a reading for another is just a blend of their reactions, what they say, what and how they form their question (often the answer lay in the question itself!), and how they respond to your defining what the cards say to you (focus opens your awareness).

It's interesting to note that this is the same pattern you use when reading people so you can apply terms in their own lingo!

The true irony of the Tarot cards is that ALL of the cards will speak to ANY situation. What card comes up doesn't really matter. It's the way the card's meaning, the interpretation the person "reading" it gives it, unlocks the minds ability to compartmentalize their thoughts through focus.

The card itself simply pulls from one of life's many dualities. It's placement in the reading categorizes it which helps the reader further focus on the answer to their question (which lay in their mind not the card itself). When you break it down it's a way to learn to focus better and for the person doing someone elses reading it's a way to learn to read people better (through practice).

Over time the person develops a "general" meaning of each card (i.e. doing self readings is how you practice and get good at this) based on the psychological principals inherent in the pictures design. Tarot books are only a guide to help you understand the psychological position of each card, but in time you will redefine what that card means, it's a very personal experience. The cards can be used to help you unearth the mud in your thought stream and push the "answer" to the front of your consciousnesses.

The cards are essentially a powerful tool for focus and interpretation of your thoughts when your mind is muddied by various factors from stress to bad filters built up based on negative experiences, to emotional turmoil that makes it hard to see the forest for the trees- so to speak.

There is always a "conversation" about what you tell someone your reading for that you see- this is your instincts conjuring up your memories and mental resources to try to figure out the answer, but it's mainly them talking and your paying acute attention to how they respond to what you say about the cards that actually extract the answer from the person your reading.

In other words- it's much the same as them sitting on a sofa and a psychologist asking them questions then compiling some observations based on what they know about human psychology and their experience. This is less involved and more about paying attention and letting them answer their own question through clarity. (so it's really a clarity exercise)

I don't know if you've ever been to a psychologist but 99% of the time they ask you "probing" questions and YOU are the one who usually comes up with the answer to what ails you. The cards are like the psychologists focused questions in a way, and you derive your "in-sight" the same way.

I often did this to pass the time when I was a manager at Wal-Mart (wost job I ever had) in the break room. Most employees there were so stressed out that this (tarot) made for some great conversations.

People would sit in the break room and not talk at all- just sit there looking sad (and hungry). I wanted to sharpen my Tarot skills so I brought my deck in and a book I'd refer to (at first). Someone inevitably would see the book and cards and would want me to try a reading on them, I know I'd ask if it were the other way around!

They knew I was just learning, but I have always had a strong intuition- one of the things that makes this easier to learn, and so I just "went with my gut" when trying to explain what I saw- the amazing thing was that most of the time they said, "that makes sense because ___", the blank being whatever information they offered up to make sense of what I saw... that then became the catalyst to them opening their mind to new possibilities (which are just the actual truth that's hidden behind emotions, problems, overwhelm or whatever it is that stopped them from seeing it before!)

... and the information started to surge- which helped me to utilize my years of human psychology training to help them find solutions to easily fixable problems- often just them admitting there was a problem was a great road block dissolver (living in denial blocks information).

It was then that it clicked that this innocent game of picture cards could be a catalyst for giving advice because it enticed people to ask.

My advice or what I saw in the reading wasn't anything specific, just things like, ah the tower is in the "block" position- the tower meaning "drastic and swift changes that could feel terrifying or overwhelming (depicted by the lightening slamming into a castle roof and people falling out of it)- not a negative card just one that depicts something sudden likely happened, I'd say simply, has something happened recently that shook you up or something sudden that you weren't prepared for?

Everyone knows that if you give someone advice they didn't ask for it falls upon def ears- but in the case of Tarot, most people are fascinated (because they don't know enough about them to not think they are magic!) and this gave me an "in"- instant rapport- you'd be surprised how much information people will volunteer just from doing a reading and telling them what you see (what i see is not so much the cards but their question and reactions to what I say about any given card).

I was once sitting in a doctors office waiting room waiting for my girlfriend at the time to get a basic checkup and I brought the cards and did a reading just for fun. Usually sitting in a waiting room people don't generally talk to one another, they are usually there for some reason their focusing on and going to the doctor is such a personal thing it makes people quiet and keep to themselves.

The reading I was giving fascinated just about everyone and they all were looking at me do this. They started talking and one woman asked me to do hers next... it's a definate conversation starter- again- instant rapport!

The Format or how you lay the cards out to interpret them, Is Not Set In Stone, But It Helps To use One That Works For You. You Can Later Develop Your Own

There's a real reason you need a "format" like the Celtic cross or any other in a reading - it organizes "life" (if you read the fool's journey above you understand that each card is just a compartmentalized piece of the "circle of life" also known as "the fools journey") into a bubble and within that bubble, each position is assigned a "life circumstance" that helps you focus even further.

It also helps us to highlight our dominant thoughts. The thing about the human mind is that we know a lot more subconsciously based on our education, knowledge of predicting events based on variables, skill-sets, and more, but often our thought stream is muddied by our emotional base at any given time.

It's often when we need an answer to something the most that we can't dig through our own thought stream cesspool to focus and figure it out. One reason meditation is so valuable is that it gives you a chance to STOP. Stop bringing in new data long enough for your brain to do it's thing and just organize your thoughts, and make sense of it. Tarot does something similar but without you stopping. You tend to focus because your intrigued by the cards and a potential answer to a daunting issue your asking about- in a sense it forces you to relax and focus.

Just the other day I tried an experiment. Me and my fiance Michelle are about to have our first baby. She's far enough along that her subconscious would know if it's going to be a boy or a girl. The subconscious mind knows because the body is actively making it happen and although consciously your not usually "privy" to that information, you, at some point do get a "feeling" about it. A woman's intuition is dead right most of the time so chances are she'll know.

I had her focus on the question "what gender will the baby my body is making be? Show me with a card showing that gender"- she did it and a card came up of a woman! I had her do it 6 more times and a card depicting a woman came up every time! We hoped it was a girl so we'll just have to see when the time comes.

In time we memorize the way people talk in the form of lingo and sentence structures, questions, statements, etc... that are conventionally used within any group. Knowing the top level of the lingo is all you need at first. It gets you in the mental "comfort zone" of the other person because we tend to think if someone is speaking our language then we have to have something in common.

Often we DO have something in common in some way but language of our individual groups tend to muddy the waters of communication.

Once you get to know someone you tend to adopt part of their language/lingo when talking to them and they ours. It's a natural instinct to build rapport. This just speeds up the process.

Once your engaged in conversation and can get them to talk more than you, you need to switch to listen and record/articulate mode to gather the "sub code" of that lingo structure.

An example is:
 
"So Mr. Johnson, I hear your a doctor, what DISCIPLINE OF MEDICINE do you PRACTICE?"

vs.

"So what kind of doctor are you?"

 
can you see the distinction?

Language can separate someone from everyone else and fortify their distinction separate from the rest like a school of fish in the ocean. It can equally push them further away from you if your way of saying something is too far from their "views" on how it "should" (relative) be said.

It also puts you into their minds eye's category of someone with like interests to the point where you know something about their world that many outsiders simply don't get- how they talk!

Leil's book's premise is to arm you with the necessary tools to walk up to anyone, figure out what they do (often an ice breaker question!) and once you know, being able to change your lingo (not what you say so much as how you say it (lingo), you do, however, continue to be yourself) to suit the person your talking to.

Although this could be wielded to manipulate that's not at all the purpose here, it's about building trust and comfort in the other person so they don't feel awkward around you.

Once your comfortable with someone it's easier to shoot the breeze with them. Just be careful not to misrepresent yourself as this has dire backfire consequences.

In Leil's latest book, she breaks down not only what lingo to use, but she went even further to give you the right questions to ask to gain entry to other people's comfort zone (rapport).

It's about wrapping a warm verbal blanket around them to shield them from the awkwardness of not knowing you! That tells me that asking the right questions and using the same lingo together are likely pretty powerful tools.

This is about building instant rapport and making it easier to talk to strangers- especially if your business is talking to and building rapport with clients of all different backgrounds. One career field I can think of where this would be a daily and likely hourly occurrence is a negotiator or sales person.

It's truly a magical experience once you get the hang of it and it really makes you seem charismatic to people, a feature people enjoy in a person.

This is also why, often, people who are suffering anxiety don't want to go to a counselor- they don't feel the counselor will understand THEM, but rather will start talking in textbook "counselor" language and they close down. This isn't usually the case as counselors don't break into internal office lingo- they try to figure out what your lingo i s and use that to reach you!

A good counselor employs these techniques of rapport for the exact reasons mentioned above!

Social Anxiety?

It's also a great way to break out of "social anxiety" (yourself) by making the other person feel "at home" with you so they steer the conversation for you and allowing you to interact with their world more quickly (then you'll find things to add later).

If the person your trying to have a conversation with wants to talk to you but is socially anxious themselves, this can work in reverse as well by helping them relax and be themselves (it can bring them back to earth/ground them back in their world (this is, of course if you know them well enough to use their personal lingo).

I know what usually used to trip me up in starting and maintaining conversations, especially in my dating days, was trying to find that common ground.

In language, you can fake it till they make it easy for you. It also follows the give first then take approach which is always the best route.

You start out on the right foot when the first thing you say to them is in their own native tongue- so to speak! Once you start to really crystallize why this works and how it works, you start to spend more time at first observing someone and you develop a set of questions to ask and ways to ask them so your not so much asking but interacting with them on a comfortable level.

For this reason I love hanging out in groups when I first meet someone because with others there to distract them from feeling awkward that I'm being a bit aloof, I have several minutes to observe and articulate the right words to use.

A great way to use this in reverse is as a test to see if you and someone else is in rapport at any given moment.

If you notice your sitting a certain way and they are unconsciously mirroring you- you know there is rapport and you've got their attention.

I often employ this to see if someone is really listening while they say things like "oh yea, that's interesting" or if I think they may be joshing me.

I'll do something subtle but outside their normal course of body language at the moment like scratching my nose, or cheek. If they are engaged they will feel an unconscious desire to mirror you, it's uncanny!

Mirroring someone and speaking in their language/lingo (a stranger your trying to break the ice with) also starts their frontal lobes bubbling up with all those wonderful things they'd be talking to anyone in their inner circles about (work or personal depending on what lingo language your emulating and their desire to share (they aren't in a trance, they are just more comfortable with you because your "speaking the same language").

An example of this in play is when people are suffering from some temporary mental fatigue like say they just got yelled at by the boss, it's instinct to go over to them and console them.
You know that they are likely upset and "thinking" about how much that wasn't cool that their boss just yelled at them like a child.You will likely say:

"man that sucks, your a grown woman and he should have been more polite about it- there's more than one way to get a point across and that wasn't one of them- that simply wasn't fair."

Your literally mimicking what they are likely thinking and depending on how close you get to their thoughts on the matter a rapport develops at different degrees. The best example of this scenario is someone whose worked there a while and someone whose new consoling them.

If you stand next to them while they are sitting at a table bending over with their hands on their face sulking- your body language is not mirroring theirs and thus will be seen in a whole different light.

Most people will first sit down WITH them and take on a body position that closely mirrors how they are sitting.

I invent words all the time, as do others, they call this lingo, it's one of the ways to openly "encode" who's in and whose on the outside of any group.

In fact this code goes far beyond spoken language into the visual spectrum's such as what one wears. (Preppies wear "preppie clothes", businessmen wear suits, and tennis players wear collared shirts) how one acts (look at the difference between a rapper's body language and a preppie!) and how they are viewed by strangers.

I often invent words to brand myself and it's funny to see other people using these terms around me (especially when I picked them up from someone else whom "I" brand the words to, but those who are emulating me, don't know this person!).

We pick up language from other people all the time. If we like how something is said we emulate it. It's also a sign of respect, imitation is the highest form of flattery, after-all.

This includes imitating lingo someone is used to hearing- it just puts people at ease and makes them feel like you get what they are saying. They don't have to explain every term to you, and that frees them up to just talk.

One term I use a lot and habitually started saying because someone I knew long ago said it a lot (and it's not unique by a long shot) is generically calling animals/pets "Buddy" or "Bud" as in "hey bud"... For about a year I'd always say that when one of our cats came into the room "hey buddy buddy". Michelle never said that before but recently she's been doing it too (she usually calls the cats by their name.

Me- I prefer buddy- most of the time, (until I wrote this I didn't realize why!).

I accidentally branded it in them because I would always say it then pet them in a loving way (scratching behind the ears and what not that makes them purrr). When I say their name I get one reaction, when I say buddy I get the cuddle bug- so I stuck with it, it actually became a habit!

It's the same with the long SSSSSt sound when they do something wrong, if you do something only when they're bad, they react to it like their in trouble- even when I'm saying psst but because I saw something on a commercial I thought was ridiculous!

Although animals tend to "imprint" not brand you or your sounds/lingo- people are more sophisticated at it. - I segmented there for a second, I digress :)

It's not about deception when you use language as a rapport tool, it's about bridging the gap between being a stranger and being a friend, or someone who can start and keep a stimulating conversation going.

As you do this with your new friend, you will automatically start picking up on how they talk, how their friends talk (if you’re introduced) and so on. Think about the cool kids in high school and how they'd often invent a language just for their "click" and the whole click used it. If you didn't they knew you weren't "cool". If you used it incorrectly, they also knew- even if you were new and from another school, they could tell if you were "in" at your last school by your body language, confidence, and the very words and terminologies you used.

When I meet someone new in person I'm actually pretty quiet (not to be confused with shy). I spend a great deal of time letting the other person talk, letting them be themselves, and I encourage them by asking them about themselves.

It takes me a while to really get to know someone because I am very careful with who I trust and call a friend. I have a specific ideology of what that is and I'm careful not to lead anyone on so if they, for example, seem like they are not very honest with themselves or are living a lie (trying to be something they're not) I don't want to associate with them.

The reason is that you become who you hang out with. Your friends tell you who you are really- and I want to be someone confident, realistic, and honest- so I pick my friends who are the same. This is not how I pick my acquaintances, as that's a whole different category I call "temporary friends" or friends that don't have a major impact on me on a daily basis.

I can "know" people who are all the things I don't want to be- even interact with them from time to time, but if they are in my inner circle, meaning I actually see them in person alot, interact with them daily or weekly, then they have more power through redundancies to affect me or more accurately "infect" me.

You can't always hang out with someone lazy, for example, without starting (eventually) to rationalize why you want to be lazy yourself. In time it forms a habit of rationalizations you make for "just this once I'm going to blow off work and watch TV" and so on.

When I meet someone I want to know everything possible about them so I can assess if they will be someone I want in my inner circle or someone I want to maintain only acquaintance status with (or not know them at all).

Since the only way to quickly assess this is to let them talk and read into their language, body language, and what kind of things they say, what phrasing happens habitually (i.e. talking bad about others or themselves often shows they have low self esteem) that's what i do.

An amazing tool for figuring out an online person's real personality, if you can access it, is reading their entire facebook timeline. There's much more information than is seen on the surface!

I hope you made it this far into this "book" of information and I hope you find some value in my words.

These are my experiences and insights, your results may be different but the goal should be in chasing awareness and learning how to apply your own brand to rapport building skill sets. This isn't just one skill-set, it's many that work synergistically together.

I wish you luck!