Brendan

They've been dismissed by many as invisible friends for people who refuse to grow up. Frankly, I don't know what a spirit guide really is. All I know is that I have several, and that there is one that is insistently close to me, just out of sight, at my back, until the times when I need him most. I call him Brendan, for, like the saint, he is my navigator.

He has warned me when my apartment caught on fire, has told me when not to get on the road, has told me when it was time to do things and when it was not. He has told me to stay on the life path I'm on - very difficult to do in these times - but if I try to stray from his advice I find all doors closed to me.

We do argue. When I'm insecure, I will try to get too much from him. He is a NAG. But I wouldn't do without him.

He loves using synchronicity to get messages to me, and will use all sorts of messengers from butterflies to friends to get his point across. He uses dreams to communicate, and can use a computer. In fact, when my computer is on the blink, I will fold my hands and say I need help, and he takes over my hands and fixes it - I don't know a thing about computers without him.

He's my best. There's no other word for him.

No; I think of him as my companion.

But couldn't that be an angel?

I just don't see him that way. My belief doesn't take me in that direction.

An angel is something that belongs to a religion I don't have.  I'm not a Christian. Oddly, I don't believe in any form of a god, though I love the stories of different faiths, and have my favorites. I believe in not trying to define what the universal consciousness is, other than I believe there is a consciousness. I don't try to tell it what to be for me - I just stay as aware of it as I can. Perhaps Brendan is with me because I don't follow any personal form of religion, to give me someone to relate to in a spiritual way. To me he is a friend and advisor, not a god or a supernatural being. He is someone who knows the ways around both his plane of existence and mine. He connects me to something I don't know, and that I don't have to know. In that way, I accept that life - and all existence - is full of mysteries I accept with a full heart. That acceptance of not knowing is as important to me as any knowledge.

After all this time, after everything he has done, sometimes, I still think he is someone out of my dreams. I doubt my experiences, because I'm a practical person who gets bound up in daily life. Then, someone else will see him standing near me, or psychic acqaintances will ask "why do I see a blond young man connected to you?" I am reminded, then, not to doubt.

I started drawing him when I was very young - straight eyebrows, straight nose, wide mouth. Silver eyes. I have asked him if that's the way he really looks, and he says no, he's nothing but energy. But this image, he says, "keeps my attention." Yes, it does.

In dreams he actually takes other appearances to keep me on my toes, but I have become very used to this. Always, handsome men, all of them giving me a brotherly feeling rather than any idea of romance. I know by the feel of them that it's him. He doesn't want me too attached to any one form.

The astonishing things happen when he steps past the dreams, comes out of the invisible places, and touches  me. He will often just place a finger on my spine to remind me to pay attention. He has grabbed me firmly to stop me from falling; his hands feel quite real when he does that. Yet he tells me that he hasn't "lived." Not yet. Sometimes, I think - is he from my future? Or - is he my future self? But he won't answer. His purpose is not to hand every answer to me. His purpose is to make me think beyond myself. That makes life seem infinite, even during difficult times.

In the article linked below, I tell more about how spirit guides support us even we are unaware of them. You can also read more about my experiences with Brendan, in my book BEING Home.