Regret: A Poem from The Divorce Chronicles

by cgreen7090

A poem written during the first years after divorce lamenting over keeping the ex's last name.

A Poem of Regret

From: The Divorce Chronicles

 

                Regret--

She dreams awake, for sleep  won’t come.

And weeps in silence, as though dumb.

As if to grieve aloud would be

Admitting to this misery.

She hides it well behind tired eyes

And to herself she daily lies.

As if the truth aloud would be

A cold affront to her dignity.

And all the while she feels it still

The anger, the sadness, the bitter pill—

And is oft reminded, what a crying shame

Whene’er she writes her own last name.

 

--C.H. Green@2011 

 

My Personal Commentary

When you've chosen to keep your last name for the sake of your child, it is a bittersweet pill.  There are good memories tied to that name.  There is a child tied to that name.  There is an entire set of in-laws tied to that name.  (Which can be a good or bad thing).  From my perspective, it seems to be a constant reminder of my ex-husband and the failure of the marriage--a very painful reminder.  This is compounded by the fact that I actually was engaged to be remarried since the divorce, but I ended up breaking the engagement because I was just not ready.  My fiance died this past October from a heart attack.  The new marriage was just not meant to be.  I have contemplated reverting back to my maiden name, but it seems like a lot of red tape and probably would add a lot of confusion to my business dealings.  Plus, I consider how it might make my son feel alienated from me.  If the last name is good enough for him, then it is good enough for me.  It is just a name.  The character behind the name is who a person ultimately is.  This is what I strive to remember.   

The name "Regret" may cause some to pause.  My regrets are many--not that I am actually divorced, because that cannot be undone; but that it had to actually come down to it.  I regret that I have a failed marriage--what I view as a black mark on my record.  Bitterness? Oh yes, there has been a boat load of bitterness.  But it's getting better.  Every time it pops up, I have to slap it in the head and tell it to sit down and shut up.  Sometimes it wins.  But those times are getting farther and farther between.  Do I still cry when I write my last name?  No.  Those days are behind me.  Do I still feel a twinge of sadness?  Yes.  But I trust as time goes on even that will fade.  You never know what life will bring.  In the words of Kermit, for now at least, I just smile and say, "I ain't easy bein' green."

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Updated: 05/16/2012, cgreen7090
 
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LadyGuinevere on 02/10/2012

Wow, I don't know how I got here but read you poem and story. I divorced many years ago and did take back my maiden name. My girl's had his name or course. I found that it really doesn't natter for girl's because they will take on their husband's name, A sir name only ties you to the past, not your children. I remarried and took his name, My girls are grown now and it's all in the past, When their father and I divorced they were 13 and 15. You will always have your maiden name weather on paper or not, It is who you are,

Jean Bakula on 02/10/2012

Even though it's a sad poem, it's a very lovely one. I am in the stage of contemplating divorce, and feel confused. Even now as I think about taking back my own name, our only child is an adult, and I'm unsure how he would feel. I'm unsure about how I feel, sometimes I'm angry we can't talk things out, and feel that many of the issues were caused by him. But we had many good times and good years, and I hate to throw that away too. Thanks for the poem.

cgreen7090 on 12/21/2011

I'm glad you enjoyed my sad poem. Thanks for stopping by Anna.

Sabeen on 12/21/2011

The anger, the sadness, the bitter pill—

And is oft reminded, what a crying shame

Whene’er she writes her own last name.
I just simply loved these ending lines.

cgreen7090 on 12/03/2011

Thanks for stopping by. I try to be as real as I can.

HealthforLife on 12/03/2011

That must be really hard. I like the poem and commentary; it's just very real.

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