Funny Idioms And Hilarious Sayings - All New

by chefkeem

Brand-new funny idioms and recently created hilarious sayings along the lines of "one card short of a full deck" - phrases describing crazy or stupid people.

What do you say about someone who seems to be slightly off his rocker, out of whack, of the moronic persuasion, or an idiot?
You may announce that this person does not have all his ducks in a row, or that she falls one card short of a full deck. In this article you will find a bunch of new phrases along these lines, all from my own twisted mind. It's been fun coming up with these funny idioms!

Other funny ways of saying...

One card short of a full deck
  • One bristle short of a hog's mohawk
  • One woofer short of a boom box
  • One pancake short of a single-stack
  • One cup short of 8 ounces
  • One cell short of a bird brain
  • One plank short of a pirate ship
  • One OHM short of an out-of-mind experience
  • One strap short of a G-string

Not the coolest cat in the litter box

For sure not the smoothest crooner in the choir!

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

What else could you say about a dim-witted person?
  • Not the shiniest pearl in the choker
  • Not the crispiest wing in the basket
  • Not the freshest mop in the bucket
  • Not the tightest string on a violin

Shining examples of glaring incompetence:

The supervisor of a CVS store hooked up with a buddy to "rob" his own business. Since he forgot to turn off the surveillance cameras, the whole thing was captured on video. Not only was the robber so nervous that he forgot to take the money bag with him, the supervisor himself actually delivered it to his "fleeing" buddy in the parking lot.

Another burglar entered a home and found several buckets with coins. He took the one with quarters and half-dollars, which added up to about $3,000. A couple of days later he returned for the bucket with nickels and dimes. This time he made $700.

Meanwhile, the owner had installed a burglar alarm. When the guy came back for the penny bucket...the police were waiting for him. What a fool!

Not the fluffiest sheets in the hamper, I'd say!

You can read a huge bunch more of these kinds of stories in the archives of News of the Weird.

Books on funny idioms

Get educated AND entertained!
In a Pickle And Other Funny Idioms
$6.57  $19.99
Scholastic Dictionary of Idioms
$9.99  $5.5

What if someone is dumber than a box of hair?

Can it get any dumber?
  • Dumber than a pail of pudd'n
  • Dumber than a hamster on roller skates (think: wheel!)
  • Dumber than a plumber in a mankini
  • Dumber than a roadrunner on snowshoes

More commonly known funny sayings such as...

  • A few screws short of a hardware store
  • A few peas short of a casserole
  • Not the brightest crayon in the box
  • A few sandwiches short of a picnic
...and 169 more can be found on this "Not too bright list".

Another funny article o' mine

No funny sayings but hilarious pictures
Women love men with crazy moose hats or fuzzy moose slippers. Find out why, where to get the manliest antler hats, and how it all started with Adam and Eve...
Updated: 11/19/2012, chefkeem
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DerdriuMarriner on 10/16/2018

chefkeem, Thank you for the video, sayings and links. The lyrics and the moves are habit-forming! Is that a Bavarian yodeler costume? My favorite saying is not the brightest crayon in the box because it makes me think of those big boxes of multi-colored crayons.

EnelleLamb on 08/10/2012

...dumber than a sack of hammers... :) great article!

chefkeem on 06/30/2012

Hehe...Tolovaj, I agree: Google Translate can be hilarious. :)

Tolovaj on 06/30/2012

This is not only funny but also useful reference for all the authors who don't speak English very well (I am one of them), just to get the feel of the richness available when we want to express something.
But on the other hand Google Translate itself gives us some funny ideas too...

chefkeem on 05/22/2012

No worry, Robin. RVers are the coolest cats on the road. :)

I sure appreciate everyone's sense of humor. Wizzley authors are funnier than a pork knuckle in leggins!

sheilamarie on 05/22/2012

I want to sign up for your dance class. Or was it your singing lessons?
You are one cool cat, inside or outside the litter box..

Guest on 05/22/2012

Whew! I was waiting for a list of funny sayings regarding my having a "duh" moment to appear in these comments...

Jerrico_Usher on 05/21/2012

I had no clue there was a cat in the video, I watched this 3 times before I could see where the cat was (thinking it was closer) and finally saw the white cat FAR in the distance (white blur?).... I got that dishes song in my head again, a bit catchy it is...

Ragtimelil on 05/21/2012

Ahhhhhh......hmmmm...what can I say?

chefkeem on 05/21/2012

The term "cat" refers to the performer. The neighbor's kitty is familiar with my porch antics. He was yawning several times.

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