Are You Prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse?

My friend Sareyva had created a music playlist for the Zombie Apocalypse. The fact that the oncoming infestation had so obviously occupied her mind made it play on mine.

Jackie and I were now working out how we could defend the second room in which we currently sat. The door could be deadlocked from the inside. It had only a thin strip of perspex glass set within a thick slab of wood. We could cover that up.  The zombies wouldn't be able to see in. They wouldn't even know that we were there.

"Unless they have a good sense of smell."  Jackie commented, pensively. I thought that was a silly concern. Zombies are notably living corpses.  Surely any remaining nasal capacity wouldn't even be able to power the requisite messages to its rotting brain.

For completion sake, we checked on the internet. Zombies have an excellent sense of smell. They can scent humans from miles away.

Back to the drawing board then.

The Epic of Gilgamesh dates from around 2150 BCE. It mentions zombies. That is how long human beings have been worrying about this.

Love really will tear us apart. If that ancient text is to be believed, the Zombie Apocalypse will come when the Goddess Ishtar smashes in the doors to the Netherworld.

The resultant flood of animated corpses will be unstoppable. They will out-number and feed upon the living.

And why? Because Gilgamesh turned down the Goddess's proposal of marriage. No fury like a woman scorned, as the old saying goes.

Knowing the origin of the infestation will be of no immediate comfort to us, when the horizon is filled with the hordes of the undead. But it might be something to discuss with your fellow Home Guard while you're waiting to be devoured.

It also provides our first tip on what to do.  Pray!  Print out the photograph of the Queen of the Night and create some kind of altar.  Then petition the Lady Ishtar with the following words, "Ishtar, please, please, please put the Netherworld doors back up.  Thank you. Amen."

Maybe you could also offer the best looking male in the vicinity to be Her husband instead. Warn him in advance that turning Her down is not a great option.

As the living dead lurch into our world, every person, animal, insect, bird and fish in their paths becomes food.

But this isn't just a case of hunter and hunted. Even accounting for the unpleasantness of being torn apart and devoured, the worst is yet to come.  For death does not bring an end.  We become zombies too.

Our one consolation here is that we'll be so mindlessly focused upon violently eating our loved ones, that we'll not have the self-awareness to watch ourselves slowly rotting. 

There are three stages to zombiehood:

• Stage One:  Looking a little pale and green, but having all bodily movement.
• Stage Two:  Starting to rot, eye-balls sliding down cheeks, that sort of thing.
• Stage Three:  Little more than an animated skeleton, which loses bits as the last tendons and muscles decompose into snapping.

Until that happens, the zombie will be trying to reach its victims.  The slightest scratch, bite or drop of blood will infect the poor soul, even if they managed to get away.  A new zombie will be 'born'.

They will go on, out-numbering and overwhelming the whole world.  Stop thinking in terms of one-on-one battles for survival.  What is at stake here isn't solely the breakdown of civilization; nor even the wiping out of the human species.

Zombies will destroy everything alive on the Earth.

The only way to survive the infestation is to stay alive.  In order to do this, you will need to make some necessary preparations.

1, Find somewhere defensible to become your shelter.

Zombies have been known to climb stairs and ladders, as well as have super-human strength. They don't worry about little considerations like losing limbs or other body parts along the way. They either feel no pain or else don't react to it.

Therefore you will want somewhere with reinforced doors and another exit. You don't want to be trapped in there.  Perhaps a high place with a helicopter parked on top would be ideal.

2, Store enough provisions to keep yourself and your loved ones alive.

Nipping to the supermarket or hardware store is going to be nigh on impossible. Even relying on sustenance from the land is dodgy.

A zombie traipsing through a stream or river will leave their infection within it. For this reason, it's better not to trust the water in your taps. You don't know what's been in the reservoir or water treatment plant.

Tinned food (and a can-opener); bottled water; long-life milk (especially if there are Britons around, as we'll need it for a nice cup of tea.  No Briton can fight zombies without a nice cup of tea waiting); bedding; blankets; spare clothes; toiletries; batteries; matches (preferably waterproof); wind-up or solar powered radio (the power will be down, but there might still be people trying to broadcast information); First Aid kit; and medication should all be stored there.

If, like my friend Sareyva, you have created a playlist for the Zombie Apocalypse, remember to pack something to play it on.  Otherwise, you will be fighting for your life in silence.

3, Arm Yourself and Practice Fighting for your Life.

The books above or the Wizzley article below will give you all the necessary information on self-defense against zombies. 

You should seriously consider your own personal circumstances though.  For example, it's all well and good learning techniques to save yourself, but what if you happen to be carrying a baby at the time?  Roger Ma's book does include a section on that.

Also think long and hard about your pets. Imagine a scenario where you left your goldfish in the tank, while you fled your shelter to escape entrapment.  Then you return, all looks safe and well, until you come to feed the fish. 

It only takes the tiniest nip to your fingers from a zombie goldfish before you are one of the living dead too.  Be warned!

I hope that I've given you plenty of food for thought, in order to stop your thoughts becoming food.

If you have any tips of your own for surviving the Zombie Apocalypse, then please do tell us about them in the comments.  We are in this together.

And always remember the number one advice given everywhere:

Stay calm and don't panic!

Unless, of course, you're British, in which case it's the usual: Keep calm and carry on.  Good luck everybody!