Addiction - Cancer of the mind 2
Like cancer secretly eats away at the body, addiction secretly eats away at the mind.
I met a friend online who was interested in the same things I was. Who accepted me as myself and listened to all my whining. This friend encouraged me to do what I felt was right. They let me know how they felt about things, but they supported my decision. I fought constantly with my husband about this friendship.
Finally, I found a twelve step program that did not have a bunch of rules attached to it. I could cuss if I wanted. I could speak for longer than five minutes. I found choices for the first time in my life.
I discussed these things with my online friend. I talked about everything with them because they did not seem real to me. At times, I thought they might actually be God. Yeah, I know. My head was really messed up. I know they are not God, so don't worry. I am okay!
The responsibility of choices was laid on my shoulders for the first time and I could not take it. I was responsible for my husband and all the choices he made because he was not capable of seeing beyond his own addiction. Nothing changed in that area. I was changing. There was something inside me rising up and it was tearing me apart. I was determined to do God's will and stay married, but I could not survive my husbands treatment of me. Something had to change.
I finally came to the conclusion that God would have to forgive one, or lose both. However, I did not have the strength to leave on my own. I had already been estranged from my family, my friends, my church, my life. I had no where to go and no one to help.
I found several bottles of out of date pain pills. They were at least two years out of date. I knew they would be poison by now. I grabbed a 2 liter of soda out of the nearly empty fridge and I sat down on the floor. I poured all the pills out of the their bottles.
The phone rang. I had to get it before it woke up my husband. I raced into the bedroom and snatched off the nightstand.and put it in my pocket. Then, I went back into the living room. There I looked at the phone to see who would be texting so late.
I looked at the words and my knees buckled. What the hell?
"Are you okay?" it asked.
It was from someone at the twelve step meetings. This person did not seem to care about anyone but themselves. He seemed to enjoy giving others pain and misery. Why was he texting?
I texted that my husband was sleeping. Then turned to face the pile of pills once more. I picked one up and dropped it when the phone went off again.
I was mad now. What the hell?
"Ok. Are you okay?"
"Of course, I'm always ok."
"You seemed more than a little upset at the meeting."
As if you care? Why are you bothering me?
"Not any more than usual."
"I don't believe you."
Is this guy for real? He jumped down everyones throat if they spoke of anything that wasn't some kind of gratitude. He wasn't any better than those church people. He doesn't really care, he must be bored or something.
"What are you doing?"
"Worrying about you."
"You seemed upset at the meeting."
"Why do you care?"
"I just do."
"I don't believe you."
"That's okay. You don't have to. Are you okay?"
"No. I am not okay. If you had been listening at the meetings for the last several months you would know I am not okay. If you cared even a tiny bit you would know that I am not okay."
"What can I do to help?"
What?!? Why would he want to help? What was his angle? Who was he trying to fool?
"We can talk, if you want."
"We can text, if you want."
I looked at the pills. What would my children think if they had to come to my funeral because I committed suicide?
"I am getting tired."
"I don't beleive you."
I got up and looked out the windows. Was he watching me? There was no one around. No cars, no people, nothing.
"I can't force you to accept my help. The offer is there, if you want it."
I put the pills away. I read the last text again. I put the soda away. I read the text again. What do I do? I was a married woman. There was no way my husband would let me survive opening up to another man. He wasn't physically abusive. I want that to be clear. He never once laid a hand on me in anger. However, he was killing me slowly. I had pneumonia for two years straight and I was not getting any better. He had my self worth down to less than nothing. I felt as if I were going into some kind of debt by taking up space on the planet and breathing. Eating was a guilty pleasure that I paid for quite often with taking his namecalling and snide remarks.
My only saving grace was that I was clean. I was not using. I had started my program over four months before. I had gotten a sponsor who was not working out for me. She was too busy and wouldn't listen without judging me.
First, I dropped her. Then, I began reading the literature with a new interest. If I was going to recover and not just stay clean, I needed whatever it had to offer. I began going to business meetings and functions.
I fought constantly with my husband about all these changes, but I was determined that I was going to get some recovery. I had no idea what I was recovering, but I wanted it!!!
At each of the meetings and functions I attended, I looked for a new sponsor. It was about four months before I found one. She was in a different twelve step program, but she had some knowledge of the one I was in.
There are suggestions to make recovery easier. Don't make any major changes in your life in the first year of recovery. This is to keep you from chasing your tail trying to deal with more than you can handle at one time.
I got divorced, moved several times, found and lost several boyfriends, and continued with my recovery. I would not advise any of this for anyone, including myself. There were many nights when the only thing that kept me clean was the patience, understanding, compassion and availability of the one person who, at the beginning of my recovery, seemed to hate everyone.
I have since opened up to this gentleman and found him to be trustworthy. I am not saying he is perfect, he has his own issues to deal with. I know that I can trust him with what is in my heart and on my mind and he will not betray that trust.
Today, I have a boyfriend who is much like that man who saved me from myself for so long. Between the two of them, I feel that I have a good foundation to try to trust others. If they let me down, that is okay, because I understand that they are human and have flaws too. I don't know if what I have gotten could be called "recovery" because I never had this to start with, but I try not to get technical these days.
I want to thank you for taking the time to read my story. I hope it offers a ray of hope to someone in need. I have places where you may contact me, if you want to connect with someone. I will do my best to gilve away what was so freely given to me.
Enjoy the rest of today, because yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn't here yet!!!